of fear and enough.

Her hands shook just a bit as she set the bottle of Sunflower Oil on the belt in front of me. $7.59 for a pint. "It sure is expensive stuff' she confided worriedly, 'but maybe it will help. I'v been reading that it helps slow Alzheimer's and my husband was just diagnosed, so maybe this will help him." I looked at her and my heart broke for her... Tiny, frail, beautiful, and so sad. It was clear that her life, the life she knew, was shattered around her feet. Somehow a new normal had to be found and she was coping with that. I looked into her face and I saw the death of a dream in her eyes. Once, she was young and he was young. Once they loved with no limits, but now disease and decay bring borders in tight on their love and threaten all that they know. Perhaps when the Dr. told them, it was him, the patient, who was strong. Maybe he held her as she cried, her white head bent into his frail shoulder. Maybe it was she who held him, her small hands wiping the tears from his wrinkled, papery cheeks. Whatever the case may be, the dream of their love took a blow that day and it will never be the same. As I worked at bagging some product or other later that day I cried, tears sliding down my cheeks as I thought of all the ones I love, and fear loosing... The brothers I have begged God for my whole life and finally have. How they can infuriate me, how I sometimes long to shake them into shape, but oh how I love them!! How my heart aches over them sometimes and I long to protect them from any and all the pain their lives may bring them! This wonderful little church where my heart at last feels at home... Sometimes I cry and rail and ache against the frustrations of traditional conservative Mennonitism, but oh how I do love these dear dear people!!! When I think of leaving this body of believers my soul burns inside me as if its being ripped in two! My sweet sweet nieces and nephews, I hold them, their strong and fragile little bodies pressed tight against me and I cannot breath for fear that I will never hold them again. I ache with terror that I will never hold my own sweet littles, or that I will... My darling parents, my sweet mama, my silly daddy... Their hands have guided me for 26 years now. I can close my eyes and hear my daddy's voice praying for us kids, lifting us each to the Father for His care and protection. At any given time I can call my sweet mama and she will pray for me, with me. Oh how I fear loosing them!!! My sisters... My sweet, beautiful, amazing sisters. Where would I be without them? Without these 4 wonderful women who took care of me as a baby, read to me, fostered my dreams, helped me with a million things... Who listen to my broken hearted tears, who know every story about every boy I ever liked, who laugh with me, or cry with me, who are my rock solid support team, who are the first ones I turn to in my deepest need. What would I do if I lost one of them? And my career... I think often of the people who for one reason or another can't finish school, can't live the dreams they have, and I cringe in fear that for some reason God will choose to take that from me. And the man I love... So often I look into his face and I see the face of Christ reflected back to me and I love him with a love that I know comes from God and grows stronger every day. I think of loosing him and all that is in me melts into despair. I think of the horror stories that we hear so often, young widows, estranged spouses, broken relationships, disease and suffering... As my mind plays over my conversation with the old lady, I shake inside with fear! 

But then, this past Sunday I sat and listened to a man I deeply respect as he read these words from Isaiah "Fear not!!! I am the Lord your God and I am WITH YOU!" His sermon was wonderful, and I cried. I cried and cried and prayed... My heart settled within me and I could feel the arms of my darling wonderful Father wrap me gently up and cuddle me close to His chest, His breath warm in my heart as He whispered love songs into my soul. If all was stripped away, if all that I love most in this world were gone, if I had no career, no future, no life... He would hold me. I know that I have a wonderful life, but so easily it could be gone. I am keenly aware of this fact. I struggle desperately to not live in deep fear that God will rip the carpet out from under me and leave me empty alone and vulnerable. But the last few days as I have struggled and grappled with these fears I have turned deeper into Him than I have in months and found that He has not moved. He is there and real and wonderful! He is Love and Life and in Him there is no shadow of turning!!! Though the world be removed, He will hold me!! I know that fear will come again, but it does not come from God, and with His help and His love, I can choose to trust His grace, mercy and gentleness. There are no guarantees in life, except that God is with us, if we are with Him. But that is enough. He is enough. Today, tomorrow, always.