A Political Post...

Disclaimer: This is my opinion, which has been held for quite some time. Take it or leave it. I'm not looking for a debate, just throwing my $.02 in.

As anyone who knows me well already knows, I do not follow politics. Truth is I probably pay a lot less attention to the news than I should and thats not a good thing. My dad and boyfriend are both newspaper readers and so I get a fair amount of news second hand. The reason, mostly, that I don't keep up with the news is that its depressing and frightening. I'm not condoning this habit of mine, I'm just stating it as fact. There is a trend that I see amongst my friends, especially on facebook, that really bothers me though. It looks to me like Obama bashing has become a sport. Now, please, do not get me wrong. I understand that he condones things that from a biblical standpoint can not be condoned. I get it that he supports abortion and abortion is, according to Scripture, murder. But according to Scripture is it not also murder to hate someone in our hearts? Since when is it ok for a Christian to publicly bash anyone, let alone an elected official?? God clearly states that we are to honor our parents. He also clearly states that we are to give honor to elected officials. I do not know one single person who would publicly slander his or her parents on facebook or anywhere else for that matter. Even when a person hates his parents, we generally have more decorum than to paint our walls with it like graffiti! So maybe all the jokes, pictures and "you need to be aware", posts are not actually ok. Perhaps, (and I do mean perhaps, I am not saying this is the case) they are an overflow from a heart full of hate? 

Another angle of this whole thing that I find particularly troubling is how much people are talking about our president vs how little they seem to be praying. Note I said 'seem to be' not 'are'. I understand that a great deal of silent and unseen prayer goes on! But my question is, can you truly pray for the good of someone and then turn around and slander then publicly? And I wonder too, have facebook and social media and other people become so huge to us that we think that telling the world about our feelings about our president will do more good than telling Almighty God? I understand that we have a responsibility to stay up to date with what is happening in the world around us. I understand that I am lacking greatly in that area. But I also understand that we are required, by God's law, to pray for those who make the laws of the land we live in. If we as American born Christians put the energy into prayer and fasting for this country and our leaders that we do into 'warning' others of Obama's marxist/socialist/muslim traits, perhaps the tide of the country would change. Our futures are NOT in the hands of any man. We rest in the palm of Almighty God! If we are subjected to the horrors of torture for our faith, it is simply because America as a whole has fallen away from God, not because one single man took us there. No man has the power to destroy a nation. If we are destroyed it is our own doing. And yes, I do mean 'our'. When was the last time that any of us spent an extended length of time in solitude, prayer, and fasting for this country and the hearts of its leaders? What about for revival to sweep our land? What about for the souls of the teenagers and children that are so hurt by the corruption around them? We are 'so upset' by the issue of abortion, but what are we doing about it? 

So here is my personal take on politics. I want to pray more. I want to lift up the men and women who lead this country that I am blessed to live in. I want them to know Jesus Christ. And I want my life to be led, controlled, and dictated by the will of my Father, not by the whims of any human, including myself. Yes, I want the killing to stop. Yes I want this country to honor God. Yes I want this country to be a democracy and not a socialist country. But I know, absolutely, that only God controls that and the only way that God will be honored in this country is if He is honored in the hearts and lives of His children who live in it. 

Choir...

Five months ago I made a decision that completely changed my life. Yup, completely. I decided to join the choir at my school. I had no idea. No. Idea. how MUCH that would change my life on campus. You see the thing about choir is that every single person in choir completely rocks. I have learned to love each and every one of them so very very very much! They are goofy, crazy, silly, original, and totally amazing. Ya, every one of them. And they really are. Every one of them, every one of us, together make up something really incredible! I love being a part of that incredible something! 

I will never forget the first day that I slowly climbed that long long stair case in the Music building. I was kicking myself all the way. One of the ladies that I work for goes to church with the director and had been after me for months to join. I had finally given in and here I was. All I wanted was to turn around and leave. But I didn't, thank God! I had one friend in choir but climbing those stairs I didn't know that he would be there. That first day I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I loved the music, and the people looked fun, but I was scared and felt alone and didn't have my brave face on very well. But, I was also committed, and I love to sing. So I kept going back. It didn't take long for me to learn that these people were totally awesome and I loved them, but it took them longer to learn to love me. I'm not sure they all do yet, but thats ok, I still love them. To me it felt like I sort of found a spot when I went to see a play put on by the Music Theatre Workshop class. It was a totally great play and I got very into it. The next day in class it was so fun to have that in common with the ones who are in that class! The end of February when we went to Meridian for the Community Choir Convention I felt like I was finally a part of the group. That was when choir really got fun for me. At that point I realized that every person on that bus was special to me. The time since then has been a lot of fun! 

Last Thursday at the awards ceremony I got to sit with the Reflections Singers. They are a smaller group from Choir that does more music and does a lot of special services and stuff. It was so much fun! It was cool to see/hear how much NOISE we made whenever one of us won an award. I'm pretty sure that we were by far the noisiest bunch in the auditorium! That afternoon while I was doing homework I randomly popped onto facebook to see that one of our band directors had posted saying that the choir director and Reflections Singers had been in a bad wreck on their way to a performance. My heart went through the bottoms of my feet!! I had no idea if everyone was ok or if anyone was dead or seriously hurt or anything! I immediately tried getting ahold of people and finally got a call about an hour later saying everyone was ok. Banged up and some injuries, but ok. The complete horror of that hour is going to stay with me for awhile!! 

Tonight, as we gave our last performance, it was so incredibly good just to be together. All together. We were missing one of our members who got pretty roughed up in the accident, but she is alive and ok. Thank You God! I think sometimes that you don't know how much you love people until you are faced with the reality that they could be gone. Saying goodbyes tonight was hard. I wanted to cry. I love each of these crazy kids so much! I call them kids because (although they don't know this) they are a lot younger than I am. Yes ya'l, I'm 24. A lot older than you :) 

Choir taught me a lot. Let me give you a few things that got cemented in my brain a lot more deeply. #1. People don't notice each other, they only notice themselves. Nobody thought about my presence nearly as much as I thought they did. #2. People like people who are themselves. I learned this by trial and non-error. Once I relaxed and was myself, people liked me. Voila!! Amazing new friends! #3. New things always make you grow. Sometimes we don't like to grow, I get that. But if you never try something new, never stretch your world, never go out on a limb, you will not grow. Amen. #4. People are people are people. We all have feelings and fears and hurts. We all have insecurities. We all want others to like us. Thats just how we are! #5. People like people who like themselves. Its not easy to like ourselves. To see our value. To be comfortable enough in our own skin that we can look outside ourselves and love others. But its pretty vital to being like Jesus. And #6. People like people who like them. We like those who genuinely like us and reach out to us. Its just human nature! 

I am so glad I joined choir. I would not trade the experience for anything in the world! I already miss my dear friends so very much! They are truly a part of my heart! So ya'l, (EMCC choir) when you think of me, drop me a message :) You know I would LOVE to hear from you! Any of you. Any time! I love you all so very much! I pray your summer is totally amazing and that you go on to have wonderful lives! Follow Jesus, and remember not to talk during practice or use your cell phones in church! :) :) 

Goodbyes...

Tonight I did something I'v done a million times, but every time is special. Every time my heart tugs, but tonight it tugged harder than normal. Tonight it brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my soul. Tonight I hugged my mama. 

We had a family night tonight instead of church. An evening to get together as families and hang out and play games and do whatever each family loves to do. So our family was together at my sister's. We ate popcorn, hashed out life's problems, and played a great game of 'Last Word'. Its a new one for us and we loved it! Laughed till we cried! When dad's were ready to go I walked out to the car to get the bags of jars I had brought for mom and give them to her. Jars. All my jars. All the jars that have held tea and broth and kefir and jelly and tomatoes and juice for me. Two years worth of work those jars have done for me. But tonight I returned them all to my mama, who gave them to me two years ago when I moved out of her house and into my own. Now its time to move them back, because its time to move everything out of this house. I tucked the jars into the van and turned to hug my mama. Her arms are so strong and so soft. Her beautiful silver hair brushed my cheek and she smelled, as she always does, of her special face cream. I buried my face in her shoulder and let tears slide out from under my eye lids. Three weeks. Just three more weeks. Thats all the time I have. How does one go about leaving a whole world? My mind skips back in time to the day I left to move to Virginia. That was only a few months before my mama got sick and I ended up coming home to take care of her. She is so much better now, but what if she needs me and I'm not here? I held her tight and wished that Wisconsin were not a zillion miles away. 

Tonight, my whole heart hurt. I hugged my niece and nephews, my sister, my dad, my mom... I played volley ball with my youth group, whom I love so much. I drove down roads that I'v been driving since before I was even old enough to drive legally. I passed the church where God has moved and convicted my heart dozens of times, where I was baptized, where my brother is buried, where my sisters were married. I pulled my car up in front of the school where for twelve long years I slaved away earning a top notch education and many mental bruises. I came home to a house that I have learned to love with all my heart and soul and an adorable dog who has wormed her way into my heart in spite of my best efforts to not let her. I rode in my car with my dear dear sister/friend whom I have learned to love so very much... All things I have to say goodbye to very soon. Maybe I will be back, and maybe not. Regardless, the goodbyes are so very very hard. I wonder if I am completely insane, totally daffy, and utterly off my rocker. Wisconsin is cold, and a zillion miles away. 

In all the fear, hurt, heartache, there is One to whom I cling. One to whom my heart belongs. One who plans my days, my moments. One who has my best, and His glory in mind. One whom I can trust absolutely, completely, without reserve. One who leads me, day by day, through the hurting of tearing out roots. One who will lead me, day by day, through the process of putting down new roots, building a new life, fitting in a new world. I wonder what people who don't have Him do? How do they even survive? Even breath? I have no idea! I am grateful I don't have to find out. 

From start to Month One, Strider and I...

Seven months ago, I met this guy. I did not, did NOT want to meet him! Well ok, secretly I sorta did, but I fought it tooth and nail. I informed my cousin Vin more than once "I am NOT coming to Wisconsin to see you! I do not want to meet him!" The 'him' being Vin's best friend whom he had sort of been hinting around at me about for years. I really didn't want to meet him. You see, I'd gotten pretty great at avoiding the male gender in any threatening way. My number 1 strategy for keeping my life uncomplicated was simple. Don't meet new guys. Especially not older available rather good looking already passed my brother/cousin's specs guys. So the logical conclusion was simple. Don't go to Wisconsin. But i wanted to go. I wanted to meet this great place that Vin called home. I wanted a weekend away, time with him and his sisters. I wanted to go fishing with him. And I sorta kinda almost wanted to meet his amazing guy who I knew I needed to face meeting sooner or later. So, at long last, after much protest, I went. 

It was not 'like' at first sight. Not quite. But I was completely entirely and unreservedly at ease around him. Totally new experience for me. To this day I think that possibly part of why he likes me is because I can out shoot him at laser tag. (I'm fairly certain that that comment could get me another game. The man does not like to be beaten. Apparently neither do I!) The thing that stands out the most to me about the night that Vin, Strider, and I spent together just the three of us hanging out and being completely crazy is that I learned that he is not easily ruffled. This, dear friends, is a fact that impressed me GREATLY! I think I'l pass on explaining what happened to prove this fact to me, but it was an issue that most guys would not have handled so calmly. 

On Monday morning, before I left for home, Vin, his sister, Strider, and I, went out for coffee. Vin and I were late and when we walked in Strider and Vin's sister were already at the table drinking coffee. He looked at me and asked "How do you like the lights in here?" and I knew I was in trouble. The people close to me know that I LOVE lights. I notice lights wherever I go. Chandeliers are my favorite! I could look at them for hours. I'm also a complete sucker for a guy who notices. 

So, for three months I waffled back and forth between liking him and despising that he had gotten under my shell. Then, on December 28, Vin and Strider flew in to spend the weekend with me before we picked my BFF up on the 31st and hit the road for Texas. The four of us spent a glorious wonderful relaxed and uncomplicated week together! And maybe I got a little (or a lot but I'm not admitting that) bit more smitten. But regardless what I was feeling, I knew where he stood. He did an absolutely wonderful job of keeping things uncomplicated and strictly friendly (bless his dear wise soul!) I came home and cried for two weeks solid. Not entirely, mind you, over him. But God used that trip, and more him than anything, to show me how cold and controlled I'd become. So for the next three months I cried and prayed and grew in God and let Him heal places in me that before meeting Strider, before having my shell cracked, I wouldn't let God close to. Ya, I prayed about him. Ya, I cried about him. Ya, I tried a million ways to make him fit a box I was comfortable with. Nothing worked. He just WAS and he was my friend and he was just IN my life. Period. Eventually, I stopped fighting this fact. Eventually, I gave up. Eventually, God got ahold of all my twisted up dreams and I let Him have them. Then, something happened that I didn't dare dream for even.

A month ago today, this girl who never jumps into ANYTHING, agreed to leap headlong into this crazy relationship with this amazing man. Well, ok, let me be perfectly honest here. I knew when I agreed to this ride that I was not, absolutely NOT going to leap headlong. Maybe get my feet wet. Possibly even wade knee deep. But leaping was out of the question. See, I need plans. I have a plan for everything. I need to know where things fit and have a time schedule for everything. Not so this Strider who walked into my world and shook it so thoroughly. The more spontaneous something is, the happier he is. Oh boy! :) Thankfully He is also incredibly sweet and remembers my need for plans! Hopefully I am learning to be a bit more flexible too! 

 Strider has shaken my neat, tidy existence all to bits, without even meaning to. He surprises me all the time! I know you will all laugh, but I was entirely shocked and delighted when he brought me flowers for our first date. We met in South Carolina, and the idea of him stopping at a florists to buy flowers for ME, and then traveling with them, was... Well I don't even know what. Amazing for one thing.

 You see, by the time we started dating I already knew that there wasn't another guy out there that I would rather hang out with, let alone be close to. I was not entirely sure that I was willing to be close to this one, but NOT taking the risk seemed much much worse than taking it. I'd come too far, trusted too much, let him see too much of who I was to back out at that point. So, surprise that it was to me that he actually liked me, I was cool with it. Most days :) 

The thing that no one really understands about dating before they start is that its hard. Good, but hard. I am so very very grateful for the solid basis of trust and friendship that I have with this man! Without that I would have baled rapidly. Or, in the words of my sister who knows me so well "You would have never agreed to it in the first place!" She is probably right! 

Here is the thing though. We are friends. He makes me laugh like no one I have ever known! He is calm and rock solid steady. I wouldn't even dream of pushing this guy who seems so easy going. I love that security. He's goofy and gentle and takes my family, crazy and wonderful and loud and goofy as they are, totally in stride. He even likes me when I'm sick. I have yet to figure out what in the world he sees in me! I think I mostly complicate and dramatize his life, but he assures me that he's fine with that. Somedays, I still hold my breath about it all. On those days I can count on him to remind me to simply breathe. He's great with that simply breathing stuff! Me? Not so much. I hope I'm learning! But its still pretty new and I'm still fairly certain that he is doing most of the giving and that I don't have a lot to offer right now. When the chips are down, and I'm totally freaking out about algebra or moving or some other thing thats happening in my constantly uproarious life, I can absolutely bank on him having good advice, and not giving me any kind of fluff to make me feel better in the moment. I can also count on him making me giggle. Endlessly. Even when I'm totally stressing out. All in all, this month of walking deeper into God's plan for us has been pretty crazy. Ups and downs, sometimes a day apart, sometimes thirty minutes apart. But its leveling out. I'm much more excited about this thing now than I was a month ago. I knew he was a good man then, but I'm learning all the time just how amazing he really is! For a girl who didn't think she wanted a boyfriend, well, lets just say she does now!! :)

"Your turn is coming."

Know that phrase? If your single you do! Oh how I HATED that phrase! Still do. I have vowed within my soul to never ever ever say that to any struggling single girl. I personally find it to be one of the most condescending and demeaning things anyone can say to anyone else. Know why? Cuz hunny your turn is here!!! You have every chance TODAY to live a full, happy, creative life! You are so completely amazing!! You do not need a man to make you whole or make you who you are meant to be! I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here aren't I? I tend to do that when I feel really passionately about something. 

Maybe your one of those girls who really really just wants to get married and have babies. That is an amazing calling! That role of wife and mother is one of the greatest things God can call anyone to and hunny if that is the dream He has put in your heart then by all means pray for it! Ask Him for that gift! Lift your heart to Him and seek His fulfilling of that dream. AND DO NOT SIT ON YOUR HANDS AND WAIT FOR HIM TO ANSWER YOU!! I think I can safely say from my own experiences, that living a full and productive single life does not always fill all the empty places in a girls heart. But I can say from watching my sisters and walking beside them in their journeys that being married (even to amazing men, and my brother in laws are truly truly amazing men!) does not fill all the empty places either. So live! Get a job you love, go to another country, try new kinds of food! You. Are. Valuable. You have worth and value and love and life to offer the world around you! If you don't offer yourself to the world around you, then how can you offer yourself to the man God has for you? If we do not like ourselves enough to want to know ourselves, how can we possibly expect any man to want to know us? What makes you tick? What makes you come alive? What makes you dream big dreams and work hard and do whatever it takes to succeed at it? Find those things and go do them! 

Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I speak from the standpoint of a very independent girl. God did some major overhauling in my heart to make me willing to say yes to Strider. Fortunately for Strider most of that overhauling happened before he had any clue it was happening. Or maybe God was overhauling us both at the same time. Regardless, I'v kicked and fought and screamed and cried my way into submission to God over the idea of dating. Dating Strider, mind you, is totally incredible! The man could not be more amazing or better to me!! But thats a topic for another blog :) My point is this. I know that I don't empathize with the deep heart ache that many girls feel over singlehood. But hunny I know how amazing it is to LIVE with Jesus Christ as my all! To get out of my comfort zone because HE asks me to! To care about people and to be filled in new ways by His Spirit working through them! No I am not bragging in the least! I had no part whatsoever in how God made me! But I'm inviting you to try this crazy life!! Your time is not coming, your time is here! When you say 'yes' to the crazy adventure of a passionate life with Jesus Christ, THAT is when your time comes! If you bank on Mr. Right filling you, making your dreams come true, being that Knight in Shining Armor that sweeps you off your feet and makes you life a heaven on earth, please please rethink! Even Strider, in all his incredibleness, cannot be my Savior! He cant save me from my fear or my loneliness or my stubbornness or my pride! He can be my friend, a rock in my world, a shelter from some of the emotional storms in my life, but he can never be my all! Please, let God take you crazy places! Ask Him to show you the dreams He wants you filling! Then, if He chooses to place you in the life of a great godly guy, not only will you have more to offer him, but together the two of you can be a much much more dynamic team for God! And the next time some sweet and well intentioned soul says to you "Your turn is coming" don't go home and cry in your hot chocolate over the uncertainty of that! Find someone who needs you and throw your energy into being Jesus' hands for them! 

Love Does

Love, is a verb. We think its a feeling, and maybe it can be, in its lighter forms. But love, real love, is an action verb. Love is what sends flowers to a hurting friend, its what does laundry for an overwhelmed mom, its what cooks a meal for an overworked business partner, its what sees the needs around it and fills them. Love works out in a million tiny ways. From picking a nail up from a parking lot so that no drives or steps on it, to spending money you can't spare to meet a need someone else cant fill for themselves. Love, real love, sees past bad attitudes and sloppy clothes and smelly feet to the person that is inside that shell of a body.  Love takes the time to truly listen to the hearts of others, to draw out of them what is going on inside. Love DOES. It does what Jesus would do. 

There are some things that love does not do too. Love never judges. Love never condemns. There are times when love discerns a problem or a sin issue and the guilty party feels judged, but love never judges. Love never ignores pain. Sometimes we can't help physically. Sometimes we cant give to a certain situation. Sometimes we don't have the resources to help at the moment in time when help is needed. but we can pray! Love never turns a blind eye to the hurting of another human. Love never watches quietly while an elderly person struggles with a heavy door. Love does not ignore someone who has fallen. Not physically or spiritually. Love does not hear the words "I need to talk" and walk away. Love takes the time.

Love is the face and hands and feet of Jesus Christ. If we as Christians are not Love, then how will the world see Him? Certainly not through our preaching. Definitely not through our determination that they are bound for hell. Maybe not even through our pious concern for their souls. Hurting people need Jesus. Hurting people need Love. Hurting people need Christians who just take the time to notice, and do something about it. They need friends who look them in the eye and love them. The next time you see the chance to be His hands for someone, remember this, Love Does.

Of goodbyes and steps forward...

Beside me on my computer table sits a goblet of sparkling grape juice. The Piano Guys are playing. My tummy is full of pasta made with fresh garlic, course ground black pepper, and 3 kinds of amazing aged cheese that Strider brought with him for me. Crazy what guys will do :) The house is still echoing from a weekend of being packed with people. So much happened here this weekend. We laughed and sang and played and cooked and loved. We lived. We built confidence and clarity and courage in each other. Praying happened here. There was a lot of quiet alone time spent with God in the peace of this house. The sun shone on us and it was good. Tears were shed, hearts opened, lives touched forever by togetherness. Rook games were played, won, lost. I experienced Jesus this weekend in sweet ways through the caring of my friends. This weekend was, for Jewel and I, a grand finalee. This weekend was the last time that we will pack our little house with people and bulge the walls with the music of hearts dancing together in joy and gratitude for this gift of life. We have three weeks left in this sweet little house. This house that has held us as we cried, been a haven from the world, listened to our secrets, let us lean our backs against its walls and wail when we needed to. This house that has sheltered our loved ones, accepted our guests, nourished our souls. This house that has been home. We grew here. We loved God, each other, our selves, our families, and even some people we really didn't like. Here we have spent hours praying together. We have cried tears of joy as we watched God work miracles we asked for. We have laughed here. Laughed so very much! We have read together, fought, cooked, grown. As I sit here, on this dearly beloved couch that I paid $30 for at a thrift store, I think of the 200 or so times in the last two years that I have collapsed completely exhausted into its comforting embrace for a nap. I don't want to leave it. I think of last evening, sitting here with Strider, and I smile. Maybe I do want to leave it. Maybe to move forward we must always be willing to walk away from something. I don't like to think of life with Jewel on the other side of the globe. But I don't like to think of life with Strider 1,000 miles away either. I don't like to think of leaving this beautiful little house that holds my heart. I don't want to leave my family, my sweet mama or my darling daddy, my sisters, or their babies... But to refuse to follow where God's hand is leading me... That I cannot do. I think of my church, my youth, the people I love, the place that makes up my world. I think of leaving the community that houses the 400 acres on which I grew up and my heart twists. But then I think of standing in that big open pasture with Strider and talking about fishing this summer, and I know that I could not deny myself the privilege of following God into this new adventure no matter how much I wanted to. Goodbyes are hard. Leaving a dream is hard. Leaving home... Sometimes it feels impossible. But God... The Wild Wind of His Spirit swirls around me pulling, tugging, persuading... People say "Ah! Your boyfriend is from Wisconsin, so THATS why your going there!" and I smile in my heart because I know that they are wrong. No matter how much I like him, I could not leave the safety of my world, even for the summer, for him. But the hand of God... I will follow. He is teaching me, slowly, that He is faithful and trustworthy in every moment of every day! Even when the day includes leaving the place I love and am safe. He is my safety, my security. Sometimes to prove that He lifts us out of the safety we make for ourselves and places us safely right into the middle of the storm. As I sit and look at the slightly shambled house around me my heart swells. This chapter of Jewel and I's lives has been so amazing! We prayed so hard for this house. We wanted the chance to share a house and get out on our own so badly. God gave us this opportunity and we made a great go of it! The home we have here will be forever in both our hearts. But God is writing each of our stories, and I am so very very excited to know what He has planned for the next chapter! Wisconsin and Poland are both a far far cry from Mississippi, but God has proven to us each that His plans are so very much better than ours! He is good. Life is good. And we still have a house to pack :)