Goodbyes...

Tonight I did something I'v done a million times, but every time is special. Every time my heart tugs, but tonight it tugged harder than normal. Tonight it brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my soul. Tonight I hugged my mama. 

We had a family night tonight instead of church. An evening to get together as families and hang out and play games and do whatever each family loves to do. So our family was together at my sister's. We ate popcorn, hashed out life's problems, and played a great game of 'Last Word'. Its a new one for us and we loved it! Laughed till we cried! When dad's were ready to go I walked out to the car to get the bags of jars I had brought for mom and give them to her. Jars. All my jars. All the jars that have held tea and broth and kefir and jelly and tomatoes and juice for me. Two years worth of work those jars have done for me. But tonight I returned them all to my mama, who gave them to me two years ago when I moved out of her house and into my own. Now its time to move them back, because its time to move everything out of this house. I tucked the jars into the van and turned to hug my mama. Her arms are so strong and so soft. Her beautiful silver hair brushed my cheek and she smelled, as she always does, of her special face cream. I buried my face in her shoulder and let tears slide out from under my eye lids. Three weeks. Just three more weeks. Thats all the time I have. How does one go about leaving a whole world? My mind skips back in time to the day I left to move to Virginia. That was only a few months before my mama got sick and I ended up coming home to take care of her. She is so much better now, but what if she needs me and I'm not here? I held her tight and wished that Wisconsin were not a zillion miles away. 

Tonight, my whole heart hurt. I hugged my niece and nephews, my sister, my dad, my mom... I played volley ball with my youth group, whom I love so much. I drove down roads that I'v been driving since before I was even old enough to drive legally. I passed the church where God has moved and convicted my heart dozens of times, where I was baptized, where my brother is buried, where my sisters were married. I pulled my car up in front of the school where for twelve long years I slaved away earning a top notch education and many mental bruises. I came home to a house that I have learned to love with all my heart and soul and an adorable dog who has wormed her way into my heart in spite of my best efforts to not let her. I rode in my car with my dear dear sister/friend whom I have learned to love so very much... All things I have to say goodbye to very soon. Maybe I will be back, and maybe not. Regardless, the goodbyes are so very very hard. I wonder if I am completely insane, totally daffy, and utterly off my rocker. Wisconsin is cold, and a zillion miles away. 

In all the fear, hurt, heartache, there is One to whom I cling. One to whom my heart belongs. One who plans my days, my moments. One who has my best, and His glory in mind. One whom I can trust absolutely, completely, without reserve. One who leads me, day by day, through the hurting of tearing out roots. One who will lead me, day by day, through the process of putting down new roots, building a new life, fitting in a new world. I wonder what people who don't have Him do? How do they even survive? Even breath? I have no idea! I am grateful I don't have to find out. 

From start to Month One, Strider and I...

Seven months ago, I met this guy. I did not, did NOT want to meet him! Well ok, secretly I sorta did, but I fought it tooth and nail. I informed my cousin Vin more than once "I am NOT coming to Wisconsin to see you! I do not want to meet him!" The 'him' being Vin's best friend whom he had sort of been hinting around at me about for years. I really didn't want to meet him. You see, I'd gotten pretty great at avoiding the male gender in any threatening way. My number 1 strategy for keeping my life uncomplicated was simple. Don't meet new guys. Especially not older available rather good looking already passed my brother/cousin's specs guys. So the logical conclusion was simple. Don't go to Wisconsin. But i wanted to go. I wanted to meet this great place that Vin called home. I wanted a weekend away, time with him and his sisters. I wanted to go fishing with him. And I sorta kinda almost wanted to meet his amazing guy who I knew I needed to face meeting sooner or later. So, at long last, after much protest, I went. 

It was not 'like' at first sight. Not quite. But I was completely entirely and unreservedly at ease around him. Totally new experience for me. To this day I think that possibly part of why he likes me is because I can out shoot him at laser tag. (I'm fairly certain that that comment could get me another game. The man does not like to be beaten. Apparently neither do I!) The thing that stands out the most to me about the night that Vin, Strider, and I spent together just the three of us hanging out and being completely crazy is that I learned that he is not easily ruffled. This, dear friends, is a fact that impressed me GREATLY! I think I'l pass on explaining what happened to prove this fact to me, but it was an issue that most guys would not have handled so calmly. 

On Monday morning, before I left for home, Vin, his sister, Strider, and I, went out for coffee. Vin and I were late and when we walked in Strider and Vin's sister were already at the table drinking coffee. He looked at me and asked "How do you like the lights in here?" and I knew I was in trouble. The people close to me know that I LOVE lights. I notice lights wherever I go. Chandeliers are my favorite! I could look at them for hours. I'm also a complete sucker for a guy who notices. 

So, for three months I waffled back and forth between liking him and despising that he had gotten under my shell. Then, on December 28, Vin and Strider flew in to spend the weekend with me before we picked my BFF up on the 31st and hit the road for Texas. The four of us spent a glorious wonderful relaxed and uncomplicated week together! And maybe I got a little (or a lot but I'm not admitting that) bit more smitten. But regardless what I was feeling, I knew where he stood. He did an absolutely wonderful job of keeping things uncomplicated and strictly friendly (bless his dear wise soul!) I came home and cried for two weeks solid. Not entirely, mind you, over him. But God used that trip, and more him than anything, to show me how cold and controlled I'd become. So for the next three months I cried and prayed and grew in God and let Him heal places in me that before meeting Strider, before having my shell cracked, I wouldn't let God close to. Ya, I prayed about him. Ya, I cried about him. Ya, I tried a million ways to make him fit a box I was comfortable with. Nothing worked. He just WAS and he was my friend and he was just IN my life. Period. Eventually, I stopped fighting this fact. Eventually, I gave up. Eventually, God got ahold of all my twisted up dreams and I let Him have them. Then, something happened that I didn't dare dream for even.

A month ago today, this girl who never jumps into ANYTHING, agreed to leap headlong into this crazy relationship with this amazing man. Well, ok, let me be perfectly honest here. I knew when I agreed to this ride that I was not, absolutely NOT going to leap headlong. Maybe get my feet wet. Possibly even wade knee deep. But leaping was out of the question. See, I need plans. I have a plan for everything. I need to know where things fit and have a time schedule for everything. Not so this Strider who walked into my world and shook it so thoroughly. The more spontaneous something is, the happier he is. Oh boy! :) Thankfully He is also incredibly sweet and remembers my need for plans! Hopefully I am learning to be a bit more flexible too! 

 Strider has shaken my neat, tidy existence all to bits, without even meaning to. He surprises me all the time! I know you will all laugh, but I was entirely shocked and delighted when he brought me flowers for our first date. We met in South Carolina, and the idea of him stopping at a florists to buy flowers for ME, and then traveling with them, was... Well I don't even know what. Amazing for one thing.

 You see, by the time we started dating I already knew that there wasn't another guy out there that I would rather hang out with, let alone be close to. I was not entirely sure that I was willing to be close to this one, but NOT taking the risk seemed much much worse than taking it. I'd come too far, trusted too much, let him see too much of who I was to back out at that point. So, surprise that it was to me that he actually liked me, I was cool with it. Most days :) 

The thing that no one really understands about dating before they start is that its hard. Good, but hard. I am so very very grateful for the solid basis of trust and friendship that I have with this man! Without that I would have baled rapidly. Or, in the words of my sister who knows me so well "You would have never agreed to it in the first place!" She is probably right! 

Here is the thing though. We are friends. He makes me laugh like no one I have ever known! He is calm and rock solid steady. I wouldn't even dream of pushing this guy who seems so easy going. I love that security. He's goofy and gentle and takes my family, crazy and wonderful and loud and goofy as they are, totally in stride. He even likes me when I'm sick. I have yet to figure out what in the world he sees in me! I think I mostly complicate and dramatize his life, but he assures me that he's fine with that. Somedays, I still hold my breath about it all. On those days I can count on him to remind me to simply breathe. He's great with that simply breathing stuff! Me? Not so much. I hope I'm learning! But its still pretty new and I'm still fairly certain that he is doing most of the giving and that I don't have a lot to offer right now. When the chips are down, and I'm totally freaking out about algebra or moving or some other thing thats happening in my constantly uproarious life, I can absolutely bank on him having good advice, and not giving me any kind of fluff to make me feel better in the moment. I can also count on him making me giggle. Endlessly. Even when I'm totally stressing out. All in all, this month of walking deeper into God's plan for us has been pretty crazy. Ups and downs, sometimes a day apart, sometimes thirty minutes apart. But its leveling out. I'm much more excited about this thing now than I was a month ago. I knew he was a good man then, but I'm learning all the time just how amazing he really is! For a girl who didn't think she wanted a boyfriend, well, lets just say she does now!! :)

"Your turn is coming."

Know that phrase? If your single you do! Oh how I HATED that phrase! Still do. I have vowed within my soul to never ever ever say that to any struggling single girl. I personally find it to be one of the most condescending and demeaning things anyone can say to anyone else. Know why? Cuz hunny your turn is here!!! You have every chance TODAY to live a full, happy, creative life! You are so completely amazing!! You do not need a man to make you whole or make you who you are meant to be! I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here aren't I? I tend to do that when I feel really passionately about something. 

Maybe your one of those girls who really really just wants to get married and have babies. That is an amazing calling! That role of wife and mother is one of the greatest things God can call anyone to and hunny if that is the dream He has put in your heart then by all means pray for it! Ask Him for that gift! Lift your heart to Him and seek His fulfilling of that dream. AND DO NOT SIT ON YOUR HANDS AND WAIT FOR HIM TO ANSWER YOU!! I think I can safely say from my own experiences, that living a full and productive single life does not always fill all the empty places in a girls heart. But I can say from watching my sisters and walking beside them in their journeys that being married (even to amazing men, and my brother in laws are truly truly amazing men!) does not fill all the empty places either. So live! Get a job you love, go to another country, try new kinds of food! You. Are. Valuable. You have worth and value and love and life to offer the world around you! If you don't offer yourself to the world around you, then how can you offer yourself to the man God has for you? If we do not like ourselves enough to want to know ourselves, how can we possibly expect any man to want to know us? What makes you tick? What makes you come alive? What makes you dream big dreams and work hard and do whatever it takes to succeed at it? Find those things and go do them! 

Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I speak from the standpoint of a very independent girl. God did some major overhauling in my heart to make me willing to say yes to Strider. Fortunately for Strider most of that overhauling happened before he had any clue it was happening. Or maybe God was overhauling us both at the same time. Regardless, I'v kicked and fought and screamed and cried my way into submission to God over the idea of dating. Dating Strider, mind you, is totally incredible! The man could not be more amazing or better to me!! But thats a topic for another blog :) My point is this. I know that I don't empathize with the deep heart ache that many girls feel over singlehood. But hunny I know how amazing it is to LIVE with Jesus Christ as my all! To get out of my comfort zone because HE asks me to! To care about people and to be filled in new ways by His Spirit working through them! No I am not bragging in the least! I had no part whatsoever in how God made me! But I'm inviting you to try this crazy life!! Your time is not coming, your time is here! When you say 'yes' to the crazy adventure of a passionate life with Jesus Christ, THAT is when your time comes! If you bank on Mr. Right filling you, making your dreams come true, being that Knight in Shining Armor that sweeps you off your feet and makes you life a heaven on earth, please please rethink! Even Strider, in all his incredibleness, cannot be my Savior! He cant save me from my fear or my loneliness or my stubbornness or my pride! He can be my friend, a rock in my world, a shelter from some of the emotional storms in my life, but he can never be my all! Please, let God take you crazy places! Ask Him to show you the dreams He wants you filling! Then, if He chooses to place you in the life of a great godly guy, not only will you have more to offer him, but together the two of you can be a much much more dynamic team for God! And the next time some sweet and well intentioned soul says to you "Your turn is coming" don't go home and cry in your hot chocolate over the uncertainty of that! Find someone who needs you and throw your energy into being Jesus' hands for them! 

Love Does

Love, is a verb. We think its a feeling, and maybe it can be, in its lighter forms. But love, real love, is an action verb. Love is what sends flowers to a hurting friend, its what does laundry for an overwhelmed mom, its what cooks a meal for an overworked business partner, its what sees the needs around it and fills them. Love works out in a million tiny ways. From picking a nail up from a parking lot so that no drives or steps on it, to spending money you can't spare to meet a need someone else cant fill for themselves. Love, real love, sees past bad attitudes and sloppy clothes and smelly feet to the person that is inside that shell of a body.  Love takes the time to truly listen to the hearts of others, to draw out of them what is going on inside. Love DOES. It does what Jesus would do. 

There are some things that love does not do too. Love never judges. Love never condemns. There are times when love discerns a problem or a sin issue and the guilty party feels judged, but love never judges. Love never ignores pain. Sometimes we can't help physically. Sometimes we cant give to a certain situation. Sometimes we don't have the resources to help at the moment in time when help is needed. but we can pray! Love never turns a blind eye to the hurting of another human. Love never watches quietly while an elderly person struggles with a heavy door. Love does not ignore someone who has fallen. Not physically or spiritually. Love does not hear the words "I need to talk" and walk away. Love takes the time.

Love is the face and hands and feet of Jesus Christ. If we as Christians are not Love, then how will the world see Him? Certainly not through our preaching. Definitely not through our determination that they are bound for hell. Maybe not even through our pious concern for their souls. Hurting people need Jesus. Hurting people need Love. Hurting people need Christians who just take the time to notice, and do something about it. They need friends who look them in the eye and love them. The next time you see the chance to be His hands for someone, remember this, Love Does.

Of goodbyes and steps forward...

Beside me on my computer table sits a goblet of sparkling grape juice. The Piano Guys are playing. My tummy is full of pasta made with fresh garlic, course ground black pepper, and 3 kinds of amazing aged cheese that Strider brought with him for me. Crazy what guys will do :) The house is still echoing from a weekend of being packed with people. So much happened here this weekend. We laughed and sang and played and cooked and loved. We lived. We built confidence and clarity and courage in each other. Praying happened here. There was a lot of quiet alone time spent with God in the peace of this house. The sun shone on us and it was good. Tears were shed, hearts opened, lives touched forever by togetherness. Rook games were played, won, lost. I experienced Jesus this weekend in sweet ways through the caring of my friends. This weekend was, for Jewel and I, a grand finalee. This weekend was the last time that we will pack our little house with people and bulge the walls with the music of hearts dancing together in joy and gratitude for this gift of life. We have three weeks left in this sweet little house. This house that has held us as we cried, been a haven from the world, listened to our secrets, let us lean our backs against its walls and wail when we needed to. This house that has sheltered our loved ones, accepted our guests, nourished our souls. This house that has been home. We grew here. We loved God, each other, our selves, our families, and even some people we really didn't like. Here we have spent hours praying together. We have cried tears of joy as we watched God work miracles we asked for. We have laughed here. Laughed so very much! We have read together, fought, cooked, grown. As I sit here, on this dearly beloved couch that I paid $30 for at a thrift store, I think of the 200 or so times in the last two years that I have collapsed completely exhausted into its comforting embrace for a nap. I don't want to leave it. I think of last evening, sitting here with Strider, and I smile. Maybe I do want to leave it. Maybe to move forward we must always be willing to walk away from something. I don't like to think of life with Jewel on the other side of the globe. But I don't like to think of life with Strider 1,000 miles away either. I don't like to think of leaving this beautiful little house that holds my heart. I don't want to leave my family, my sweet mama or my darling daddy, my sisters, or their babies... But to refuse to follow where God's hand is leading me... That I cannot do. I think of my church, my youth, the people I love, the place that makes up my world. I think of leaving the community that houses the 400 acres on which I grew up and my heart twists. But then I think of standing in that big open pasture with Strider and talking about fishing this summer, and I know that I could not deny myself the privilege of following God into this new adventure no matter how much I wanted to. Goodbyes are hard. Leaving a dream is hard. Leaving home... Sometimes it feels impossible. But God... The Wild Wind of His Spirit swirls around me pulling, tugging, persuading... People say "Ah! Your boyfriend is from Wisconsin, so THATS why your going there!" and I smile in my heart because I know that they are wrong. No matter how much I like him, I could not leave the safety of my world, even for the summer, for him. But the hand of God... I will follow. He is teaching me, slowly, that He is faithful and trustworthy in every moment of every day! Even when the day includes leaving the place I love and am safe. He is my safety, my security. Sometimes to prove that He lifts us out of the safety we make for ourselves and places us safely right into the middle of the storm. As I sit and look at the slightly shambled house around me my heart swells. This chapter of Jewel and I's lives has been so amazing! We prayed so hard for this house. We wanted the chance to share a house and get out on our own so badly. God gave us this opportunity and we made a great go of it! The home we have here will be forever in both our hearts. But God is writing each of our stories, and I am so very very excited to know what He has planned for the next chapter! Wisconsin and Poland are both a far far cry from Mississippi, but God has proven to us each that His plans are so very much better than ours! He is good. Life is good. And we still have a house to pack :) 

Of Twilight Magic...

"Nyna! Nyna! Nyna Nyna noon... Noon!!!... The sound of little hands smacking hard against glass well smeared from other smackings accompany his excited cries. "He wants you to see the moon" my sister informs me. I was already moving. I love this little angel boy with silky blonde hair and eyes that rival the brightest stars. I slide open the french doors and step out onto the deck. Sweeping him up I laugh at his muddy hands and his sheer joy over the presence of the 'noon'. A mix of egrets and black birds sweep across the darkening skies and for a few moments he is distracted from the moon and enchanted by the 'egds' as he says. "EEEgRetS" I emphasize, but to no avail. His two year old tongue cant reach around the word. We go back to moon gazing. I cover his eyes with my hand. "Where is the moon?" take my hand away "Peekaboo!!" he giggles hysterically, turns his face to mine, puts a hand on each of my cheeks and kisses me full on the mouth. He pats my face and lays his head against mine and all that is in me melts into a puddle. We watch the moon. His daddy sits and builds a rabbit hutch for a customer who bought a rabbit today. Occasionally he laughs at our conversation and his laughter and his work attract Angel Boy's attention and he starts bouncing in my arms exclaiming "Op op op op!!" and pointing first to what his daddy is doing and then out to the rabbit hutches in the yard. We MUST go see the 'ops'. But on the way we get distracted by the swings. So we swing. I hold his little body in my arms and we fly back and forth back and forth. My hair is falling down so I blow it out of my face. He promptly mimics the sound this makes and I burst out laughing and he laughs at me laughing and we laugh and laugh and laugh until we are drunk with laughing and don't know why we are laughing except that it is just so good to be together. Eventually I put him in his toddler swing and swing him high into the treetops. He loves this! His eyes glitter and sparkle and dance and in them I see the blue of a summer day sky and the ocean and a blue birds wing. He is so beautiful. My soul aches with the incredible beauty and perfection of this child. I want to capture every nuance of these moments. Want to hold them hard inside my heart and never lose their incredible beauty. His sister finally finishes her chores and comes to join us. "Aunt Dayna can you push me?" I want to give her an underduck but the incredible amount of mud stops me. So I push her and her little arms and legs pump hard and she flies hi and my heart twists with a moment of fear for her falling. She does not fall though. She can pump. I stand and watch this in awe. When did she get so big? Was it not only five minutes ago that she was the toddler in the swing? I go back to pushing Angel Boy. Back and forth back and forth they both fly. Big Sister and I talk and laugh and Angel Boy roars at me and I roar back. The world is perfect. For those few moments I forget finals, moving, leaving, and it is only them and me in this bubble of space. Big Sister wants me to sing. So I sing. Jesus Loves Me, The Tree Song... We get stuck there and I have to sing it over and over. The sky darkens to nearly black and still we swing and laugh and sing. In her pumping Big Sister's boots fly off one at a time and we laugh and laugh and are so delighted by their seeming jet propulsion. Finally our hungry tummies get the best of us and we head inside to eat our supper. Two pairs of muddy bare feet. One pair of tiny black rubber boots. I am reminded of what is important in life. Grades matter, friends matter, money matters. But these two, and the other twenty who are not hear in this moment but who share equal parts of my heart... THEY are what really counts in my life. May my footsteps always be slow enough that I have time to enjoy and know each of them as I walk through life! May my footsteps always be ones that they can follow safely. 

Bella...

Bella... As I write this she is running around on my shoulders and on the couch around me. Every once in a while she stops to chew frantically on the clips that hold my veil in place. She has a thing with clips. I don't know why. She also has a thing with hats/du-rags. Whenever I happen to be wearing one she loves to crawl under it and hide in my hair. Yes I know that most if not all of you are completely freaking out at this point. If you know who Bella is anyway. Bella is my pet rat. 

Let me tell you the story of how Bella came to live with us. You see, I love animals. Truth is I can't live without them. With no living creature to call mine a piece of me dies. I'v fought this reality but it remains a reality. Firm and unmoving. So I deal with it. When Jewel and I moved to this house both dogs and cats were out of the question. We couldn't have dogs outside and we didn't want one in the house. We certainly did not want a cat in the house! So a few months after moving into our new place, when it became abundantly clear that my sanity was not going to survive our severe lack of animal presence, we set out to get a hamster. Which is when we started running into snags. Evidently hamsters are notorious for biting children and being generally unfriendly and unholdable. These were problems. So we looked at mice. Same problems. We considered guinea pigs. That was a no go. I just couldn't get attached feeling. Then I met Bella. The people at the pet store had told me that rats are the best pocket pets. I dismissed this tid bit of knowledge without even considering it. I mean duh hello WHO in their right mind has a pet rat! Right? (Yes I know that some of you are hardily agreeing with this statement). But on a whim, while I was drooling over the darling hamsters that I now knew I couldn't have, I peeked into the rat pen. And there she was. Her big brown eyes looked at me from her silky dark face and her long whiskers twitched nervously. I knew. Not a doubt in my mind, that was my rat. "I want that one!" I said to the pet store worker. "Are you sure? She is a lot more timid than the others. She seems nervous. She may never tame down like the others would." But my heart was set. Now let me tell you a little secret about me. When I touch an animal, I fall in love with it. My youth group has this joke, any time they see a stray dog or cat they go "Dayna DON'T touch it!!!" But with Bella, I was in love before she ever wrapped her tiny paws around my finger. So, after much work and struggle, the pet store workers got Bella's new home assembled and got her into it. I paid the $10 dollars that she cost along with all the other fees that go with a new pet, and we headed home. I held her the whole way. She sneezed violently at me from behind the bright purple bars of her new house and I stuck my pinky finger through the bars to be sniffed. I felt like a kid again! 

Now I'v made a lot of investments in my life. Some of them have been great, some of them not so much. I'v adopted a lot of animals. I'v loved a lot of canines, felines, bovines, equines, a few fowl, a couple of lizards, and even one serpent. But the only animal I'v ever gone into a pet store and bought, is Bella. And you know what? I have never, not for one little minute, regretted that I bought her. Sure the first two or three weeks, as we learned to know and love one another, were rough. I had a lot to learn about being a pocket pet owner. But I never wished I could take her back. Never wished her out of my life. Never wished that I did not own this completely weird pet. And, truth be told, I'v never even been ashamed of owning her. Let me tell you some of the things that owning Bella has taught me and maybe you'l understand that. 

See, the thing is that owning Bella makes me even more weird than I already am. Owning Bella is like this giant sticker on me that reads "Is Not Afraid to Do as She Wishes" in huge glittering gold letters. Owning Bella puts me on the 'slightly nuts or completely crazy' pile. And guess what? I'v learned that I really like it here. There are people who truly hate Bella. They would dearly love to kill her. I get that. But she is mine and therefor no one can touch her. There are people who don't like Bella but they tolerate her because she is mine. There are people who actually like Bella. And then, there are the few and far between people who just accept her for who and what she is and enjoy her for who and what she is, and do not let the fact that she is mine affect how they view me as a person at all. These are my favorite people. These are the people I want to be like. Because you know what? Not everyone owns a pet rat. But everyone has something, lots of things probably, that is weird about them. We just hide them. We don't talk about how much we love to do the things that are not considered 'cool' or how much we enjoy hobbies our friends think are stupid, or how deeply we feel about helping homeless people. Instead we box ourselves neatly into plain brown boxes and we line our lives up carefully so that we fit. If we are brave we may paint our boxes with plaid or stripes or even hearts or stars or bubbles. But we have boxes. Except some people don't. And the people who don't have boxes generally don't expect others to have boxes either. These people are exceptionally disconcerting to the rest of us who really want to stay fit inside our boxes. They LIVE. They do what they want when they want. No not to the extent that they hurt others, but in such a way that they actually do what makes them come alive, not what other people think is cool. I met someone like that recently. I'l call him Strider. He strolled into my kitchen, walked up to Bella's pen, got down on eye level with her and said "Well, hello there Ms. Bella". I couldn't believe my ears! He is still astonishing me. :) I spent the next 3 months trying to fit him into a box. Every time I tried, the box just burst. You can't fit someone into a box when they don't care what others think of them and when they don't judge others. I kept saying to my mom "I don't know what to DO with him!" People like Strider have a way of breaking what we consider normal all to bits. Owning Bella has shown me, very clearly, the differences in people. I catch hash about Bella all the time. Some of it is all in good fun and I laugh, some of it is hurtful and makes me angry. There are people who truly are convinced that I am crazy because I have a pet rat ant THEY hate rats. Rats don't fit in their boxes and if something doesn't fit in their box it must be bad. Right? WRONG!!! God did not make rectangular shaped people. He did not create us to fit in boxes. I for one really want to do better at being like Strider. He's actually an awful lot like Jesus. I think Jesus likes Bella. I think Jesus likes when people like strange kinds of music or burnt marshmallows or playing in the rain or rearranging furniture in the middle of the night or any and all other things that we think make us weird. Jesus is out of the box. He wants out of the box children and followers. He wants followers who do not judge each other based on how we fit into our boxes. I want to be out of the box. Bella has shown me a bit more of what 'out of the box' looks like. 

So to all of you who hate my pet rat, I do apologize that you cant see the beauty in her. And I ask that you keep your opinions to yourself. Bella is mine. I love her. I'm proud of her. She is actually a very cute rat! In my books, Bella is definitely a keeper, and since she belongs to me, its only my opinion about her that matters... Oh and Strider? He's definitely a keeper too. :) 

To know Him...

I hate being sick. I really really hate being sick. Ok thats not entirely true. What is entirely true is that I hate to feel helpless. Being sick is not so bad for awhile. When you think you will be just fine the next day and you will go to work and everything will all be cool. Sometimes its even a little fun to be sick. Its nice to know people care. Its nice to have an amazing friend who does everything for you just because she's amazing that way. Its nice to have a mom who really knows exactly what to tell your friend to do for you to make you feel better. Its particularly nice to have a boyfriend who is worried about you, even if he cant really do anything to make it better. But when you have to miss work, and you have to miss school, and you know that you have bills coming and a test coming... Then being sick is not fun anymore. Thats when all of a sudden your hit smack between the eyes with the fact that there is only ONE who takes care of you. Friends, moms, boyfriends... They are awesome! Totally amazing. But bottom line, its only God that holds us each in His hands. I think sometimes that He likes to stop us dead in our tracks so that the only Thing we can see is Him before us... 

Today He is showing up all over my world. There is a gorgeous bouquet of roses sitting on my table. They were bought for me by one of God's kids, and they show His face to my heart every time I see them. There is a tiny pot on my window sill that has a tiny tiny sprout of basil growing in it. A miracle of life that ONLY God can give! Every time I look at it I am awed by the wonder of His design. Right now as I write this I am sipping a cup of hot mint tea that was prescribed to me by Dr. Big Brother and its doing exactly what he said it would, calming my stomach and making my life better. God's hand comforting me. God is in the wind that whips the trees outside (its killing me that I cant be out in that brewing storm). God is in the heart of my dear friend who took my car in to the shop today and lent me hers. God is in the gentle words of a sweet boss who gave me yet another day off work. God. All around me. So close as the whisper of wind on my face, so huge as the power of the storm, so gentle as the touch of my mom, so strong as the arms of my dad when I am afraid. So far beyond all that I can think or imagine! He defies reason, which of course is where I always get hung up at because for those of you who know me well, you know that reason is my safety net. If I cant make reason out of something its awfully hard for me to believe it to be true. But God is bigger than my reasoning. Sometimes His plan includes 3 (or more, although I pray, PRAY not) of what feels like deathly sickness. God is even big enough to move my heart to be willing to be sick if that is what it takes to know more of Him.