Today...

Today. Today was, is, a gift. I hope that I treasured it enough, lived in it enough, filled its moments with enough life to give it the meaning in history that it deserves. Tomorrow does not exist, only today. 

The today that I am considering finishing up started at 6:10 this morning when my alarm went beeping away on the antique sewing machine I use as a sort of dresser/table under my window. It is one of my favorite possessions. Being a normal humanoid, I did the normal humanoid thing and snoozed my alarm the remaining twenty minutes until I had to get up. Finally at 6:30 I convinced myself that I truly am a responsible adult and crawled out of bed to officially start my day. My first stop in the long trek from my room to the kitchen (where all the caffeine lives) included a stop in the toy room to let Keisha out of her crate. I decided that I officially do not like to sleep with a dog on my bed, even at my feet, and tucked her into her own bed last night. She did not fuss one bit and I slept much better! Yeah!! Anyway, on to the kitchen I went seeking the aforementioned caffeine! Keisha was happy to get outside and I was happy for my blessed energy water. Energy water is my new calorie free alternative to coffee. Sadly I have determined in my heart to keep that amazing sweet creamy substance for only the weekends. I'm quite proud of myself every day but quite sad about it every morning. My morning progressed about as normal. An exceedingly funny text from a friend shortly after seven had me giggling for a good many minutes, and the strawberries I got on quicksale yesterday made an AMAZING addition to my breakfast, but otherwise it was a pretty mundane morning. 

By 8:00 a.m. I was in my desk in room 114 in the Math and Science building, well fed and well caffeinated and definitely grateful for the wonderful people who I knew were praying that Algebra class would go well. Several of my dear friends texted me shortly before class to tell me they were praying and man, I needed it today! Class went very well in spite of the fact that I missed the last class period. I was very grateful! With algebra though I often leave class feeling confident, but when I sit down to do the homework later I feel rather clueless and overwhelmed! 

9:30 a.m. found me in my Personal and Public health class. Today I was truly blessed by being there! We are far enough into the semester that people are beginning to know me. They have toned down the bad language, begun to be a bit more polite, and are showing some respect for what they know I stand for. I am grateful! One thing that I never do is crowd through a doorway with a pack of people. I just am not going to get smashed in with that big crowd of boys. Usually after a few wks of me always standing back and waiting till last, one of the more polite guys will notice and stand back for me to enter. It always makes me so happy when that happens! Today was that day and it warmed my heart considerably! Chivalry is not yet dead! I know that before to terribly much longer the other guys will pick it up. More of them will start to stop in the doorway and let me through. They will start holding the door for me and acting like gentlemen. This knowledge makes me so happy! Call it whatever you like, I for one like to be a lady, like to have the opportunity to thank them for something, and like to allow them the chance to be gentlemen! 

Class was a bit short today and I got to call my sister! It was lovely to catch up with her for a bit. To dump your heart into the waiting ears of a sister is one of life's sweetest treasures! To allow your soul to uncurl a bit in the safety of one who has loved you for more time than you have existed in the world as we know it... That is a precious gift and one I never want to take lightly!! It was good to hear of her children, to get in on the funny stories, to hear a bit of her current burdens and struggles and blessings. I was happy about the chance to talk to her. 

11:00 a.m. and Choir... Ah the ruckus of Choir... There are not even words for me to describe to you what Choir is like!! Noise and chaos and craziness!!! I have so incredibly much respect for our Choir director!!! How she can take a whole gang of crazy slightly misfit kids and turn them into a beautiful, functional, music producing group of semi responsible adults is entirely beyond me!!! There is so much crazy energy and goofiness packed into that room that you can almost taste it!! 

By 12:15 p.m. I was headed to Auste Hall for my Music Appreciation class. I had some time to fill before my 1:00 class so I ate an apple and talked to Vin and somehow managed to iron out a few of the world's problems. That is always a happy thing! When I headed in to the building at about quarter till 1:00 I discovered that class was canceled and the test postponed until Thursday. Oh happy day!!! I for one did not even know a test was coming so I was really happy!! So by the time the class was supposed to start I was on the road headed home! 

Home: that blessed spot where a soul finds the sweet rest and the ease of a familiar haven! I was happy to be home! On my way in I stopped at the mailbox and what do you know? The book I have been waiting on came! I was happy :) So I fixed myself some lunch and decided I would chill for awhile before I started my homework. Thirty minutes later I switched from Facebook to Algebra and let my brain go into 'the zone'. Now I am not a nice person when I am in 'the zone'. Ask anyone who has ever had to live with me. I turn completely non communicative and virtually unresponsive. I try to avoid 'the zone' when Jewel is home. It causes us both great vexation. I stuck in 'the zone' for quite a while. Enough hours that my lunch, which consisted of sauteed mushrooms, onions, and snow peas, was no longer digestible and my belly was roaring for something to make my brain work. Somewhat annoyed with it for disturbing me I headed to the kitchen and got myself a bowl of plain greek yogurt topped with strawberries and honey.  Perfect snack. But alas, this is the point at which my afternoon took a turn. 

I decided that my brain needed a break, so I curled up with my yogurt and my new book 'just for a little'. But the book is incredible. All about the heart of God and what makes people tick. I read much longer than I intended, even ignoring a phone call from my very best friend because I was to caught up to stop just then. After awhile I put my book down and called her back. We talked and I felt guilty about homework and so we got off the phone and I did more Algebra. For awhile. Until I couldn't bear it anymore. Then I picked up the book and abandoned myself entirely to its words. The next couple of hours found me all over the place, inside and outside in various places and positions but constantly glued to my book. All evening I read and cried and read some more and absorbed its contents. 

Around 9:00 p.m. Jewel finally got home and I put my book down and explained my tears and shed a few more and listened to the words that she needed to get out of her head and heart about her day and together we figured out the pieces of brokenness that had marked each of our days. She got some supper and talked. I looked up my online assignments and grumbled about them and listened. I made a call and went outside into the pre storm wildness that is so typical of a Mississippi Spring night. 

And somewhere, in all of that living that I did today, the day slipped through my fingers and is gone and now it is after midnight, again. I promised myself that I was going to go to bed earlier this week! That I would be in bed by 10:30 each night. Well, not tonight. Tomorrow night. I will do better tomorrow night. And for now, I am going to enjoy the sweet fact that today I LIVED! 

I fell in love... Again!

I was only going to do my laundry! Just get my dresses out of the dryer and hang them up. Thats it. A completely innocent, routine task. I had absolutely no idea what was waiting for me. I opened the door and stepped outside. I started to head down the steps when a rustle in the yard stopped me. We have a lot of wild life because of living in the woods and as some of you know, I am NOT fond of opossums! They make their appearances quite frequently and I truly dislike them in SPITE of feeling sorry for them when Jewel the mighty opossum hunter finds them. Whatever it was that was rustling was coming fast. Heart hammering I darted back up the steps and was about to yank the door open to escape to the safety of my well lit kitchen when I saw him. Out of the darkness he came. No slowing down, no hesitation, and as he stepped onto my carport I fell smack into love. I felt it coming. Looked into his beautiful brown eyes and just tumbled headlong. Now this is not a new occurrence. Believe you me, my dad can tell you one dramatic horror story after another of all the times he's heard the words "But Dad!! He's so cute!!" I think that my dad is very relieved that I now live on my own and these situations are off his hands. Although he is still great about helping me deal with them when I need him to!

I do not know what it is about me that draws them. There must be something though because this happens to me all the time. Every single time it does I fall flat! I'm utterly incapable of walking away! Sometimes they are dogs, sometimes cats, sometimes birds or cows or horses or rabbits or hurt wild creatures, and sometimes (only once or twice) they are even opossums. Sometimes I keep them, sometimes I find them homes, sometimes I take them to an animal shelter, and sometimes they are hurt and need to be put out of their misery. Whatever the situation though, I always fall in love with them. Every time it happens I lose a piece of my heart and my soul grows a little bigger to hold one more memory.

This particular guy is a puppy. He is clearly part dachshund and I am guessing part beagle. He has big floppy ears and a Rottweiler type mask on his face. Most of his body is black but his legs and paws are brown like his ears and face. His stubby little legs and big feet bounce him up and down in delight when I pet him. I am guessing that he is around 6-8 months old but I could be wrong. He is absolutely darling!! Clearly he is totally used to people because he did not even hesitate about coming to me! He was thrilled with the scraps I fed him and looks like he has missed a few meals at least. His coat is very nice and he looks fairly healthy, although a bit scrawny. I am sad to announce that I cannot keep this lil guy, no matter how much I would love to! One inside dog is all I can handle. Anyone who is looking for a great little dog let me know :) If he is still around tomorrow I would love to find him a home!

I am tempted to ask if anyone knows of a cure for 'attraction to strays' but the truth is that I'v come to love these little love notes from God. All of us have things that are unique to us. Things that make us feel a bit odd, or different, or not quite normal. Sometimes it can be hard to find God in those things. Sometimes its so easy to wish that He had not made us like He did. I used to wish that He had given me 'normal' talents instead of the capacity to fall in love with every hurting creature that crossed my path. I would like to take pictures or paint or play piano or be an amazing cook! But instead I have this weird connection with animals. Over the years, and largely because I have amazing and supportive parents, I have learned that it is ok to want to rescue every animal that needs rescuing. I'v also had to learn (again, with the help of my awesome parents) that rescuing them all is simply not possible and I have to use good judgement and common sense.

So here is my point. Whatever it is that makes you come alive, that fills your heart with the happiness of knowing that you did something wonderful, do it. If God gave you a talent that other people think is weird, well then thats their problem! And if what makes your heart sing happens to be playing piano or making art or building things or cooking for others or any other of the myriad things God gives to people, then go for it! Never let your fear or your pride or your feeling weird or your lack of knowledge stand in your way! If you are waiting for permission to live your dream, even in small ways, well here it is. God does not put things in our hearts for no reason. What He put in your heart as a delight to you, also delights Him. Even adorable stray puppies. :)

Of lumpy blankets and things that are best...

The night calls to me. It is wet and cold and I have to wipe down the picnic table and bundle in my lumpy pink blanket to ward off the chill. The blanket is old. Very very old! For years and years it was my dearest wish to have a real down filled duvet and this blanket was the closest thing my parents could find that was in their price range. It worked beautifully until I got the bright idea to wash it. Then it became my lumpy pink blanket because all the fake down inside the squares of space got lumped up together in big clumps. But by then I was thoroughly attached to it and it was mine and I loved it and woe betide the person who suggested that I get rid of it. All these things flit through my brain as I lie on my back on the picnic table underneath my magic tree. Above me the night sky hangs like a soft navy blanket and as I watch it through the lace of branches I wish that it would just peel back and give me the face of my God. Tonight, as normal, it is my questions that draw me outside. The endless barrage from my own heart that drives me so often out into the night or the rain or the ocean or down the gravel road or the creek bank or all the other endless places that tug my soul because God is there. Tonight I don't even know what the question is. I just know that the one and the only way to answer it is to be still before Him in the place He is drawing me to and listen.

So, I lie on my back under all that loveliness and I listen. The lumps of my blanket make it hard to be comfortable and I wriggle around and try to get them all out from under me. As I do I think of the lovely duvet (with real down filling) that covers my bed inside. It truly is a dream come true to have such a creation. The fact that I had trouble switching from my lumpy pink blanket to the cloud-like white one that I now have the pleasure of sleeping under each night, seems laughable. Somewhere in all these thoughts, as the breeze kisses my face with the goodness of God, an answer to the question I don't know begins to take shape.

That lumpy pink blanket is so so like me. Ever so typical. I find a 'solution' that works for me. A supposedly great substitute for what I really want. Sometimes its things I'v been asking God for, telling Him I want, and am supposedly waiting on Him to give me. Sometimes it is things that I'v always done or always had and just don't want to give it up. Sometimes it is dreams that I think I have all worked out and ironed down and I just don't want Him to take away. Sometimes it is something that I want so badly that I can't even bring myself to ask Him for because He may say no. So, instead of being totally open to His plan and His best for me, I knuckle down and make do. I live awhile with my head low, slogging along doing things my way. I close that one small door of my life and give Him the clear signal that "I got this, I don't need you here" and I survive. I start missing God notes. Don't see the sunrise. Don't feel Him calling me from the rain or the ocean or the great night sky. There are a myriad of reasons that I do this. Top of my personal list is the simple fact that even though I KNOW His best is absolutely, totally and completely THE best, it often does not look like it to me. My idea of how my dreams should play out doesn't match His and so I am going to reject His awhile until I'm good and fed up with trying to make my ideas work! Another one thats high on my list is that His best is new and different and not already comfortable.  I'm not ready to give up my lumpy pink blanket because I am so attached to it. So I stuff that beautiful duvet in the top of my closet because its not what I am used to. Never realizing that I am wasting whole nights of lovely sleep because I won't let go of the familiar to accept the best! The third reason I miss out so often is that I can't in my wildest dreams imagine that He would actually give me something I want so much. So rather than holding the longings of my heart out to Him, I tuck them inside and pretend they are not there. I go on ignoring them or crying over them or talking them over with friends, but never offering them to Him as a request.

How silly. How utterly childish and untrusting. But I do them all. Tonight, as the breath of God danced like breeze fairies among the branches of my magic tree, I felt His whisper in my heart. His voice calling me to trust. To let go of what is old, to ask Him for the deepest desires of my heart, and to trust Him that His plans and dreams for me FAR exceed anything I could ever cook up in my own finite little mind. I hope that I am growing. Hope that I am learning to trust Him, this great and loving and oh so gentle God that I serve and love. Times like tonight I am so grateful for His patience with me! Grateful that He is willing to win my trust. Grateful that He loves me, even though I cannot imagine why! And I am grateful that He gives me these reminders, even when they come through my lumpy pink blanket.

The Non-existent Answer

Sometimes, when all of life is crashing around me like the roaring waves of the ocean, I wish so much that I could just slip up to heaven and see the world from God's perspective. I wish I could crawl inside His mind and understand why He is Who He is and why He allows what He does! Why does He let the atrocities happen that do? Why are little children hurt, smashed, battered, destroyed? When something unfair happens to an adult it is so much easier to accept, at least to me it is. But children? Ones so innocent? Ones so impressionable? Ones who will live their lives with the 'knowledge' that whatever it is that has happened to them was actually their fault? Sometimes I want to just shake God and scream in His face about it. Perhaps no one else deals with this but I'm fairly certain that others feel it too. I want to know how He expects people to believe that He truly loves them when He allows such terrible things to happen to them. I know the 'free choice' argument. I'v used it myself. But when it comes down to the very wire of it none of those reasons make a difference. When faced with a shattered individual who has no moorings to stand on... What do you say? When you hold a child sobbing and broken and wracked with a pain so deep that there are simply no words... What do you say? Sometimes I get so frustrated with our 'all roses' mentality. Life simply is NOT all roses. There is pain out there that some of us have never even DREAMT of dealing with! Some of us are living every day with a wound so deep that our whole lives are built around it, but nobody talks about it because we are 'good Christians' and we know that God is love and He loves us and so it shouldn't hurt right? And all those poor people who are hurting so bad, if they just had God in their lives they would be so much better off. Very true statement. They would be better off, because God is a Healer! He is the Comforter! He is all wise and all knowing and all seeing!!

But, "what person perceives (knows and understands) what passes through a man's thoughts except the man's own spirit within him? Just so, no one discerns (comes to know and comprehend) the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God." 1 Cor 2:11. In my crying to Him about this, God brought this verse to me and as I read it and let it soak into my brain and heart, a new fact slowly began to dawn on me. Maybe I will never understand. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe I can't look long enough, beg hard enough, or wail loud enough to make God give me an answer to this cry. Perhaps instead I truly do simply have to accept it. Accept that people hurt each other. Accept that He allows children to be abused and neglected and STILL loves them. Accept that His heart breaks and cries when they hurt. Accept that as long as this earth stands, evil will continue, even to the innocent. Maybe instead of looking so hard for an answer to this question, I have to look for Who He is. The parts of Himself that He DOES reveal. Scripture is full of His goodness, His love, His gentle care for us. It is also full of His wrath, His judgement, His unending justice! God is merciful, and jealous. He is love, and punishment. He is gentle persuasion, and quick wrath.

I think I found my answer, but it may take me a very long time to truly accept it. My answer is that there is no direct answer. And yet there is. Perhaps it does really come back to the issue of free choice. For those of us who live our lives so oblivious to the hurting around us, we must choose to not have words. To not have answers. To listen and hold and comfort and not try to fix. To show love no matter what we may feel in our humanness. To be the gentle hands of Jesus, holding, wiping tears, making food, healing. And for those of us living with the deep scars of long buried hurts, perhaps instead of asking God "WHY??" we must instead learn to grieve. Learn to cry out our pain. To allow the memories to hurt and to ask Him to heal them. Maybe there is really no way through the hurt except to simply walk through it. It does come down to a choice on our part. We can choose to let it hurt, and let Him heal, or we can choose to lock it down, tuck it away, not let it be touched, and thereby allow it to control our whole lives and the lives of generations to come.

In the non existence of an answer, I found my answer. I must learn to know Him. To know His heart toward me, and toward every war torn, poverty stricken, sin scared child He created. He does not take away the freedom of others to hurt the innocent. But He offers His love and grace and peace to the innocent. And He heals. He heals when we choose Him. When we choose openness. When we choose freedom and light over darkness and pain.

Visitor...

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, looking out the window and eating a bowl of Greek yogurt topped with raw honey when I saw her. She came tip toeing out of the woods and picked her way daintily across the wet and still slightly snowy yard. I had been seriously considering going back to bed for the third time, but with her appearance that thought vanished. I felt the smile coming before it ever hit my mouth. Her jet black coat glistened in the sun, and her golden eyes glittered warily.  I watched her, but only for a moment. I could not force myself to stand quietly when maybe, just maybe, she would let me touch her. Maybe just maybe she would share a tiny piece of that beauty with me. Let me feel it under my fingers. Maybe she would be my new friend. I knew I couldn't miss the chance that the maybe's would be true! I grabbed a blanket off the couch, stuck my feet into my bright purple crocs, told Keisha to stay quiet, and headed out the door to try out my cat charming skills. Nothing doing! In a moment she was gone, back into the woods from whence she had come. I stood on the carport and sighed sadly... Not for long though. The breeze came and kissed my face and lifted my hair. The melting snow dripping from the roof and trees created an orchestra around me. The woods called to me and I headed across the yard to visit with them. I crossed her path half way to there and followed it to the edge of the woods. Her tiny paw prints, my large croc prints. Two creatures, so different, but created by the same God. The woods seemed oddly bare and clear. Somehow the snow seemed to have cleaned the lower branches and I could see much further than normal. Beauty all around me... The sunshine, so so lovely! Its been a long time since I got to see its lovely face, so I drank in its beauty and let it reflect God's heart into mine. Sweetness glittered across the ground at my feet, music filled the air. Somewhere in the woods I am sure the cat sat and watched me, probably laughing at this crazy human. I want to be like her. I want to draw people out to meet God. I want to turn eyes to the Creator, to help others to see His beauty and magnificence!!! I want to present the busy world around me with the opportunity to step outside of their dark, dingy existence and meet God in all His glory, splendor and radiance!

To Hope...

"As long as there is life, there is hope." How many many times I've heard that quoted. A soul who needs Jesus, a childless couple, a family waiting anxiously in the ICU waiting room, a single person who wants companionship, a disease that seems unstoppable, a hurting person caught in a marriage with a cheating spouse, a child longing to be truly seen by his father... The list could go on and on and on. All the desperate times and feelings that make us yearn inside for something better. That make us want and fear so much to hope. So many times we hug each other and we say "I'm praying for you, don't give up hope." Is anyone else a little cynical about this hope thing? Maybe I'm alone in this but I for one get sick and tired of hoping for things that never seem to change. Some of the things I hope for now I'v been hoping for since I was two years old. And you know what? It still aint happened. Lately I'v been grappling with this whole thing of hope. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like there is hope. Sometimes the disease or the bills or the wounds or the relationship issues just pile up over our heads and there is not a light at the end of the tunnel. What then?

Today God and I really had it out over this issue. Its not the first time and today I was really desperate for an answer and I guess because my heart was open and I truly wanted His answer no matter what, He gave me one. I will do my level best to share it with you how He shared it with me.

So often when I hope for something thats as deep as it goes. I hope for someone to be saved and therefore I pray for it. Begging God to let happen what I want to happen. I hope and pray for healing, for a miracle in a relationship that is broken, for a classmate to see Jesus in me, for a teacher to be able to reach her students. But I forget that what I must hope in is God. To hope FOR His blessings and His working is, I believe, entirely different than to hope IN Him!!! When I hope that He will heal that person so close to my heart and instead I am forced to watch them crumble slowly to a cruel disease I am utterly disappointed in God. I am shattered that He does not care or hear my prayers or understand my heart. But if I hope IN Him and lay my needs before Him, trusting fully in His goodness and planting my hope in the solid knowledge that HI IS GOOD, then I can trust fully that no matter how He answers my cries, it is truly best. If my hope is grounded in Him and not in His answering my prayers then I will never be disappointed in Him. Will the road be rough sometimes? Yes. Will I still cry over beauty and innocence lost? Yes. Will I still question Him and beg Him for answers to my 'whys'? Yes I believe so. But if HE is my constant hope then I will truly never lose hope.

To hope in Him regardless what He chooses to give me is so vulnerable. It feels so much safer if I can control what He gives me by my prayers. To willingly lay down my hope for Him to give me the 'right' answer and instead pick up a hope that is solely based on His goodness... That is hard. It is hard for me at any rate. Perhaps for some of you this is not a struggle and if that is the case I would love to hear your thoughts on it! For me though, and I suspect for many, being ok with being completely vulnerable and out of control in our own lives is tough. It takes a very real relationship with the Father in order to know His heart and know its goodness towards us.

I want to hope in Him. Want to have this nailed down and all covered but the truth is I don't. I get angry when He gives me something I don't want or when He doesn't give me what I think at the time will make me so happy. But He is so good and patient with me! He always shows me, gently and with great care, how true it is that "My ways are not your ways, neither are My thoughts your thoughts."

What My Vacation Taught Me

A week ago today I woke up in a tiny condo on the beach, somewhere in Galveston TX. Before my eyes even opened there were tears in them. Somehow that morning the weight of my world at home came crashing down on me with a vengeance! Vacation was almost over and all the responsibility that I had slipped out from under for 6 sweet days landed smack on my head like a ton of bricks. Pushing back tears I went and made coffee and, since I was only the second one up, took the opportunity to go sit on the balcony with my Bible. The familiar weight of it in my hands, the music of the ocean, and the caffeine of the coffee in my cup lifted my spirits somewhat. All that day though the cloud hung over me. I spent time by the ocean, letting its waves splash over my head, laughing at its dancing droplets on the rocks, and begging its Maker to show me His way through. Finally, after a whole day of being blue,  I cried all over my very dear and patient brother. Tears are always a good thing when one is very stressed and that time was no exception. Those tears planted a seed in my head.

That seed grew. Driving home from dropping everyone off in Birmingham it grew. Crawling out of bed early the next morning to face my first day back at school, it grew. Walking and talking with God that evening it grew.  It grew until it became very clear to me what exactly it was He had planted in my heart through my vacation.

You see, I spent a whole week not worrying about anything. For a whole week I just went along with what was planned. We had so much fun!! Great restaurants, long talks, great laughs, amazing experiences that I'd wanted to do for yrs. It was simply amazing!! For a whole wk I didn't worry about a thing and because the decisions were not in my hands, it was entirely perfect! I would not have changed any of it, and it was SO much better than if I had been in charge.

I realized, upon coming home, that THAT is what God wants my life to be like ALL the time. He has exactly the perfect things planned. He knows EXACTLY what I need and when. His ways are not only better than mine, but they are perfect! He absolutely WILL take care of me. His grace and mercy are new every single morning and His power is always sufficient. What all of that means is that I don't have to be strong. I don't have to be able to handle everything. I don't have to cover every base and fill every roll. Novel idea for one so used to keeping her life well structured.

So I'm learning. Learning to live without the walls that have always kept me strong. Learning to say "I can't handle that." Learning even to quite a job I should have let go of MoNtHs ago and just couldn't. It is absolutely incredible to find that when I let something go, He has it covered. Always. Living utterly vulnerable to Him and His mercies is scary. It means letting go, not only of the weight of responsibility and pressure, but also of the things that I'v held dear as reasons to keep up walls. Scary? Yes. Until I look into the eyes of the One who's love truly is beyond measure.

A thought bubble burst...

"Please... leave a... message. My name is Nettie... Schrock." Her voice rolls over me like a warm ocean wave and the tears hit me right in the back of the throat. In an instant my brain and heart are alive with memories. I was expecting to hear my mama's voice, not hers'. I close my phone and try mom's cell. "Hey Babe" I smile. Mom's voice is so like grandma's and for a second I revel in the sweetness that is mine because of these two wonderful women. "Hey mom! How is grandma?" I listen as mom gives me the reports from the hospital. At least tonight she does not tease me about the "nice young man who was grandma's nurse this evening.  He is just your age, and taller than you!" I'm grateful for that, although I prefer it to the not totally good report she has for me. As she talks the memories slide through my head like electric eels in an aquarium tank. Memories sweeter than most anything I'v known throughout my entire 24 yrs. That trip grandma and I took to M.O. when I was a teenager and they had such a bad snow storm... She told me on that trip "Sometimes you do things to make others happy. That doesn't always mean your not being true to yourself, it can just mean your being a peace maker." She taught (or tried to teach) me how to drive in snow on that trip. There are the myriad times we'v sat up late together, playing games or talking. All the hugs, her gentle hand on mine, the way the light plays in her beautiful white hair... All the times she has cooked for me when I stopped in for the night on my way somewhere. The times she has hosted my friends when they needed her. The times she has looked at me and known my heart even when I didn't know it myself. There is the Maple Cookies she always buys when I am coming, and always sends with me when I leave. All the times she has teased me about  someone she considers to be perfect for me (in spite of the fact that he is only about 23 yrs older than I am... Silly Grandma) and her laugh... How I LOVE her laugh! I love when she chuckles that little "Humph" sound way down deep in her chest. Love when she laughs until she cries. Love when she laughs at herself, at Fritz, at a grandchild, and most of all when she laughs at me. I love that she, and mostly only she, understands about drinking Basic H water and throwing up bubbles. She totally gets it that I tried to cook and eat horse feed because it smells good and is cheap. She giggles over every blonde or stupid thing I do and she always has a story to match it! I love her. I love to see her, know her, and know that a part of her lives in me.

A Call to Arms

She is pretty small. Not all that cute. Her hair is not always neat but her manners are impeccable. The other kids think she is stupid because she doesn't talk. The teachers think she is slow because she doesn't respond in class. She gets frustrated a lot and doesn't finish her work. 

He is only fifteen but already deep into the heart of the gang. Hard rock pours out of his earbuds and into his head constantly. He's failing every class, mostly because he almost never goes to school. The only think keeping him out of Juvy is his old man's money... And connections. 

She is cold. Controlled. Always steady on her feet. No one gets close to her. No one sees behind her walls. She makes good money. Honest money. She's a fighter. She lives inside the perimeters that she has set up for herself. 

He is desperate, broken, shattered, sick in his soul and dying inside. His child is missing. Has been for three weeks now. He fell asleep in the hammock one afternoon while she played in the sand box close to him. When he woke up she was gone. He lives in a decent neighborhood. No one saw anything out of the ordinary... Except that one sleek car, black maybe? Nobody can remember. It wasn't a big deal... Until it was. He has done his research, knows the stats, and will never forgive himself for his carelessness with the most precious thing he's ever been granted by the One he thought loved him the most. 

So what exactly do all of these people have in common? Well a few things for sure. They are all a bit looked down on. The slightly stupid child, the rebellious druggy teen, the cold woman, the irresponsible dad. There is really not a lot about any of them that we want to pity. The child should learn to speak up, have some confidence! You're smart enough after all. The teenager should be taught a lesson! Shape up kid its a tough world and you gotta be a man! The cold woman should learn to live a little, laugh, have some fun, not be so selfish, so driven! And the irresponsible dad? Well he should have known better. Should have watched more closely. After all what kind of dad lets his kid just run off while he sleeps? She probably found her way to the river and drowned after all. 

But what if what they have in common is actually something much much deeper? What if each of them is actually living in a private hell created by the demons that disguise themselves in flesh and prey on the weak and the beautiful of the world? What if each of these people is the living shell of what they could have, would have, should have been. IF they, or their child, had never been touched. Never been seen. Never been desired as no child should be. 

We live in a hurting world. A world where people use abuse and destroy each other on a regular basis. A world where too many children get what they want, as long as they give what is required. Hard stuff? Outside the neat boxes we want to keep our world in? Yes definitely! But truth none the less. 

So what is my point? Well actually I have a few of them. 1) Walk gently, speak gently, and live out the love of the One who DIED to grant freedom to us all. Freedom from our sins, and freedom from the sins of others. 2) Never assume. A bad attitude, a nasty comment, a rude look. Maybe they are having a bad day? Or maybe they are desperately seeking protection in the only way they know. Don't just go with "Oh my goodness that woman was so RUDE did you see what she did to me??" because bottom line, you have the chance to be the face of Jesus to her, regardless of her motives! 3) PRAY!!!!! We are not powerless!!! Anything but!! You think you can't pray if you don't know names or faces?? Think again! You can pray for the salvation of the abusers. Whoever and wherever they may be. You can pray for the healing of the victims. You can pray for the protection of the children. Yours, your family's, your friend's, and those that belong to all the strangers and fellow human beings around the world. "The fervent effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth MUCH."  Hunny let me just tell you, if you are living close to God, if your heart is washed pure by the blood of Jesus Christ, if you are willing to consistently invest time praying for these dear souls or anyone else, you have the power to change the world!! God can and will do the things you ask Him for when it lines up with His will! 

I realize this is a hard subject but I do not apologize. The whispers in my niche are not always pleasant and for that I am grateful! If they were I would never see the needs around me! My challenge to you is to research this, and or any other hard subject that interests you and affects our world. Read some stats. Listen to some testimonials. Allow yourself to be informed. My prayer right this minute is that each of us will feel the burden of this horror and that our eyes will be open to the ways that we can be the sweet gentle hands and eyes of Jesus Christ in the blackness around us.  

Catch that note...

I didn't write the words that follow, it is a story that I found. But God used it to whisper into my soul. You see tonight I did something very very hard. Something my family has wanted me to do for a LONG time! Why did I do it? Because I need more time to hear and see the beauty God pours on my life. More time to study, to connect with my friends, and to BE ALIVE! So for me this story is a confirmation that I made the right choice. Enjoy :) 

“A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people.

The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?”

The Reason Behind It.

God and I took a long long walk today. We talked and I cried. Nothing new about that. But today the main thing I wanted to fuss to Him about was not knowing exactly what He wants from me right now. Silly thing for one so busy to say huh? But none the less it is true. We had walked for a long ways and I was within a quarter mile of my car when it came. The whisper... Strait from God's heart to mine. "I want you to share Me with the world as I share Myself with you". So maybe to you that doesn't sound like anything new. I mean after all is that not what each and every follower of Jesus Christ strives to do? But in my soul I new His meaning was deeper than the 'normal sharing' that we think of. I nearly fell over flat right there in the middle of that rocky dirt road. Share HIM the way He shows Himself to me??? The idea utterly flabbergasted me.

This world is full of beauty. In every single thing that He created, God shows a portion of Himself. His light, His humor, His grace, His creativity, His love, His freedom. There are a zillion pieces of Him plastered around us all in a million different shades! Seeing Him in every moment though... That is not something everyone does naturally. It is my prayer that through this blog, and through my life, I can help the world to see Him around them. To See His attributes splashed across their lives in all the myriad ways He wants to show Himself. I hope that I can share here the whispers He whispers to my heart. The whispers I hear from my niche in His heart.