Joy in MY journey.

THEY are so beautiful! Thin, perfect hair, gorgeous houses, darling children, adoring husbands. THEY are so happy. So fulfilled. They have all they ever wanted. They are mommies, wives, lovers, cooks, chauffeurs... And they do it all so flawlessly! Their little girls wear darling pink dresses with brown polka dots and their little boys wear green and black plaid shirts. Not boring plaid mind you but cute. The kind that you buy at GAP or Old Navy. THEY have it all together... My married friends.

THEY are strong women. They laugh, they cry, they hold good jobs. Their check books are neatly balanced, they have their own houses. They know that something is missing in their lives but they fill the void with God and other people. They have deep rich lives because they allow their pain and loneliness to make them ever more beautiful. God does miraculous things for them because they fall before Him daily for the strength to carry on. They bless people constantly because they use their lives well to serve the God who is saving them for Himself. Ultimately they long to be mommies and wives and lovers. THEY are waiting and praying and living so close to God Almighty... My single friends.

And then there is me. I don't fit in either category. Never have, never will. Ok, I know, that is so entirely narcissistic (self centered in the extreme!) but please bear with me a minute. This is a blog and I think more people feel like this so I'm just saying it, ugly as it is. Back to me not fitting. I never was really a 'single girl' because I never really wanted to not be single. What I wanted, want, is to be a nurse. But first I wanted to go to Bible school, and travel, and live in other places. So I did those things. And then I got my own house, settled down to multiple jobs and a crazy class schedule and was a college kid... My life long dream. I LOVED it! Loved my house, loved my work, loved my school, loved my life!! And along came Trouble, otherwise known as Strider... And, because I'm not crazy enough to turn down the opportunity to date the world's most amazing man, I agreed to date him. And here we are, nearly seven months later, still dating. No, we are not engaged. And probably not going to be for a long time yet, so don't ask :)

So this is my life now. I'm dating.( Completely weird! I don't even know how that happened!!) I live in the north. (Way way way north!! Where it snows two thirds of the year!! And I HATE snow!!!!) I live here because I love the church. Thats why I chose to move here anyway. (All of that happened before Strider happened). I'm going back to school in January. To a fancy school. To a northern school. To a school that is not my darling EMCC (East Mississippi Community College) To a school that I have absolutely no idea if I can really make it at or not. So,,,, I'm scared. My life is not like anyone else's that I know. Its not like my old life. Not at all. I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing here. Not with dating, not with living in the north, not with going back to school. I wish I could just drop school. Let go of that craziness, date my darling Strider, maybe eventually marry him, be the great mom with the perfect and darling babies... But I just can't. I can't because my passion is nursing. Because when I get around a helpless old person and I think of then not getting proper care my blood absolutely boils. I can't because when someone asks me a question about how the body works it is sheer delight for me to explain it in detail and I just wish I knew more. I can't cut off my dream and live a normal life because to do that would be to die inside.

So I walk a journey that feels more like a blind slide than an intentional walk. I was used to an ordered life. To being in charge of my world. I'm very goal oriented which makes me a great scholar and an absolutely terrible girlfriend. How to overcome that?? Weddings and babies and love are in the air all around me and most of the time I feel like an impostor in someone else's skin. I really really NEED this crazy goofy man that has become my absolutely best friend. But I'm not someone who really needs other people normally so I don't know what to do with that even! I really love this church but I have absolutely NO idea how to be a good Bethel girl so I end up doing or wearing something wrong every time I turn around. I don't know how to desperately need and cling to both God and Strider and since Strider is the one who is here and physically present, its God who often doesn't hear my desperate ramblings or wipe my angry tears...

So I guess what I'm saying is basically just that I'm still pretty lost in this big new world I'm living in. I get overwhelmed so easily with all the changes. I get mad at myself for not being totally adjusted. I cry because I miss my parents and sisters back home. I get frustrated because I am SOOOO busy and don't have a lot of time to talk to my family and when I do have time I usually am sad about missing them and don't want to risk crying on the phone and making them feel worse. I still hate not owning my own business. I'v learned that dating does NOT automatically make life easier or better. I definitely don't want to give up my sweetheart, but some days I still don't know what on earth to do with him! So, this is my fight... To find joy in MY journey. To find the heart of God even in my hurt and loneliness. To remember that even though I envy my single friends a bit, I wouldn't trade places because THIS is where God has me. To remember that even though I envy my married friends a bit, I wouldn't trade places because THIS is where God has me... Its a good life, even if it gets tough. :)