A Lesson From Keisha

I like my dog. Really I do. Sometimes she drives me crazy. Sometimes I think she is adorable! I would rather be with her than be alone but still sometimes I think about the days before her when the house stayed clean and... Ok scrap that. A dirty house is worth it. But back to what I was saying. I like her. Truly I do. But I don't really love her, not yet. Which I think is why God has used her to teach me some valuable lessons lately. Yesterday's is the strongest and most vivid example so far. We were out walking and she had stopped in the weeds along the road to sniff and snurf and do whatever it is that dogs do beside the road when they are on long walks with their people. Now you must understand that walks are my unwind tool. I walk and talk and cry and process and generally pour out my whole heart to God, be that good, bad, or otherwise at that particular moment. So yesterday was no exception and at the moment of this incident I was asking Him loudly if He even cares or hears me or knows when I am sad. I got tired of waiting on Keisha so after a few moments I tugged her back onto the road and started walking again. But something was not right. She frantically bit and clawed at her right foot. She was so preoccupied with whatever it was that was paining her that she could not walk on until it was taken care of. Now you must understand that I am not a super good dog owner. I get mad at my dog. She makes me crazy sometimes! When I come home to find the trash can dumped or some food item drug out of the pantry or something dumped over on the table or the butter dish licked clean, I have a hard time not loosing my cool. But in that moment, frail imperfect human that I am, my dog's discomfort mattered to me. So I got down on my knees in the middle of the road and examined her foot until I found the offending ant that was biting her and picked it out of her fur and smashed it. As I stood up to walk on God's Spirit breathed in my heart "And you think that I care less for you than you do for your dog?" My soul was smitten! Of course not! Of course God cares more, hears more, sees more, loves me more. No, it does not always feel that way. But you know in the dead of night it really doesn't feel like the sun is shining either. Does that change the fact that it is warming the earth and keeping it in steady orbit? No. It just means that for a time it is hidden from our view. As I walked and thought about it I realized that that one small ant bite was really a tiny thing in the scheme of Keisha's whole life. I knew that. I could see that. But you know in that moment, in her hurting and intense discomfort, she did not know that in only a few seconds I could fix it and she would be fine. It was all-consuming to her. She could not see beyond it. How many many times am I like that? I look back at my life, at the dark dark times. God was there. The heartaches, heartbreaks, broken relationships, stolen dreams, diseases... The list goes on. God was there. Now, on this side of them, I know it all turned out ok and God was there and loved me and carried me when I could not walk. I know this. But still I forget. I forget and I wail at Him and shout at Him and sometimes He lets that ant keep biting me for what feels like an eternity because that is when I cry to Him, lean on Him, grow in Him the most. He is a gentle, patient, loving God. He cares for me and carries me and speaks to me through things as humble and amazing as my dog... I want to say that I won't forget again, won't doubt His love and goodness and caring. But you know as well as I do that that is not the case. I am oh so very human and I will have times in my life (well ok lets be honest here, its already happened since yesterday) that it just feels impossible that God is actually listening when I talk to Him or cares if indeed He does hear. I am so grateful for His faithful, gentle presence and love! He is so sweet and kind about dealing with the 'ants' in my life. 

Biometrics and Jesus

So today is one of 'those' Saturdays. Its a crash course in online homework because I didn't get a blessed bit of anything but algebra done during the week. That means its a day steeped in Child Psych, Western Civ, and my very very LEAST favorite subject of all time, Computer Fundamentals. The other two are ok and I actually rather enjoy some parts of them. But this computer class... Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm one of those 'dinosaurs' who still uses a regular cell phone simply because she HaTeS trying to get used to new technology. SO... I rather dislike the class. Today though I have to face and deal with it. I had an assignment this week to write on one of a longish list of options, fortunately for me, biometrics was on that list. Biometrics has just enough of a medicalish feel to it that I can get interested in it. I was rather intrigued by the time I finished and my head was slap full of other ways that the principals of it apply to life, so I decided to share it.

Biometrics

Biometrics is defined as the technology of authenticating a person's identity by verifying a personal characteristic. The devices which employ this technology take one specific characteristic of an individual and use a stored replica of it to identify that person. There are devices that recognize finger

prints, eyes, faces, voices, and even behavior characteristics such as gate or typing pattern.Lets look at a few of these devices and how they are used. The most widely used biometric

device today is the fingerprint reader. This is a small device which captures the details of a fingerprint.These tiny devices connect to computers or notebooks and are used to grant access to authorized users.It is the same idea as a user name and password only more secure. A device frequently used by businesses to secure resource rooms is a face recognition system. Images stored in the system are used to identify the people seeking entrance to a room and only those who are already in the system are

allowed in. A voice verification system compares a persons live spoken words with what it has stored and evaluates tones and patterns of speech to identify the person. Many companies also use this technology for access to sensitive files and networks. Signature verification systems use a specialized pen and tablet to identify the shape of a handwritten signature. They also measure the pressure and speed someone uses to write their signature which helps to ensure that it is indeed the same person

writing their own signature. Again, these systems are used to provide access for authorized users.Some of the most fascinating inventions in this field are the iris recognition system and the retinal scanner. These devices are used to read patterns in a person's eye. The retina scanner actually scans patterns of blood vessels in the back of the retina! The iris recognition system reads patterns in the iris of the eye to identify someone. Iris and retina identification systems are used primarily in very high

security settings.

I find biometrics to be a thoroughly fascinating subject because it is so detailed and intricate.Stealing a simple password is difficult enough, but it is impossible to reconstruct your fingerprints, eyes, face, or voice to match that of another human being. No two people are identical and this technology uses that fact to increase security and help ensure the safety of all of us.

As I researched and wrote about this subject this niggling idea kept rolling around the periphery of my skull. As I thought it out I realized that it is actually a very profound idea. (Well, it feels profound to me) I think that biometrics has a lot to teach us about how we as humans work and maybe how God works too. 

What is the one thing that most of us have that we protect the most fiercely? Pain. Maybe its a new hurt. A cutting remark made by someone close to us. Maybe its some deep wound or age old sorrow. Maybe its a lack we have in our lives, a loneliness or longing. Maybe its lies that we believe about who we are or are not because of a relationship gone bad. Whatever our deepest pain may be, humans mostly deal with them the same. We lock them up tight in our hearts and set up intricate security systems so that they are completely unreachable to the majority of the world around us. Generally it takes a great deal of authorization and red tape for anyone to get into that place and know our secrets. The process often takes months or years and most people don't have that kind of love and patience so the process gets started and broken off again and again and each time that happens we make it a bit more secure and we go on living with that locked up room inside ourselves. But there is One. There is One who our security systems can not foil. One who our internal biometric technology recognizes and Who is allowed in whether we know Him or not. There is One who knows every heart, every secret, every silent scream. We still have the control over whether He will be allowed to change, heal, help that hurt. But we have no say so over whether or not He knows our secrets and hurts. He simply does. He was there when it happened and He is hard wired in. This fact is both comforting and terrifying. It is also challenging because it means that we, as children and followers of Jesus Christ, have access to that knowing. Because He lives in us, we should have His eyes, His touch, His voice, His signature. He should flow out of us to the world around us. Do you ever see someone and your heart catches inside you and you feel a deep stab of sorrow for them? Did you ever consider that maybe that is the Spirit of God wanting to use you to get past that person's security system? How much healing, how much peace, could we bring to the world around us if we just USED what He gives us. If we let Him heal the broken places in us so that we could know His healing power and know the amazing gift that we have to offer the hurting around us... Jesus never tires of loving us. He never gives up. He never is just done being our Friend or being with us. Can we love like that? Give like that? Through His power, yes. And through His power we can affect lives.

Another place that can only be accessed by Jesus is heaven. "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. NO MAN cometh unto the Father but by Me." There is no other way. When we stand before God on Judgement day, He will not judge us based on who we are or what we did or how often we went to church. He will judge us based on whether it is us He sees, or His Son in us. Everything we do, every moment of our days, all that we are, should be under the control of Jesus. When we stand before God, if we have not lived looking at the world through Jesus' eyes, touching the world with Jesus's hands, speaking to those around us with Jesus' voice... On our own we are not ok. That is why Christ died. He died to give us life, to give us the capacity to lead others to the life that He offers, and to give us life forever with Him. When He looks into your eyes, when you lay your hand in His, when you speak His name, will He recognize the eyes, hands, and voice of Jesus Christ? There is no pretending then. We can fool others, we can live an entire life looking and acting like those around us think we should. But we can never fool God. Not today, not tomorrow, and not when we face Him on judgement day. 

Hunting Magic

We went for a walk this evening, my faithful (that is code for spoiled rotten and completely bad) dog Keisha and I. Us going for a walk is nothing new, we LOVE to go for walks! But today, well today was a different kind of walk because today it was raining. Raining raining raining. Its cold too. Cold and raining. But here is the totally crazy thing about my totally crazy dog and her totally crazy mistress. We love rain. Both of us. We crazy ones are flat crazy about rain!! A summer rain falling gently from balmy skies on a hot afternoon, a spring downpour falling so hard it makes tiny puddles in the mud when it hits, an icy drizzle along the sea coast... It doesn't matter. If it is raining, I want to be in it. And lucky me I got this dog and here she loves rain too. Imagine that. So today I said to myself I said "Dayna, you do NOT need to go out in the rain! Its cold and almost dark and the last thing any sane person would do is go out there on a lonely deserted gravel road and go walking!" So I put on my shoes and a sweatshirt and raincoat, got the leash and headed out. And it was magic. Pure sweet magic. Cold and wet with big heavy drops that splashed on my face like melted FudgeSickles. The mud in the road slogged under my feet and I giggled at Keisha as she dashed delightedly all around, running through puddles, leaping over ditches, hopping along in the wet weeds. She is a nut case, that dog. Rain and Chocolate, just like me. Its easier to keep her out of the rain than the chocolate unfortunately! You see, the thing about this day is that it needed magic. It was a good day. A lot of things made it good. One of my best friends who I have missed dreadfully came home from a week in a foreign country today. Algebra class was good today and I left it feeling happy. My Personal and Public Health class got canceled today which was lovely. I had a test in Music Appreciation which I totally forgot about but still did well on. I got to talk to two of my best friends on the phone. Lots and lots of happy things happened today. But today needed magic. It needed those special "only God can do this" moments in it. I don't like days with no magic, so Keisha and I went looking for it and we found it. We didn't go far today, we didn't even walk a mile total. As we headed back towards home I started noticing my shoe prints in the mud. 

I walked and I thought about those prints. I came to this conclusion. I think that magic only leaves its tracks in our hearts when we hunt it. Magic is around us all the time, but mostly we miss it. As that quote I love so much says "There is beauty in everything, but only those who look for it see it." Its so true!! There is so much glory and majesty in the world around us!!! But folks, we have to look for it. We have to see it! And its not the same for everyone. Most people would not go out at ten after five on a cold winter's evening to walk in the rain because thats not whats magical to most people. But to me, there is almost nothing with more magic potential. Every life needs magic. Every life needs the spark that comes only from those "Wow God! You are SO incredible!" moments. Its not easy to find magic most of the time because satan distracts us with the mundane, the busy, the every day. But its possible! 

And ah the joy... The alive feeling of rain dripping off your hair, of wet clothes sticking cold to your skin, of your dog cold and muddy and smelling gross dancing down the road in front of you... Doesn't sound like magic to you? No probably not because its not what God planted in your heart. But you need to find what He did plant there. Find it and pursue it and see Him in it because those little glimpses of Him... They rock us to our core like the rolling thunder rocks my little house on this February night. 

Keisha and I, cold, wet, and muddy... But happy.

Some Ramblings...

You are in, blue skies, the soft wrinkled cheek of my sweet grandma, the silky fur of my drive-me-crazy dog, the ground beneath my feet as I amble through the woods or walk my favorite gravel road, the breeze on my face, the wild wind of a tropical storm, the rough edges of a sea shell in my hand, the arms of a child wrapped around my neck, the voice of my mama reminding me its all going to be ok.

You oh God are the Beauty in the world. 

You are light and grace and peace, 

Father God rain down on me! 

Fill my soul, with freedom from Your hand,

 Show me Lord, the good of the land.

 I want to be, Your hands and Feet,

 I long to simply shine!! 

Oh God I know all things are possible,

If I am Yours, and You are mine. 

Can any man possess You Lord,

Can any truly grasp,

The glory of your mighty name,

The Beauty that will never fade? 

I recently realized, much to my shame, that I did not truly believe that God would be faithful to give me what is best for me. I think in the back of my mind I have always known that that was an issue but its one I was able to avoid pretty easily by saying the right things and acting like I believed them. Problem is that only lasts so long and this past week my time ran out. So, I did the only thing I knew to do and took a bit of a break from life and spent some intense time seeking Him. I cried. I wailed. I prayed. I talked. And finally, I asked. It took me a while to get around to simply asking Him to teach me His heart towards me. When I finally did, I was amazed. 

He met me in so many places this week.

I asked Him to open my eyes and show me the ways that He loves me. He did. So tenderly, so sweetly, so gently. In the clear blue of the sky, in the soft moss on my magic tree, in the clean scent of my laundry detergent. He gave me His love through the beauty of a bouquet of flowers bought by my best friend and delivered late Valentines night. He wiped my tears and held me while I cried. He used the hands and arms of my friend. He spoke to the deepest places of my heart in a language I clearly understood when a sister/friend said to me "God's heart towards you is like your's toward a child that you love deeply. He hears every cry and longs to give you comfort and anything that you need to be happy and fulfilled, but He loves you too much to give you what you want if it will hurt you." He was the Wind that brushed the hair away from my face and dried my tears and He was the Sunshine that warmed me and soaked into my skin and clear to my soul. He was in the heart of love that prompted my sister to take time out of her life to bring me a teddy bear, chocolates, and hugs. He gave me verses and chapters and books of Himself and I gobbled them up "like some good BBQ" as one of my friends would say. Every where I turned He met me. He was all over the place for me! He sent me a new friend at school that makes me laugh, cheers me up, prays for me, and randomly texts me just to say hi. 

I learned to know Him in a way that I have never before known Him. I learned that He is GOOD. I learned that His love for me is over above and beyond my wildest dreams. I learned that He WANTS me. He created me because He wanted to. Not because He needed me, not because my family needed me, not because the world needed me. He created me because He wanted to. Because He had a great idea and He made it happen and it was me and He pronounced it good. I learned about myself too. I learned that I judge Him based on my life experiences rather than dealing with my life experiences in light of His character. I learned that He is truly, truly always there and He wants to hear every detail of my life and heart no matter how 'bad' I may consider them to be. God is good. I would not want to go back through the past week. I would not want to grapple with this issue again! But I am grateful that He brought me to it, and through it. I am all the more thankful for the Sunshine in my heart now than I was before. Amen. :) 

Home...

Today was a strange day for many reasons. School just didn't keep my interest so once I was done with Choir I headed home, picked Keisha up, and went Daffodil picking. Keisha was super happy with that arrangement! She loves to ride.

 I never meant to go 'home'. It was not in my plans at all. I intended to go pick Daffodils, deliver them, and then go do homework. But I turned onto 388 and I felt that shift inside me and I knew it was time for a trip 'home'. As I turned on to that road that is still so familiar, the wheels in my brain were spinning faster than the wheels on my car. So many many memories! A few that flew through my mind were the time my sister and I decided that we COULD push her broken down car the 1.5 miles to the house! Never mind that it was the dead of winter and late at night and full moon!! We didn't make it all the way, but we sure made memories. Or the time that I tied my dog to my handle bars and went for a bike ride before school to try and dry my wet hair. I must have been about eight I'd guess. The dog decided that the ditch was better than the road and I ended up with a hamburger looking knee that put me on crutches for three weeks. I still have a nasty scar on that knee. Or the time that my brother told me he would pay me twenty dollars if I would run to the bridge and back every morning before school for a whole month. I didn't make the twenty dollars but I did learn that I loved to run. 

As I walked in the lane at 'home' more memories flooded my mind and I could not help but smile. There was a time that I was deathly afraid of the cows because I was convinced they wanted to bite my toes off. I was always always barefoot so maybe that was an argument a well meaning sibling used to try and keep boots on my feet in the winter. Anyway, I have a very vivid memory of being sent to the mailbox one day while the family was putting up corn in the yard. I stood at the head of that driveway and wailed because I was so afraid to walk down the lane past the cows. My second oldest sister, in a rare act of mercy, came and walked with me to retrieve the mail. 

Today I walked in the lane, found the walk way, and headed up to the porch. Snow drops are still growing down among the overgrowth. I remember helping my mama plant them. The old wood stove is still there. Rusted and falling apart but still so beautiful! I remember when they came and put it in new. I thought that it was the most beautiful stove in the world! 

There close to the porch I found broken pieces of my mama's dishes. How can there be so many pieces of the life of a family left after nearly twelve years? The yard is totally overgrown with trees and bushy thorny undergrowth but there are still so many pieces. Things that got missed the day they pushed everything together in a big pile and buried it with their big machines. The owners of the property seem to have let the house site go completely. 

From the porch I headed out to the barn. Ah that barn. It is only a shell of what it was in my childhood but it is basically just as it was when the house burned. What is left of it now is just one of two small open areas which were on either side of the main barn. I have great memories of that barn from when I was really small but my favorite memory is from the day I pulled the whole thing down. It had started falling apart and needed to be torn down badly! It was not safe for the animals anymore and really we only needed the small shelters for them to eat under and get in from the rain. So, we all went out together to pull it down. We worked and worked at that thing! We thought we could just lasso a main beam, tie it to my brothers truck, and pull it down. Nothing doing! So my brother went in with his rifle and started shooting apart the beams. It was great!!! After a little of that I picked up the rope and started pulling and lo and behold I pulled the whole thing right down! Today when I walked into what is left of it the scent was exactly the same as always. If I could bottle that scent and have it every single day I would! 

I spent some time just enjoying leaning against the fence in the barn and letting my mind wander back through the years. So many cows I raised in this barn! So many bags of feed I put out! I still remember the first trip to the sale barn with a load of steers after my brother moved out and I took over the work with the cattle.  He was so shocked at how gentle all of them were and I remember hearing dad say "Well they should be! Your sister does everything except sleep in this barn with them! She even does her homework in the feed trough!" It was true and it made me so happy to have spent so much time with them! 

The view from the behind the barn is still breath taking! Well ok, to me it is. :) 

I took the time today to walk down to the pond. As a child I loved this pond! My family was always worried I would run into a water snake and get myself killed, but somehow they never managed to make me afraid of that fate and they never talked me out of spending time there. Although I will say that I never actually got in that pond. I think my daddy would have come a bit unglued if I'd tried that! 

I had to laugh as I remembered the day that I nearly got myself killed because I had the audacity to disobey my big brother and let the horse I was riding have his head. He ran right under this bodock tree (for ya'l who don't know this a bodock tree is a nasty thing we have down here. They have huge thorns all over them and are almost impossible to get rid of) He scraped me clean off his back and in the process my face, arms and legs got slashed up pretty badly. I still have a scar on one cheekbone and one on my right arm from that. I got in trouble but my injuries got me a lot of pity. Flame (the horse) on the other hand, was shown no mercy. My brother was livid with him and rode him hard that afternoon until he was thoroughly worn out and repentant. I learned that day that few things are equal to the ire of a big brother when his little sister is hurt! 

As I left the place and headed back down the lane towards my car I felt a bit like I was walking away from a place inside myself. Keisha was so happy to have the room to run and as I followed her down that lane toward a life so far removed from these memories my heart ached a bit and I wondered, what exactly is home? 

Picking Daffodils I thought about it. Arranging them in jars I thought about it. Driving home I thought about it. What is home? I know that that amazing beautiful place is where my soul feels most at home. I know that nowhere else in all the world has my heart like that place.  Not even my sweet little house and my beautiful, magical yard have my heart quite like that place does. In spite of the fact that I have now spent more years living away from that place than I did living there, I still know its every foot. I love every part and piece of that 400 acres. So is that my home? If home is where the heart is, is that home? 

I don't know how to answer my own question, although I grapple with it from time to time. I know that we all long for a home. We crave a belonging. A place, a person, something that is absolutely home. Somewhere that is always safe, always there, always steady. But I ask you, is there anywhere on earth that can truly be that? Is there anyone on earth that can truly provide that? Or is home something we can find, truly find, only in Christ Jesus and the heaven that He holds for us? I don't know for sure, but I know one thing. If heaven is more beautiful, and more home, than the 'home' I went home to today, then I'd like to go right now please! 

To all the 'single' ladies ;)

*Disclaimer! If you are NOT in the group specifically named in the title of this blog, but you choose to read it anyway, then please remember that it was NOT written for you!! Any information disclosed within was written for the benefit of the ones to whom this is written. Amen.

Hey ya'l :) So its nearly three in the morning and I am dead tired. But there is a logical reason behind the fact that I am choosing this specific time to delve into what I am about to delve into. Actually multiple reasons. 1) I just spent 7 hrs driving in the pouring rain with 2 sleeping people. This gave me plenty of time to think and this is the subject my brain was rolling around. 2) This has been cooking for a while now and its high time to get it out of my head! 3) In spite of my complete exhaustion I am still a bit wired from all the caffeine. And 4) I took tomorrow off to spend with God and to do homework so I get to sleep in as late as I please tomorrow morning. Yeah!!! So, let me tell you whats on my heart.

We all know what week this is. Its the week of Valentines (drum roll please!). Now we all know good and well that MOST women with out a significant other to make Valentines special hate it. This is a fact that I completely fail to commiserate with because its my absolute favorite day of the year! Its by far my favorite holiday but that does not change the fact that its also very hard for most of us. This whole thing has been really bothering me this year so I'v been talkin to God about it quite a bit and He has shown me some really amazing things about it all that I would like to share with you.

First off, we are ALL in this together. There is no point in denying it. If we'r not married, then whether we like it or not, it hangs over us as the 'ultimate' life. Now granted some of us buy into that theory and some don't, but by and large that is the message our world gives us so it affects our thinking even if we forcefully reject it. All of us have this desire in us. This great longing to be treasured and pursued. All of us, without exception I believe, really really wish for someone to see beyond what we portray to the world. We want someone to more than just like us, we want them to WANT us. To care enough to actually come after our hearts, make a commitment, and spend the rest of forever enjoying the unique person God made us to be. We all know what it is to get that phone call from our best friend saying she is dating. We know what it is to look in the mirror and think, "If I were only thinner (or prettier or blonder or curvier or darker or...) it would be different. We know what it is to beat ourselves up and to think that we simply do not have whatever it is that makes men fall in love with women. We blame ourselves in all kinds of ways because we don't feel treasured and loved and special. We want that. And sometimes we are brave enough to actually admit this painful and vulnerable truth. And guess what we hear when we do? Ya. You already know. "Oh you need to let God fill that! Let God pursue you and love you and cherish you!" We have heard it until we are sick to death of it. We have read it in books until it feels more like a chain than a pleasure. But here is the thing. The world is wrong. WRONG!!! Ya. Big surprise there huh? Marriage is not the ultimate, God is. God is NOT some filler substitute for a husband. God is not a pacifier to make life bearable until Mr. Right comes riding in on his valiant white steed. God is so so so incredibly much more than that!! He is so much more than any man could EVER be for us! Is it easy to find Him that way? I think its easier than we practice it to be. He has been showing me (in some not so pleasant ways :) that He simply is not second choice. He's just not. He is absolutely the best, the most amazing, the most InCrEdIbLe One that could ever or will ever pursue my heart. He truly wants me. He does. He sees me, knows me, holds me when I cry. He catches my tears and treasures them because they are a sign of my reliance on Him. Lately I'v started asking Him to show me how He pursues my heart and its been pretty incredible! So I challenge you, ask Him. Just ask. "Ye have not because ye ASK NOT". Its so incredibly true too. Hunny don't settle for less. Don't wait on Mr. Right. Its just not worth it to waste so much time. Let God love you and cherish you!! God is funny, He's smart, He's beautiful! He's powerful and talented beyond our wildest dreams!! He is also holy and jealous. He does not, will not, accept anything placed before Him in our lives. Put Him first, seek Him, find Him, then if He chooses to bless you with a Mr. Right, you can be fully the woman that lucky man will need because you are filled in the deepest places of your heart by the One and only One who can fill them!!

Now the problem with all of this is simply that God is not physically here. Him loving and cherishing us does not take us out of that blasted category labelled SINGLE. Bother. Why do we do that?? What is it with us humans that we have to box and label everyone? Single, Married, Older, Heavy Set, Colored, Low-class. Mmm hmm... We have all heard them. And whether the one saying it MeAnS it to feel that way or not, we feel labeled. We kinda get this impression that we are alone. That somehow we just are not worth quite as much as a married woman is. Bullony!!! Thats just simply not true. Its just NOT true. But its what we feel... So grieve it. There is flat out no point in marching stoically along pretending to be over the moon about the fact that we feel we are less than we should be. You can never deal with something unless you first admit its there. So admit it. Name it, cry about it, and move on. You may have to grieve it every month or every week or even every day for awhile but if you truly seek God and let Him love you, He will show you your value and you will come to see yourself as He sees you and the grieving will be less. Sure there will be days, no matter how many years we practice it, that we really just have to cry and eat chocolate over the fact that we are not married. But thats ok. Grief is not bad. Feeling sorry for ourselves is bad. But grief is not. People will always label each other. It is part of human nature. But its not part of God's nature and we don't have to buy into it. We don't have to believe the label's placed on us by others or by ourselves. We have the power to choose to believe God and the 'label' that He has placed on us is simply "Mine."

One other thing that God has really been teaching me is that it is absolutely ok with Him for us to ask for what we want. Its ok to turn a hurting heart to Him and simply tell Him "God, I would really like a good godly husband." God loves us. He sees how much we want another human to share life with. He understands our need for companionship and I think He knows that sometimes we just wish that we could get up at 5 o'clock to cook breakfast for someone. We all want that best friend to walk beside every day, and while God wants to be our absolute Best Friend, He is the one who created these hearts of ours to long for that relationship. Sometimes He answers our prayers with a 'yes', sometimes a 'no', and more often a 'wait', but He always does answer. Its never ok to demand our way, but it is always ok to give Him the desires of our hearts and let Him sort out what is best for us.

Is it easy? No. But guess what, married life is not easy either. I watch my sisters and I know that. None of them would trade what they have for anything in the world, but their load of struggles is no lighter than mine!!! Sometimes it is very good for me to remember that. I don't have this stuff nailed down. I am human and believe me, I struggle too! But God is teaching me!! He is so good that way! I love that He loves me. I love LOVE knowing that He wanted a relationship with ME so badly that He died to make it so that I could talk openly with Him forever and ever. Unlike other humans, God never leaves me. He never turns away from me, never gets distracted with other people, never gets tired of me, never gets disenchanted with who I am. I love that. I LOVE resting in the sweet knowledge that His love for me never changes. He will love me the same when I am ninety as He does today. To me, THAT is the absolute ultimate Valentine!!

Meeting the Healer...

There are few times during a month that my heart is so encouraged or convicted or moved as during my church's first sunday hymn sing. For one thing it is a very precious time for me with my dad. For a whole hour we get to sit together and do something we both love so much. I love to sing with him! Our voices are so much alike that sometimes, when we are singing the same part, I lose my voice in his and a piece of my world falls sweetly into place in a way that it never does at other times. I love when he sings tenor with me, although that seldom happens anymore because the high stuff is getting harder and harder for him to sing. I love singing bass with him and feeling my insides vibrate when I'v gone as absolutely low as I can. I love to sing high tenor when I sit beside him because he enjoys it so much and it makes my heart happy to have him delight in me. It is all round a precious time for both of us and with my current schedule its one of the few times I actually get to BE with him.

I love hymn sing for all the normal reasons too. I love that a whole group of people can get together and collectively praise God with the same words. I love to think of our collective praises lifting to Him in waves of shimmering colors, all iridescence and light and ever so precious and beautiful to Him! I love to feel the heartbeat of my church in our songs. There is something so magnificent about blending your voice with those around you until each is lost in the whole and your spirit lifts and sores with the glory of it! 

My favorite thing about hymn sing though is seeing God through the eyes of so many different writers. Each person has a slightly, or hugely, different view of who God is based on their individual experiences and relationship with Him. I love when I catch a glimpse of Him in a new light through the words of a song. That happened to me this past Sunday night and I would like to share it with you. 

We were singing songs about the life of Christ and one of the lines in the song we were singing said "Jesus is the Healer of every sickness, thats what He came to do". As i sang those words, I felt them sweep over me, and with them a new understanding of Who Jesus is. I don't know exactly why I never made the connection before in my mind, there are many verses that talk of Him healing our infirmities and broken hearts. I know the verses. I can quote some of them. But somehow the simple and profound reality of it all never soaked into my soul until that night.

At the beginning of the world God gave to man a choice, and, as we all know, man screwed it up. Big time! From then until Jesus came, animals had to die to cover the sins that man committed. The murders, lies, idolatry, perversion, thievery, and every other sin that we are still tempted to today, had to be atoned for somehow, and so animals died as a sacrifice for men. God accepted their sacrifices, but what of the ones they hurt? What of the innocent? What of the abused children, the wounded bystanders, the violated women, the shattered lives? There was no covering for pain. No sacrifice that could sooth the wounds or cover the sins committed by the guilty but born by an innocent.  And then Jesus came. 

Jesus. Savior. Redeemer. He came to bring us that sweet precious gift of salvation from the sins that do so very easily beset us. He came, He lived, He died, and He rose again so that ANYONE who will accept His gift and choose Him as Lord and Master and confess Him as such can be saved. Forever. Complete freedom from the sins we have committed. No going back, no sins crashing down again, no yearly sacrifice. He paid that price for us, once and for always. BUT Jesus came for another reason too. He came to REDEEM. Not only the sinner, but the victim. He came with healing in His hands and He offers healing just as freely as He offers salvation! The freedoms that He holds out and longs to bestow on each and every heart is not only freedom from OUR sins, but freedom from the chains placed upon us by others. Every nightmare, every memory, every horror ever committed in the world... He came to bring salvation both to the guilty and the innocent. 

Jesus longs to heal. He longs to touch those deepest, darkest, ugliest places. The sources of our greatest shame and heartache. He longs to free us from the hurt. He longs to turn the dark side of every violated, abused, abandoned, shattered soul to light and freedom and pure openness. He offers not a covering, not a blanket, not a knife to cut it deeper, not harsh words to help us 'get over it', but rather a balm. A complete cleansing. His healing, like salvation (which it also is) is there, waiting for you and I to ask for it. When we ask for His healing we must be fully open to Him in our hearts, just as when we ask Him to forgive our sins and lead our lives. He wants to be Lord, not only of your heart, but of your WHOLE heart. Including the broken places. I love understanding this side of Jesus. It thrills my heart to see, really see deep in my soul that Jesus hurts with every wounded child. He sees every tear that falls, never misses a slap, a curse, a leering look or touch. His heart longs to redeem both the giver and the receiver of every act of abuse or injustice. I love knowing that "Jesus is the Healer of every sickness, thats what He came to do." 

D-day!!! :)

Today marks the beginning of my favorite season of the year here in Mississippi! Daffodil Season. I absolutely LOVE daffodils. They are definitely my favorite flower! I would say they are by far my favorite but the truth is that I am also especially fond of black-eyed Susans and Queen Ann's lace. But today it is daffodils that are here and I love them so very very much!!! I saw these in the ditch along the road close to our house so Keisha and I had to go for a little walk and get some! Their beauty takes my breath away!!

I have so many wonderful memories of picking daffodils as a child! Every sunday from the first of February through about the end of March, my sister and I would beg to go pick daffodils. Dad would almost always relent. He loves flowers, and he loves making us happy, so whats to lose? There was an old abandoned homestead a few miles from our house where we would stop. Whoever lived there loved the flowers as much as I do I think because she planted lots and lots of them! It was a quiet peaceful spot tucked into a little clearing with trees all around and farm land out around that. The grass was so soft and lush there. It was not the kind of 'grass' that naturally grows around here so it too must have been carefully planted. There were wild daffodils like the ones I picked today, big beautiful cultivated ones, white ones, double headed ones, and even some snow drops mixed in. We would see who could pick the most and it always made me grumpy that she was a better daffodil picker than I. Even after we left the ranch for the place Dad's live now we would go back and pick. Still today there is nowhere in the world I love to be more than in that little spot during Daffodil Season. I love to go there now as an adult and treasure the memories. Daffodils are, I believe, pure magic. 

So when I saw the first daffodils today I had to go and pick them! They are so beautiful! I'm not sure where all my pretty vases are so I put them in an old Starbucks bottle and onto my table they went, alongside the plants I'm currently starting. Jewel says eventually we won't have any room to live in this house if I don't stop starting new plants :) I doubt this is a true fact but I'm willing to chance it for the joy of growing things. Today my love note from God is daffodils and you know what? I hope that it will keep being daffodils for the next two months. :) 

Of Love Notes in the Rain...

Do you ever just get weary? I do. I get so tired. Tired of walking, one day after the other, week after week, month after month. Of course I don't feel that way all of the time! Actually I generally bounce around 'like a butterfly from one pretty flower to another' as one of my cousins once said. He was not quite on track but close. I'm easily distracted and delighted so most times I end up pretty happy. But sometimes, sometimes life wears me down and I wonder if God really cares, really sees, really hears my prayers. I wonder if He listens to my pleas or sees my tears or understands the soul deep aches that work their way into my quiet moments. 

Yesterday was a weary weary day. One of those days when I didn't even have tears. Tears make everything at least some better ya know? They get the worst washed out. Yesterday there weren't tears. For most of the day I sat curled on the couch with my computer open in front of me hammering slowly away at homework. In my heart I grumbled at God. Not consciously. I didn't even actually ASK Him to remind me that He loves me. But He, as He does so sweetly sometimes, heard my heart without me making words. Jewel, who was folding laundry on the other couch, happened to glance out the window and said with surprise in her voice "Hey its raining!" It took a few seconds for me to come out of the zone and focus. I looked out the window and lo and behold it WAS!!! Now you must understand that rain is one of my FAVORITE things!!! I am almost incapable of staying inside when it is raining. God's love flashed warm and bright in my soul and I felt His smile! I leapt off the couch and ran down the hall and out my back door. The rain was not fast or hard but soft. Perfect for dancing. I laughed and spun circles, my feet slipping and sliding in the wet grass and mud. The rain didn't last long, but it was enough. God's love note. His reminder that He cares! 

This morning on the way to church the memory of the rain was still dancing through my mind and I found myself bubbling with excitement about hearing what God had to say. My dad is the chorister right now so the singing is extra special for me. I love that man! The first song that he had chosen for this morning bore these lyrics.

1. 
   
2. He leadeth me, O blessed thought!
   O words with heav’nly comfort fraught!
   Whate’er I do, where’er I be
   Still ’tis God’s hand that leadeth me.
   • Refrain:
     He leadeth me, He leadeth me,
     By His own hand He leadeth me;
     His faithful foll’wer I would be,
     For by His hand He leadeth me.
3. Sometimes ’mid scenes of deepest gloom,
   Sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom,
   By waters still, o’er troubled sea,
   Still ’tis His hand that leadeth me.
4. Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
   Nor ever murmur nor repine;
   Content, whatever lot I see,
   Since ’tis my God that leadeth me.
5. And when my task on earth is done,
   When by Thy grace the vict’ry’s won,
   E’en death’s cold wave I will not flee,
   Since God through Jordan leadeth me.

Most of my problem yesterday was simple lack of trust. Most of my problem most days is simple lack of trust! I forget that truly, HE leadeth me. His love holds me, His care covers me. His grace is ALWAYS there for me! He blesses me in ways that are so far beyond my comprehension!! But you know what? Sometimes I can't feel Him. Sometimes I don't see Him. Sometimes I feel angry, rejected, unloved, forgotten, mistreated, denied, overworked, and completely misunderstood. Sigh! He is so entirely patient with me!! I do not, not at all, deserve His care or His gentle touch. And yet He gives it to me!!! One of the verses from another song that dad lead this morning says "God holds my hand, to walk with Him is sweet. I find in Him, a life that is complete! And when His will, I do not understand, I will but pray "Do not let go my hand!" That is probably my favorite song. I CAN trust my Father's leading! He is Healer, Savior, Redeemer, Wind, Light, Goodness, Peace, and Mercy to me. The times that I am tired? The times I do not trust Him? Those are the times that I slip out of relationship with Him. The times I let my gaze slide off of Him. Its then that I forget the rain, forget the way He sends the breeze to touch my face, forget the times He has led me safely through darkness so deep it shook my soul. If you are tired, ask Him to show you His love. Ask for a love note from Him. And then watch for it. It will be there. He will send it. If we miss His notes, its because we are not in tune with Him and watching for them. I want to do better. I want to learn to see His notes every day, always. Its something we grow in though. He gets that. After all He made us :)  

She is my sister...

"Hello." His voice on the other end of the line tugs hard at the tears lodged in my throat. "Hi" I answer him, fighting to keep them out of my voice. "Is your wife around?" He says that she is, that she is finishing up one of the girls' hair. My mind scoots across what feels like a million miles to watch the scene I have been a part of so often! Now I'm really fighting tears and am glad for a few moments to get it together until she gets to the phone. When she gets there her voice tells me she was is weary from a long day. I apologize for my timing, which she brushes off. She knows me well. I don't call on a Saturday night just to chat and she knows that something dramatic is coming. I start slow, the words coming in fits as I try in vain not to let the tears come with them. She listens, as she has so many many times, her questions pulling out details until its all in the open. Her laughter bubbles from the other end of the line and I have to join her because I know that she is right. "First of all" she says dryly, "calm down and listen to yourself!" I take her advice and let her voice be a mirror for me of my own current crisis. She knows me so well! Partly because she has always been another mother to me, partly because we two are so much alike that she knows the ins and outs of my strengths, weaknesses and failures like no one else. Tonight her advice and practicality are what I need to deal with the overwhelming presence of algebra in my life and it is so like so many other times that she has helped me cope! By the time I get off the phone I have a clear plan of action, something she knows I have to have to keep my sanity. She knows because she is wired the same way. The first thing in my plan is to cook. As I stand over the stove pushing okra around in the pan I think about this amazing woman who blesses my life so incredibly much. 

She is my hero. It was often to her that I went with problems I could not handle as a small child and it is still to her that I turn in my hardest moments. She is my voice of reason, my source of solid and unbiased advice. Her home is my haven. During the times in my life that my whole world crashed, it has always been there that I could go, not to escape my problems but to deal with them. When I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to have tea with or an ice cream, then I go to a friend or the sister just older than I. When I want to just dump my heart out to a safe source and talk to someone who will hear and hold my heart, I go to my oldest sister. But when I need advice, need a practical plan of action, I go to her. My middle sister. She is my favorite person to work with, she is the one I want to take care of me when I am sick and she is the one who will look me in the eye and say "Dayna, get over him!" It was her who made me stomp my feet for ten minutes strait when I was a child and going through a time with a 'stomping problem'. It was her who used to tell me "God gave you a head for more than a hat rack, so use it!" Sometimes I thought her down right merciless, but now I see how much value the toughness she taught me has because it is always always tempered with a gentle love and grace. 

Watching her raise her children, love her husband, build her church, fill needs no one else sees, bless people with a kind word, a smile, a meal... I know that I want to be just like her someday. I love her. I have no idea where I would be without her and the wonderful, amazing man that she married. Together they are for me a solid landing place! She is so many of the wonderful things that I aspire to be and I love her so dearly for it! No, she is not perfect. She is to much like me to be perfect :) But she is amazing! Her grace and ease with people always astounds me! She is goodness and light and practicality! SO many people have been touched by the way she lets God work through her and I am so very grateful to be one of those people! She is beautiful and sweet and full of life and laughter! She is wonderful! She is my sister.