i love living in town. i love the noise, the traffic, the lights, the people. i love that my car is adding up next to no miles. i love that i can drive 3 weeks on one tank of gas if i'm careful. i love that if i took the time to i could walk or bike almost everywhere i want to go. but i MISS the country. and i miss the south. i saw this video tonight and realized just how much i really miss it! (take a minute and actually watch the video. its totally worth it!)
i think sometimes now about the HOURS i spent alone with God in the last two yrs. all the time i would study and study and study curled in our big green chair or bent over our kitchen table or sprawled on the floor of our living room or hunkered in the corner of our darling red couch. and then when i could focus no longer i would walk... kiesha and i would go stretch our legs on that long expanse of hard packed dirt and i would talk to God and cry and sing and let out my soul. i wonder sometimes what happened to all that soul. now i live each day smiling at a hundred people and loving every one of them. i cook and cook and cook for 4 beautiful men whom i love with all my heart. i laugh sometimes till i cry with my new friend that i am so blessed to share a home with. sometimes i feel like that soul that was growing and stretching to such big wide expanses all those months now uses all the those borders as elastic to keep in all the loving that it has to do! but i'm seldom still now. and maybe in my not stillness i'v moved a bit away from that ever abiding knowledge that He is. i want to know how to find that here in this cold busy crazy new world. how to find Him in the asphalt where i knew dirt and the 4 men where i knew one sister and cashiering where i knew cleaning and the housing development where i knew a hunting reserve and only one small rodent where i knew the loe and kisses of many darling furry creatures and only one small person who loves me and one that sometimes loves me and sometimes doesn't where i knew many who had constant hugs and three million kisses and the working for the approval of my elders where i knew constant support and encouragement. i want to know God in this place. God now that i am girlfriend with a solid supportive man instead of as a clinging desperate-for-every-drop-from-His-gracious-fingers, barely-making-it college kid.
i want to know God. i want to know me. i want to know God in me and God in this world and God in the grace that colors my glorious world shimmering shades of amber, silver, amethyst, turquoise and black. ya, there is black in my world. streaks and slashes and lines that make the whole more beautiful and keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. i want to have still, even in my fullness of love and community, the abiding hunger for God that comes with clinging fiercely to Him for my all. He is my true Love, my first Love, my Passion. He holds the key to my purity and breathe and laughter and life. i want to find Him here. in dirty dishes and pulled pork and bagging 23 bags of organic pearled something or other and counting change and running credit cards and making fresh doughnuts because the man i love is crazy about doughnuts. God was on that dirt road. He moved with me in the dance of the vacuum cleaner. He held my head through every single algebra class. He was the one wrapped around me tight and close on those nights when i simply sat and pounded on my head with closed fists trying desperately to fit one more fact into my brain. life is different now, but God is the same. i want Him here. i want to be still here. amen.
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