Joy in MY journey.

THEY are so beautiful! Thin, perfect hair, gorgeous houses, darling children, adoring husbands. THEY are so happy. So fulfilled. They have all they ever wanted. They are mommies, wives, lovers, cooks, chauffeurs... And they do it all so flawlessly! Their little girls wear darling pink dresses with brown polka dots and their little boys wear green and black plaid shirts. Not boring plaid mind you but cute. The kind that you buy at GAP or Old Navy. THEY have it all together... My married friends.

THEY are strong women. They laugh, they cry, they hold good jobs. Their check books are neatly balanced, they have their own houses. They know that something is missing in their lives but they fill the void with God and other people. They have deep rich lives because they allow their pain and loneliness to make them ever more beautiful. God does miraculous things for them because they fall before Him daily for the strength to carry on. They bless people constantly because they use their lives well to serve the God who is saving them for Himself. Ultimately they long to be mommies and wives and lovers. THEY are waiting and praying and living so close to God Almighty... My single friends.

And then there is me. I don't fit in either category. Never have, never will. Ok, I know, that is so entirely narcissistic (self centered in the extreme!) but please bear with me a minute. This is a blog and I think more people feel like this so I'm just saying it, ugly as it is. Back to me not fitting. I never was really a 'single girl' because I never really wanted to not be single. What I wanted, want, is to be a nurse. But first I wanted to go to Bible school, and travel, and live in other places. So I did those things. And then I got my own house, settled down to multiple jobs and a crazy class schedule and was a college kid... My life long dream. I LOVED it! Loved my house, loved my work, loved my school, loved my life!! And along came Trouble, otherwise known as Strider... And, because I'm not crazy enough to turn down the opportunity to date the world's most amazing man, I agreed to date him. And here we are, nearly seven months later, still dating. No, we are not engaged. And probably not going to be for a long time yet, so don't ask :)

So this is my life now. I'm dating.( Completely weird! I don't even know how that happened!!) I live in the north. (Way way way north!! Where it snows two thirds of the year!! And I HATE snow!!!!) I live here because I love the church. Thats why I chose to move here anyway. (All of that happened before Strider happened). I'm going back to school in January. To a fancy school. To a northern school. To a school that is not my darling EMCC (East Mississippi Community College) To a school that I have absolutely no idea if I can really make it at or not. So,,,, I'm scared. My life is not like anyone else's that I know. Its not like my old life. Not at all. I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing here. Not with dating, not with living in the north, not with going back to school. I wish I could just drop school. Let go of that craziness, date my darling Strider, maybe eventually marry him, be the great mom with the perfect and darling babies... But I just can't. I can't because my passion is nursing. Because when I get around a helpless old person and I think of then not getting proper care my blood absolutely boils. I can't because when someone asks me a question about how the body works it is sheer delight for me to explain it in detail and I just wish I knew more. I can't cut off my dream and live a normal life because to do that would be to die inside.

So I walk a journey that feels more like a blind slide than an intentional walk. I was used to an ordered life. To being in charge of my world. I'm very goal oriented which makes me a great scholar and an absolutely terrible girlfriend. How to overcome that?? Weddings and babies and love are in the air all around me and most of the time I feel like an impostor in someone else's skin. I really really NEED this crazy goofy man that has become my absolutely best friend. But I'm not someone who really needs other people normally so I don't know what to do with that even! I really love this church but I have absolutely NO idea how to be a good Bethel girl so I end up doing or wearing something wrong every time I turn around. I don't know how to desperately need and cling to both God and Strider and since Strider is the one who is here and physically present, its God who often doesn't hear my desperate ramblings or wipe my angry tears...

So I guess what I'm saying is basically just that I'm still pretty lost in this big new world I'm living in. I get overwhelmed so easily with all the changes. I get mad at myself for not being totally adjusted. I cry because I miss my parents and sisters back home. I get frustrated because I am SOOOO busy and don't have a lot of time to talk to my family and when I do have time I usually am sad about missing them and don't want to risk crying on the phone and making them feel worse. I still hate not owning my own business. I'v learned that dating does NOT automatically make life easier or better. I definitely don't want to give up my sweetheart, but some days I still don't know what on earth to do with him! So, this is my fight... To find joy in MY journey. To find the heart of God even in my hurt and loneliness. To remember that even though I envy my single friends a bit, I wouldn't trade places because THIS is where God has me. To remember that even though I envy my married friends a bit, I wouldn't trade places because THIS is where God has me... Its a good life, even if it gets tough. :)

The man I met...

I saw his hands first. The way they moved, the way they lay against his sides, yet not quite against. His feet caught my attention next and my eyes traveled down... Big work boots. Worn boots. Worn over alls. Rough skin. That gate. That gate I know so well... Finally my eyes made their way to his face. To any of my co workers he would have seemed to have no expression but to me, his eyes said all that his face could not. Rage slashed its way through me like hot lava as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. They sparkled with life and laughter and an understanding that I knew we shared. His eyes told me that he saw that I was seeing, and his eyes told me that it was ok. There was peace in his eyes. I wanted to stand in the middle of the store and scream and stomp my feet! To rail against the unfairness and the horror of it! "Why God??" He was beautiful. He looked like someone's daddy, someones grandpa, someones love. His eyes spoke of all that his face and body no longer could. Years of loving and laughing were etched into the lines in his face. Lines that could no longer crease into their natural shape. With all of my heart I wanted to hug him, this strange man standing in front of my deli counter. This beautiful life that graced our store with his strong, calm presence. There was in him the love and gentleness of the ages, the peace of a knowing God. Kindness spread from him and flowed across my heart, soothing some of the fury in me. As I sat in the front of the store making signs and talking out my anger to my friend, the cashier, I watched him. I watched as he moved slowly outside and sat down on a bench in front of the store. I watched as he enjoyed the beautiful weather. Watched as he sat in that posture I know so well and soaked up the world around him. I wanted to go and sit by him, ask him his story, hear the details of how he first knew what this thing that was stealing his life was. I wanted to put my hand in his and tell him that I am so very angry for him. I want to tell him that one of the greatest men I know is walking this journey with him. I want to talk of that man's courage and strength and of the beautiful amazing thing God is making with his willingness to submit to the tool God has chosen to shape him. I want to make sure that this man, this wonderful gift from God who visited our store, knows that he is valued, treasured, and is being crafted rather than destroyed! I watch him through our big front windows and with the anger in me there comes awe and respect. I think of all the things in my own life that I would like to change. I think of how I would give all that I own and all that I am to cure this disease for him and for that amazing man that I love and for all the other people who's bodies are slowly surrendering to the destruction of this disease.

Last night, on the way home from our date as I was telling Strider about the man who visited the store tears welled up in me and for the millionth time I had to cry about the thing I cannot change. I wonder what the world would be like if I could change it? Doubtless it would be much worse off than it now is! I think of my Jesus... His bleeding hands, His broken skin, His heart separated from the Father He loved so deeply. Jesus came, lived, died, not only to save us from our sins, but also to heal us. Every disease, every wound, every slap, every curse, every injustice ever felt or acted out... He came to destroy the death in us. I close my eyes and I see their faces, both the man from the store and that man I love, who is my hero in a million ways, and I see the face of Jesus as I know Him. HE holds the keys to their healing. I know this. He gave all that He had, all that He was, so that this disease, and every disease, has no real power. I think the man I met yesterday knew that. I think He loved my Jesus. I felt it when our eyes met, saw it in the patient way he moved, witnessed it in how he accepted his own body and worked with it. May I be so whole as him. May I show such grace as I move through every day. May I be a mirror of Christ to the world as he was to me. May my soul be healed as his appeared to be.

Why love?

I heard her coming before I saw her... Her bare feet smacked on the concrete floor and she was, as she often is, laughing. She flew behind the deli and whether it was me or her daddy that she was looking for I'm not sure but regardless it was me who was there and me who got the hugs! As her little arms wrapped themselves tight around my waist and her giggle burst into my ears I felt that swell in my heart like an ocean wave. In an instant, I knew that I love this child. I hadn't quite realized it so clearly before but in that moment I knew that I do, truly, deeply love this darling beautiful delightful child. How does that happen? How does one go from being a stranger to loving fiercely in so short a time? How can one heart grow so very much in just three months? And how does one know if the love with which one loves is ok? Love is such a vulnerable thing! To love someone is to give them the power to hurt you. As I look at this place, these people, all the enormous amount of things I have come to love since I moved here, my heart catches and a bit of panic slices through me and I want to know HOW this happened! How did I come to care so much for these people that I work with? How did I get to the point that when my dear new roommate is sad, I am sad. How did I come to the place with my friend who I have known for so short a time that when her mouth hurts I want to cry for her? Since when do I love Brother 2 so much that when a customer is rude to him I want to throw her ground beef in her face? And the customers, why, how, do I care about them so much that its super important to me to where bright clothes that cheer them up? How can it be that I have come to care so much about a lady I have never even met simply because she is the sick friend of one of my favorite customers? I want to know the logistics of love. I want to understand the science, know the formula, figure out the reasons WHY I love these people. I want to know why it is that already Strider's youngest nephew has me COMPLETELY wrapped around his tiny little finger!? How do you reconcile the fact that, if you want it to or not, love happens? Real, true, deep love. The kind that wants the best for the object of its emotion regardless of the consequences for yourself. My co-workers, the people at church, the customers of the store, and most of all Strider's family... Since when does love just grow even when I think it wont?? Even when I fight it? I don't have answers to my questions. I wish I did. I know that I love them. I know that if I left here, left them, I would leave more than a piece of my heart, I would shatter my heart. Perhaps that is simply the nature of love. Maybe love is a force all its own, a part of the heart of God that just wells up and swallows the heart of His children? If you have an answer I would love to hear it!

Camo... A tribute to greatness.

When I first laid eyes on him he was no bigger than a minute. A tiny ball of grey and black fur, his eyes sealed shut and his pink nose and tiny tongue oozing that beautiful scent that only puppies give off. Half great dane, half blue healer, all adorableness. He was one of several and he was so special! His mottled coat and sweet personality completely won my heart and of the litter he was the one I fell in love with. It was a love that never wavered or faded and tonight, as I listened to my daddy's voice on my voice mail explaining how he found him dead and how my brother in law helped to burry him, I felt a piece of my heart die too. Camo was so much more than just a dog. My fierce protector, my constant confidant, my loyalest friend. His coat caught a thousand tears! His ears bore the brunt of many teenage heartbreaks. His tongue kissed away the sadness and made me giggle so many times! Once, when he was probably 3 yrs old or so, we were playing ball and he somehow managed to get a tennis ball lodged in his throat. It was sheer panic on my part for a bit but somehow I managed to keep my wits about me long enough to perform the Himeliche (sp?) and get it out of his air way. Ever after that tennis balls were NOT allowed outside! Another time, when I was practicing batting, I accidentally hit him in the head with the bat! I would hit the ball and he would run and retrieve it and somehow he got too close and I got him with the bat. I felt AWFUL and that was the end of that sport because he would no longer come around me when I had a bat! Smart dog :) I have always said that if he were human Camo would be the perfect male. Sweet, handsome, loyal, gentle, kind, considerate (he used to carefully carry his food dish out to the pasture every day for this little stray mutt that would come around. He didn't eat any food for like 3 days or something until I finally realized what he was doing and started putting his food in a concrete dish so he couldn't take it out for her) affectionate, adoring and completely amazing with kids! That was Camo's most valuable trait. He always did absolutely excellent with kids! They could beat him, ride him, pull his ears, kick him, throw stones at him, bite him, or anything else they could come up with and he would simply patiently endure it. A few times, when it had been several hours of non stop roughness, he got up and walked away from them. But for the most part he simply did whatever they wanted him to to make them happy. 

Today, my dad and brother in law buried a dog. They also buried a friend, a protector, and a family member. With him, they buried a bit of all our hearts.    

Filleting the Salmon

Sometimes I just need space. Air, room, nature. Some place to be that does not belong to another person. My biggest struggle since I have moved is desperately missing having 'home'. I miss having a kitchen and living room that I can just chill in. I miss that amazing feeling you get when you walk through the door of your 'own' house and just know that its yours and your heart is safe there. Please don't get me wrong, I have wonderful room mates and the house I live in with them is very comfortable. But its not home yet. These things take time. In the mean time, when I need 'home' I often go to the park or my favorite spot under the bridge. Tonight was such a night. All the world was crowding in around my brain and I needed space. So, I went to the park to swing. Let me tell you a bit about it. 

The Sparta park is not very big but it is quite pretty! The road that ambles through it is paved. Several ball diamonds sprawl out across most of it and the play grounds lie against the banks of the lake. On the other side of the lake a golf course stretches and rolls and weeping willow trees make lace over the lush grass. I love that park. I love to sit by the boat ramp and listen to the life that happens around me! One of my very favorite things to do is sit there and simply write out all that I hear and see! Sometime I will let you all in on one of those ramblings. Tonight I needed the rocking of the swing and the twinkling of the stars to sooth my soul so after swinging awhile I went and lay on my back on the play set and thought. A million thoughts ran through my bothered brain but the one that finally surfaced was "I just want to keep filleting the salmon". The thoughts before that one went something like "Why did I move here? What if people really don't actually want me here? What if I'm just going to totally annoy these people? What if I am only here because I want to be and not actually because God wants me here? What is my future here? What if my whole life here just falls apart and I have nothing to fall back on?" These are things that rattle at the back of my brain a lot, as my poor boyfriend can testify to! See, even though I know that most people who know me would never believe this statement, I am not a person who loves easily. Most of the time it takes me months to really love. But here I'v encountered something entirely different than I have ever known before. I have nowhere to hide. I am constantly forever and always with people who I have to learn to love. This fact makes loving them happen much more quickly and it also makes it much more frightening because they are my whole world right now. I fear overwhelming them or being too real or open for them. I fear doing something very unladylike and being forever branded a tomboy. I fear over reacting to something and being titled 'dramatic' and therefor discounted. Probably none of them is founded but it sure feels like they are! So many times, like tonight, I get so overwhelmed and wrapped up in the big picture and what MIGHT happen and what COULD happen and the worst thing that possibly MAY happen, and I forget to live in the day. Strider on the other hand, bless his dear patient heart, is incredibly good at enjoying every moment. He is teaching me. Slowly. That is where the "filleting the salmon" comes in. One of Striders favorite chefs was asked, after opening some new restaurants or something else very great "Whats your next big thing going to be?" to which he answered something to the effect of "Why cant I just enjoy filleting the salmon?" Its a phrase that runs through my mind a lot when I want to panic about school this fall or my parents at home, or how far Wisconsin is from South Carolina, Mississippi, and Virginia. It reminds me to focus, draws my attention back to what I'm doing, and plants my feet back in the world where loving people is a day to day thing. It reminds me that this church is a whole church. Even though somedays I know that I am "different" than what is the accepted norm here and even though sometimes I feel like everything I do and say sends shock waves, and even though sometimes I wonder what on EARTH God was thinking when He moved me here, or I was thinking when I agreed to it, I know that in reality, I'm just a girl who works in the local deli. I cut meat and cheese, package salads, wrap raw meat, arrange the produce, make an occasional sign, and date the bosses son. In the scheme of things, I'm not all that important. Its a very comforting truth! I don't know about ya'l, but I know I sure tend to think I'm way more important than I am. The flat truth is that I'm just me. Just plain ole me who loves the rain and hates the snow and is afraid of too many things. It is my constant battle to lay my future down at the feet of Jesus and choose to just 'filet the salmon' every day even though I have no idea what six months from now or one year from now or ten years from now may hold for me. "Filleting the salmon" is changing my life and my mind set. You should try it some time :-)

Moments in Narnia...

Today, we took a walk. Brother 1, Brother 2, Strider, and me. We walked along the sidewalk, sucked down its length by the music pulsating from the end of the street. It sounded like a live band. It was a live band. We were delighted! We watched and listened for a bit and my Southern Blood bubbled within my veins and I fought the urge to break out dancing. It was just that kinda day. Big beefy motorcycles stood all around and people milled in and out. After a bit the music lost its pull and we headed on down to the creek. They had told me earlier in the day that there was one and I thought it would be boring and clean but turns out its a very lovely creek with nice muddy water and lots of big slimy rocks. We stood on the bridge and looked at it for a bit but I knew I had to find a way to get down to that water, so I found a path and went scootching down it to the creek. It took me a bit to convince the three men/boys to join me but I told them they had to see it! I wish I'd taken pictures! It is pure magic under that bridge! A place anything is possible! From drug deals to stolen kisses to a hundred other rites of passage. The water roars through, murky and cold. Against one side of the bridge there is an old bench and across on the other side are pages of graffiti splattered against the wall. After too few minutes and too many mosquito bites, I was ready to go! So we scrambled back up the bank and headed for the train tracks. For a little while we were tight rope walkers. Brother 1 and Brother 2 were already barefoot. I, in a streak of less-hippieness, was wearing Strider's much too large for me shoes, and he was wearing Brother 1's. I quickly learned that tight rope walkers cant wear too big shoes! So I kicked them off and off we went! Such great fun! I wish I'd been introduced to train tracks years ago! I'm getting rather an obsession with trains and tracks and chatter bait. Weird, I know! We walked and laughed and my favorite navy dress that makes me feel like a fairy floated around me and for a while we were kids and the whole world was sunshine and magic and freedom and there was no work or bills or anything but the 4 of us and the tracks and the music still playing in the background. And that is how we found a slice of Narnia right here in Sparta, and that is how it goes, and how we roll, and how I learn to love these 3 crazy amazing men/boys who are teaching me to act like a kid.  

Life today...

My feet hurt. My eyes are tired. I cry a lot. Its very very cold here. I miss my family, and especially my sweet Angel Boy. I miss my dogs, badly. My heart aches. And maybe worst of all, I now live a mere 6 hrs from the Canadian border. I nearly went through the roof (grocery store roof mind you) today when I realized that dreadful fact. Sometimes I think my head will spin right off my shoulders and fly away into the wild blue yonder without me. Wouldn't be a great loss really, with as silly as the old thing seems to be these days! I now know more about cheese and deli meat than I ever dreamed I would. I'v learned that labeling machines are pure magic and that bread slice machines are evil. I don't shop at WalMart anymore (thats a post all for itself. It may be written at a future date depending on popular demand). I now know just how tired a pair of feet can get after 9 hours on concrete. I don't have homework :) :) :) :) :) :) Ya, thats happy! I absolutely love the people that make up my world now! I'm entirely smitten with every single one of Strider's family members that I have met so far. Especially the baby... He has beautiful blond hair and big blue eyes and even though he hasn't even tried yet, or really warmed up to me, he has me wrapped around his little finger! He is only a few months older than Angel Boy and looks very much like him. I tell Strider that his place as leading man in my life just might be in jeopardy. Some times, when I am hanging out with Strider and his 2 bachelor younger brothers I feel just a bit like the girl in the book Seven Brides for Seven Brothers :) I like that a lot! Some days I just need to go and hold Bella. Brother 1 does an amazing job of taking care of her though! She lives over at the guys' place and I am SO grateful to have her here with me in this cold cold world. The land here is all rolling hills and farms and looks like something strait from a picture book. I suppose most people would call it breathtaking, and I think it is really. But its also very very tame. I have yet to find a single wild thing here. There are not even any dew berry vines. Tomorrow is my first real day off since I started working in Strider's family's store and I am super excited about it! I am going to sleep as late as I please and then make food and take lunch up to Strider. Happy :) He also says that next week we are going fishing, so that makes me very happy too! :)

In spite of the rather complaining sounding things you just read, I actually think that my life here is going to be a truly amazing one. I really enjoy all the people I work with! Like I mentioned, Strider's family is wonderful. They are so very very different from mine in some ways, but in some ways they are just the same. They are warm and welcoming and very accepting! And funny... So very funny. I also really like the church people! Its such fun to live close to cousins. I'm excited about that part of living here! I actually really enjoy all the church people, and am very excited about getting to know them all better. I have great house mates!! One of them loves to cook and we have already learned we have a blast cooking together. I work with both of them at the store so that is a cool thing to share. One of them is busy planning her September wedding so that keeps her pretty busy too. And then there is Strider. :) Life is just better with him close by. I miss home, miss my life, my family, and my house. But when I look honestly at where God has me and how He's led me here, and the amazing man He's placed in my life, I know that I would not trade this moment in history for anything in the world, no matter how hard it is some days.

To all my friends and church family at home... I miss you. I am SO excited that I get to come home in July and see everyone!! I am super grateful for a sweet man who will take me home too! When you think of me, please pray for me. Each of you is in my prayers as God lays you on my heart! Don't forget that I do want to know what is happening in your lives as well! :)