I had a secret...

I had a secret. For nearly half of the number of years that i’v lived on this earth, i had a secret. A black, mean, soul-devouring secret. I got my secret when i was 5, and it lived and breathed and created death in my heart until i was 18. As a hospice nurse, i can see how cancer grows in the human body; its angry hungry cells ever seeking to expand, desiring to suck the life from its host. The longer it lives, the more it controls and destroys... So it was with my secret... Shame, hurt, fear, and worst of all an overpowering need to control my own life... these symptoms of my secret haunted me. From the overweight child to the overly responsible adolescent to the deeply depressed and suicidal teen, my secret chased me. It created in me a darkness so vast that i dared not venture to close to the edge of it for fear of falling in and never getting back out. But God. But Jesus. He knocked and He called. He proved Himself again and again as the Lover of my soul. He did not give up on me. Daily i donned the black and baggy, desperate for hiding and anonymity from my secret even while my desperate heart craved light and joy. But Jesus never minds the black and baggy. Jesus never heeds the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on a hungry heart. Jesus never forgets the pain of our secrets... so He kept knocking... And then, i opened the door of my heart to Him. His love poured into and over and through my secret. It poured out of me through my eyes in rivers of gushing darkness and fear... The arms of Jesus took the form of the arms of my dearest sister-friend, His hands worked through hers, drying my tears and making me tea. His voice spoke through her silence, giving me permission to grieve the lost years and the shattered places. The healing of Jesus swept my secret, shattered its lies, and exposed it as the evil from satan that it was. That night, everything changed. The sweetest healing began. The most joy-filled life imaginable swallowed me in a wild storm of beautiful colors and glittering light. And that, that is why my heart and soul burn w Fire and Life, aching to share Him with you. Because i KNOW that He is Life. I know that apart from Jesus your secret will kill you. Without His power to blaze glorious Light and Life through your heart cancer, there is no hope. And i know the incredible freedom and life-altering peace and joy of healing. He never gave up on me. He still fills me daily with His Light. His power and the joy of His Presence pulse through my every fiber every single day. Sometimes my secret still makes me sad. Sometimes my heart has to be rinsed again. Jesus is always there. His arms cradle me. His hands wipe the tears. Sometimes i am sad at the scars my secret left. I don't always like the things in my life that would not be there had i not had a secret... But then Jesus whispers to me “Scars only come from healing, I want to show up and shine through your scars...” and so it is that i'm telling you now. I had a secret. It nearly destroyed me. But Jesus loved me anyway. He loved me wildly and passionately and so much that He gave me all His life to heal my gaping wounds and destroy my secret. There is no life apart from Him. I love Him wildly, crazily, and not nearly as much as He loves me. My life is beautiful now. My scars are still tender. They will likely always cause me some pain. But the lie that my secret gave me; that Jesus did not care enough to stop my secret from happening, has been shown and proven as just that, a lie. I know now that He was there. He never turned His face away from me. Even as my tiny child heart shattered, so His almighty God heart did. And then He waited, arms open, hands reaching to lift me, for 13 years as i tried to hide my pain and brokenness.

Tenth Avenue North says is so well...

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

So we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up

Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hide

Can come crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide but you find

That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight

This coming light

Let this blood come cover us

His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark