Goodbyes...

Tonight I did something I'v done a million times, but every time is special. Every time my heart tugs, but tonight it tugged harder than normal. Tonight it brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my soul. Tonight I hugged my mama. 

We had a family night tonight instead of church. An evening to get together as families and hang out and play games and do whatever each family loves to do. So our family was together at my sister's. We ate popcorn, hashed out life's problems, and played a great game of 'Last Word'. Its a new one for us and we loved it! Laughed till we cried! When dad's were ready to go I walked out to the car to get the bags of jars I had brought for mom and give them to her. Jars. All my jars. All the jars that have held tea and broth and kefir and jelly and tomatoes and juice for me. Two years worth of work those jars have done for me. But tonight I returned them all to my mama, who gave them to me two years ago when I moved out of her house and into my own. Now its time to move them back, because its time to move everything out of this house. I tucked the jars into the van and turned to hug my mama. Her arms are so strong and so soft. Her beautiful silver hair brushed my cheek and she smelled, as she always does, of her special face cream. I buried my face in her shoulder and let tears slide out from under my eye lids. Three weeks. Just three more weeks. Thats all the time I have. How does one go about leaving a whole world? My mind skips back in time to the day I left to move to Virginia. That was only a few months before my mama got sick and I ended up coming home to take care of her. She is so much better now, but what if she needs me and I'm not here? I held her tight and wished that Wisconsin were not a zillion miles away. 

Tonight, my whole heart hurt. I hugged my niece and nephews, my sister, my dad, my mom... I played volley ball with my youth group, whom I love so much. I drove down roads that I'v been driving since before I was even old enough to drive legally. I passed the church where God has moved and convicted my heart dozens of times, where I was baptized, where my brother is buried, where my sisters were married. I pulled my car up in front of the school where for twelve long years I slaved away earning a top notch education and many mental bruises. I came home to a house that I have learned to love with all my heart and soul and an adorable dog who has wormed her way into my heart in spite of my best efforts to not let her. I rode in my car with my dear dear sister/friend whom I have learned to love so very much... All things I have to say goodbye to very soon. Maybe I will be back, and maybe not. Regardless, the goodbyes are so very very hard. I wonder if I am completely insane, totally daffy, and utterly off my rocker. Wisconsin is cold, and a zillion miles away. 

In all the fear, hurt, heartache, there is One to whom I cling. One to whom my heart belongs. One who plans my days, my moments. One who has my best, and His glory in mind. One whom I can trust absolutely, completely, without reserve. One who leads me, day by day, through the hurting of tearing out roots. One who will lead me, day by day, through the process of putting down new roots, building a new life, fitting in a new world. I wonder what people who don't have Him do? How do they even survive? Even breath? I have no idea! I am grateful I don't have to find out.