The Truth Is...

The truth is, I'v lost my sparkle. I realized this devastating fact a few days ago. The realization came at the end (I really hope its the end) of a long long hard road. Its been dawning on me slowly for the past month or so that I really have let myself die inside over the course of the last year. The weight I'v placed on myself, along with the trauma of a complete and utter life change, have choked out the life and bounty that once played freely in my soul. 

It all started innocently enough. I wanted (and I still want) to please the people in my new world. I really want to fit into this culture that is so completely polar opposite of the one that nurtured and grew me into the outgoing and possibly overly affectionate person that I am. I came to this place, this lovely, and very very northern place with not a clue in my head what it was like to be the only southerner in a church. Let me tell you, if you let it be, as I have done, it can be life sapping. At first I was just myself. I loved the people, and the place, and the life. The southerners I encountered from time to time in the store were like vitamins to my soul. They spoke my language. But slowly those vitamins became not enough. Because I am so different from everyone else I began to imagine (some of it may be real, but probably not as much as I thought) that my every action was being critiqued and criticized.  There are not many people here who compliment or affirm other ppl very much. This may be a perfectly fine thing, but it was completely different than I was used to. Without the steady stream of love and hugs and affection and affirmation that I was used to receiving from my parents, the ladies at church, and even my girl friends, something inside me began to die. The lack of affirmation FELT like criticism. So, in a desperate hope to please everyone and become what I THOUGHT they would like me to be, I began to shut down. It started slowly, but escalated quickly. I stopped blogging. I tried to never put anything on fb that might possibly receive criticism. I drew inside myself and clung desperately to the only person who felt safe, Strider. Soon I was skipping devotions, missing my times of talking openly to my Creator, and putting up walls in my heart. There were a few sweet people who kept pushing through those walls and to them I am eternally grateful!! I grappled hopelessly with the differences between the church I now attend and the one I grew up in. For the first time in my adult life I began to question where I stand with the church. Hopelessness and a deep slippery darkness wrapped itself around my heart like oil thats been in the car for many miles too long! 

During my two weeks in Poland with my friend there I slowly thawed. A bit of the light started to shine into the broken places in my heart and the crust of ice and bitterness that had started to seal around my heart began to crack a little. The people there were so very loving, the church felt so ALIVE to me! People confessed and testified and praised God during testimony time. Watching faith in action like that sparked a hunger in me that had not really been there for quite awhile and I started to long for that life again. One afternoon late in my stay I finally broke down. I cried and talked and cried and talked for a long long time, letting the whole dirty rotten mess of hurt and sadness and anger spill out to my friend. And she in her quiet loving gentle way lent me the eyes and hands of her heart to sift through my mess. I spent a long time that night with my Bible, soaking up the Life I had been missing out on. That was the beginning of my awakening I think. 

This last two weeks home with my parents I did a lot of talking and hashing with my them. Their consistent gentle love and firm support of both my church in the south and in the north were like medicine for me. They helped me pick through the feelings and hurts that I have been dealing with for so long. I had a conversation with a dear friend at church on Sunday and after I had talked it all out and explained whats happening and where I am in life she looked at me and said simply "Your becoming just like them." I realized instantly that she was right. That is exactly what I'v done. With all of my might I'v been trying to become like the people around me. Now let me clarify, there is nothing wrong with the way the people are! They are who they were raised to be. They are quiet and reserved and don't get in other people's business. There is nothing at all wrong with that!! But, its not who I was made to be. Its not something I am in any way capable of becoming, without dying inside. 

So, this is my confession to you all. I have let, over the course of the last year, the fear of man rather than the fear of God become the deciding factor in my life. I firmly pushed away and ignored God's call on my life to live vulnerably and openly. I actively sought to destroy all that He made me to be in a desperate hope that I could some how win something that is not possible. I have been seeking a southern response from northern people, which is no more a possibility than is me becoming a 'normal' northerner. This is the realization I came to just a few days ago, and this is when I realized, much to my horror, that I have lost my sparkle. 

I don't kid myself into thinking it will be easy to regain. Life for me is hard right now. Adjusting to a new culture, a new family, a new school... None of it is easy. As most married people will tell you, dating is not easy. The uncertainty of living in a place where I have no roots, no permanent home, and no secured future... well honestly its the hardest thing I'v ever done. But moving away from the One who brought me here, loosing my relationship with the only Life Line I have, that does not help in the least. I don't know yet how it will all work out. But I do know this, God is with me. His hands are carrying me, and I never want to leave them again!