of fear and enough.

Her hands shook just a bit as she set the bottle of Sunflower Oil on the belt in front of me. $7.59 for a pint. "It sure is expensive stuff' she confided worriedly, 'but maybe it will help. I'v been reading that it helps slow Alzheimer's and my husband was just diagnosed, so maybe this will help him." I looked at her and my heart broke for her... Tiny, frail, beautiful, and so sad. It was clear that her life, the life she knew, was shattered around her feet. Somehow a new normal had to be found and she was coping with that. I looked into her face and I saw the death of a dream in her eyes. Once, she was young and he was young. Once they loved with no limits, but now disease and decay bring borders in tight on their love and threaten all that they know. Perhaps when the Dr. told them, it was him, the patient, who was strong. Maybe he held her as she cried, her white head bent into his frail shoulder. Maybe it was she who held him, her small hands wiping the tears from his wrinkled, papery cheeks. Whatever the case may be, the dream of their love took a blow that day and it will never be the same. As I worked at bagging some product or other later that day I cried, tears sliding down my cheeks as I thought of all the ones I love, and fear loosing... The brothers I have begged God for my whole life and finally have. How they can infuriate me, how I sometimes long to shake them into shape, but oh how I love them!! How my heart aches over them sometimes and I long to protect them from any and all the pain their lives may bring them! This wonderful little church where my heart at last feels at home... Sometimes I cry and rail and ache against the frustrations of traditional conservative Mennonitism, but oh how I do love these dear dear people!!! When I think of leaving this body of believers my soul burns inside me as if its being ripped in two! My sweet sweet nieces and nephews, I hold them, their strong and fragile little bodies pressed tight against me and I cannot breath for fear that I will never hold them again. I ache with terror that I will never hold my own sweet littles, or that I will... My darling parents, my sweet mama, my silly daddy... Their hands have guided me for 26 years now. I can close my eyes and hear my daddy's voice praying for us kids, lifting us each to the Father for His care and protection. At any given time I can call my sweet mama and she will pray for me, with me. Oh how I fear loosing them!!! My sisters... My sweet, beautiful, amazing sisters. Where would I be without them? Without these 4 wonderful women who took care of me as a baby, read to me, fostered my dreams, helped me with a million things... Who listen to my broken hearted tears, who know every story about every boy I ever liked, who laugh with me, or cry with me, who are my rock solid support team, who are the first ones I turn to in my deepest need. What would I do if I lost one of them? And my career... I think often of the people who for one reason or another can't finish school, can't live the dreams they have, and I cringe in fear that for some reason God will choose to take that from me. And the man I love... So often I look into his face and I see the face of Christ reflected back to me and I love him with a love that I know comes from God and grows stronger every day. I think of loosing him and all that is in me melts into despair. I think of the horror stories that we hear so often, young widows, estranged spouses, broken relationships, disease and suffering... As my mind plays over my conversation with the old lady, I shake inside with fear! 

But then, this past Sunday I sat and listened to a man I deeply respect as he read these words from Isaiah "Fear not!!! I am the Lord your God and I am WITH YOU!" His sermon was wonderful, and I cried. I cried and cried and prayed... My heart settled within me and I could feel the arms of my darling wonderful Father wrap me gently up and cuddle me close to His chest, His breath warm in my heart as He whispered love songs into my soul. If all was stripped away, if all that I love most in this world were gone, if I had no career, no future, no life... He would hold me. I know that I have a wonderful life, but so easily it could be gone. I am keenly aware of this fact. I struggle desperately to not live in deep fear that God will rip the carpet out from under me and leave me empty alone and vulnerable. But the last few days as I have struggled and grappled with these fears I have turned deeper into Him than I have in months and found that He has not moved. He is there and real and wonderful! He is Love and Life and in Him there is no shadow of turning!!! Though the world be removed, He will hold me!! I know that fear will come again, but it does not come from God, and with His help and His love, I can choose to trust His grace, mercy and gentleness. There are no guarantees in life, except that God is with us, if we are with Him. But that is enough. He is enough. Today, tomorrow, always.

Why you should NEVER fall in love!!

Ok ya'l, I have got sumthin to say and you better just listen up! (And know that this blog is written in HEAVY southern accent! I am just so plain hacked off right now I can't even tell you how spit fire mad I am! Ya'l seriously I can not believe the stupid thing I done went and did!!! Fa real, ya'l please learn from me and do NOT, do not, do not, do NOT, DO NOT go and fall your sorry selves in love! I am not even kidding you one little bit right now! It has to be the dumbest, silliest, stupidest thing I ever did! I know ya'l are laughin right now but I got a few things to tell you that will change your mind! Let me give you a few. 

1) Love can take a perfectly reasonable, professional, capable woman and turn her into a blushing, giggling, gooing, RIDICULOUS girl! Believe me, I'm living proof! Today for instance, I was marking on a sleeve of bags what size they were. All I needed was to write the letter "H." Thats it. You know what I done? Before I even knew what happened or how they got there there was two big hearts on that bag alongside that H. Stupid. Pure stupidness! 

2) Love can take a very normal, rather funny, decently attractive and popular man and turn him into the best looking, the most hilarious and the most sought after man in the town, county, state, and even country! Believe you me, my Strider is living proof! Before I went and fell in love with him he was pretty normal. (So they tell me, I'm not convinced.) NOW on the other hand, every female that lays eyes on him falls madly in love and I can't say I blame them one bit!! He is, after all, the MOST amazing man I ever have met or ever will meet! Including my darling brother in laws! Now thats pretty incredible. And if you think that this is in anyway not a bad thing let me tell you your just wrong! Do ya'l know ANYTHING more annoying than being smitten with a man that you can tell every other female just adores?? Well I don't! 

3) Love can make an utterly confident and satisfied woman completely insecure and vulnerable. Now this one you all have to admit is bad! Somewhere in the last eight months I lost my ability to not care what other people think of me and have become incredibly concerned with it! I wear different clothes, worry about what I say, and stress over someone else's parents liking me. Whats with that??? Its love folks. Thats my only explanation. Suddenly what HE thinks is more important than anything. Crazy stupid thing love is I tell you! 

4) Love can change a person's interests. I'v never watched so many hunting videos in my life as in the last month. And you know what? I LIKE them! I'v never gotten so excited about anything as I do fishing! I'v never ever actually cared to read an article in a magazine about pan fishing or scent block. I'v never been so much of a food snob or actually paid more for organic ingredients just because the taste was better and the product more ethical. Not until now. Now fishing, hunting, and food occupy a huge amount of my mental energy! I next to never even think about cars, shoes, or snake hunting anymore. And ya'l? Worse than that is the fact that the man who promotes and enjoys these things occupies even more of my mental energy! Ridiculous! 

5) Love can make your ears sharper. Ok so you might be wondering what is wrong with that but I'l tell you! Love makes it so that every time the back door at work opens (when he's not there) my heart skips about 3 beats. Love makes it so that sometimes when he's not around and his dad says "Hi" to a customer my heart skips 3 beats. This is very very annoying because if a person's heart skips too many beats in a day you feel rather faint by the end. This means that if indeed you do not see the love of your heart until close to closing, by the time they do come in, and you see them, you very nearly next to faint dead away and ya'l THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING!!! 

6) Ok ya'l, here is the absolute worst thing about love. Once your in, your in. Especially if your a person like me who fights it so much and who really doesn't wanna be in love. Much as I hate the fact that I'm a silly gooing sapping wilting fainting fishing hunting heart-drawing girl, I am. Can't change it, can't get away from it, can't help it. My guy is utterly amazing and I know, without a doubt, that trying to get out of love at this point would be much more foolish than just staying in love! 

So, the conclusion of the matter as I see it is this: If your in love just let yourself enjoy it. Feed it. Make it grow. If your not in love the by ALL MEANS don't seek to be! Its a ridiculous and vulnerable place to be! Enjoy your days of sanity and serenity and don't let yourself be fooled by crazy giddy saps like me! Love is grand, oh so grand, but its truly not a place for the sane and stable! 

Why I love them!

I love them. And tonight I can't stop thinking about them. Everything I think and do is tinted by my thoughts of them. Their faces and voices run through my head and I wonder how they are doing tonight. I wonder if they are warm enough, full enough, loved enough. I hope and pray that they are not lonely or confused or hurting. That none of them has fallen and has no way to call for help. They are so beautiful and tonight I am facing the fact that they have become a part of my heart.

Take, for example, my Squash Man. I don't know his name, not yet. He doesn't know mine either, not yet. I hope someday that can change! :) I met him earlier this summer while I was cleaning in front of the store. I was working away sweeping up straw and dead mum flowers and merrily greeting customers when he walked up. "Say Ma'm, can you tell me how to cook these here squash? My wife useta cook them up real good but now she don't member how she done it and I cain't seem ta git it right!" So, since our store prioritizes on customer service, I stopped sweeping, leaned on my broom, and we talked. We had a long conversation about the virtues of different squash and how they are best cooked and eventually we settled on what we both believed his wife would probably like best. Acorn squash with brown butter, a bit of cream, and some salt. That morning I heard stories I'v heard several times since and I know I will hear many times to come. He told me all about how he has learned to stretch their social security checks to last all month. He explained how his wife is progressing with Alzheimer's and how she just is not the person she once was. I listened and learned and felt my heart stumbling and stuttering and loving this dear wonderful old man with his gnarled fingers and his crooked hat and his hair just a bit shaggy.  He was in again the next week and I got to help him find some mild sausage. We stood in front of the freezer and he unburdened his weary soul. The words poured out of his mouth and my heart broke for him. I was grateful, oh so very grateful, for my knowledge of his wife's disease. As I explained to him, as simply as I could, what was happening to her physically and how it was playing out in their lives, I could see the light dawn in his eyes. "You mean she doesn't know she's being nasty? She doesn't mean to be so picky and mean?" Truly one of the greatest blessings of my life was explaining to him that no, indeed, she did not mean to be ugly. She was not trying to hurt him. She was not responsible for her actions. As I stood behind the deli counter that day and watched him walk out my heart sang at how much lighter his step seemed! Several days later when he came back for fresh hamburger I asked him how she had liked the sausage and his answer made me smile "Oh she loved it! Now me, I'd like it a bit spicier but ma missus don't like stuff too hot so I just do what I can ta please her" He did not say it begrudgingly and as I watched him I prayed that if ever I am in that situation I will love with that same devotion and desire to please!

Then there are the sisters. They are night and day different and I am entirely crazy about them! Both of them. They come into the store all the time and are definitely two of my favorites. One is sassy and smart and sometimes entirely grumpy. No one in the deli liked to help her because she is super picky! So, because I love older ppl and because I'm obstinate that way, I set out to make her happy. I think the day I really fell in love with her was the day that I became her personal shopper. And she really does see me that way! The other day she had me searching through the cookbooks that we sell to find the best apple butter recipe :) Her sister, on the other hand, could not be easier to please. Neither lady is soft spoken at all, but they come across so very differently! The second sister, whom I believe is the elder one, had a stroke at some point and is therefore very hard to understand sometimes. The other day she was in when I was working checkout and she was explaining to me all about how her sister has the MOST glorious garden and how she is forever trying to get her to work in it. "She thinks she can con me into doin her work! She calls me up all the time 'Come see my garden' she says and she thinks I'l get down on these arthritic knees, I got the arthritis real bad, and weed her garden! She's got another thing comin!" With that she smacked the counter and giggled loudly, her beautiful eyes twinkled in delight. She was looking especially darling that day in a lovely pink sweater! :) The thing about these two ladies is that really, there are three. Today, in an encounter that shook me to my core, I met the third. Apparently she is as hard, cold, angry, and homeless as her sisters are sweet, endearing, and well off. As my friend Wren and I were driving today we saw the third sister walking down the side walk, long black coat swishing around her ankles, walking stick tapping, black beany pulled down over chopped off dark hair, wrinkled skin sagging below large blacked out sunglasses. My heart instantly convulsed and I told Wren "We have to do something! Lets go back and see if she will go for lunch with us." So, after praying together we went back and tried to talk to her but she wouldn't even talk. She answered our request for her time with a brusk shake of the head and kept walking. When we got to the corner where she had to cross the street she snatched a garage sale sign out of the ground and threw it down violently. I kept trying. Asking if she'd had lunch, if we could go somewhere warm, if she'd like to just hang out for awhile. Nothing. When the walk light came on and she headed out across the street my heart felt like it was following her. I can't give up on her! Somehow I want, need, to find a way to reach her. I think of her beautiful sisters and I wonder how, how this can be?

There are more. Lots more. Tonight it is mostly these four that rattle around in my brain but there is also the dear little lady who comes in to buy food for her friend that has cancer. There is the darling one who helps with all the charity work in town it seems! There is the sweet friend of ours who comes and brings latte's sometimes. There is the dear dear man who comes after his mozzarella cheese. His back is swayed and his legs are crooked and sometimes, often actually, he flinches in pain. But he never ever ever complains. There in the exceedingly short tempered and grumpy little old lady who never smiles. Wren gave her a small bouquet of flowers last week and although she said thank you she never even cracked a smile. There is the sweet sweet little asian lady who comes in. Her eyebrows are tweezed to within a few hairs of nonexistence and she has on a clown's mask of makeup, but her sweet spirit lights up the store when she walks in. Her "Tank Yuu, Tank Yuu" and repetitive bowing are adorable beyond belief! And the brusk little german lady, she makes me giggle every time she comes in! You see? I love them. I love them so so very much! Sometimes I look at them and I think I will simply implode with it. Those are the times when Strider says to me, with so much wisdom for which I am so so grateful, "Thats why your in school. Thats why you don't belong in a store, but rather in a nursing home."

So all of that to say this, I am GRATEFUL tonight that by the time these sweet sweet old people that have so totally won my heart are ready for a nursing home, perhaps it will be me caring for them. And if it is not them, it will be a hundred more who's bright smiles or listless eyes or wrinkled skin or smelly hair or repeated stories have captured my heart. And that, my dear friends, is my dearest, deepest desire. Amen.

Be Still

i love living in town. i love the noise, the traffic, the lights, the people. i love that my car is adding up next to no miles. i love that i can drive 3 weeks on one tank of gas if  i'm careful. i love that if i took the time to i could walk or bike almost everywhere i want to go. but i MISS the country. and i miss the south. i saw this video tonight and realized just how much i really miss it! (take a minute and actually watch the video. its totally worth it!) 

Be Still

www.theworkofthepeople.com

A contemplative prayer for presence.

              click on the blue Be Still to watch.

i think sometimes now about the HOURS i spent alone with God in the last two yrs. all the time i would study and study and study curled in our big green chair or bent over our kitchen table or sprawled on the floor of our living room or hunkered in the corner of our darling red couch. and then when i could focus no longer i would walk... kiesha and i would go stretch our legs on that long expanse of hard packed dirt and i would talk to God and cry and sing and let out my soul. i wonder sometimes what happened to all that soul. now i live each day smiling at a hundred people and loving every one of them. i cook and cook and cook for 4 beautiful men whom i love with all my heart. i laugh sometimes till i cry with my new friend that i am so blessed to share a home with. sometimes i feel like that soul that was growing and stretching to such big wide expanses all those months now uses all the those borders as elastic to keep in all the loving that it has to do! but i'm seldom still now. and maybe in my not stillness i'v moved a bit away from that ever abiding knowledge that He is. i want to know how to find that here in this cold busy crazy new world. how to find Him in the asphalt where i knew dirt and the 4 men where i knew one sister and cashiering where i knew cleaning and the housing development where i knew a hunting reserve and only one small rodent where i knew the loe and kisses of many darling furry creatures and only one small person who loves me and one that sometimes loves me and sometimes doesn't where i knew many who had constant hugs and three million kisses and the working for the approval of my elders where i knew constant support and encouragement. i want to know God in this place. God now that i am girlfriend with a solid supportive man instead of as a clinging desperate-for-every-drop-from-His-gracious-fingers, barely-making-it college kid.

i want to know God. i want to know me. i want to know God in me and God in this world and God in the grace that colors my glorious world shimmering shades of amber, silver, amethyst, turquoise and black. ya, there is black in my world. streaks and slashes and lines that make the whole more beautiful and keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. i want to have still, even in my fullness of love and community, the abiding hunger for God that comes with clinging fiercely to Him for my all. He is my true Love, my first Love, my Passion. He holds the key to my purity and breathe and laughter and life. i want to find Him here. in dirty dishes and pulled pork and bagging 23 bags of organic pearled something or other and counting change and running credit cards and making fresh doughnuts because the man i love is crazy about doughnuts. God was on that dirt road. He moved with me in the dance of the vacuum cleaner. He held my head through every single algebra class. He was the one wrapped around me tight and close on those nights when i simply sat and pounded on my head with closed fists trying desperately to fit one more fact into my brain. life is different now, but God is the same. i want Him here. i want to be still here. amen.

  

Joy in MY journey.

THEY are so beautiful! Thin, perfect hair, gorgeous houses, darling children, adoring husbands. THEY are so happy. So fulfilled. They have all they ever wanted. They are mommies, wives, lovers, cooks, chauffeurs... And they do it all so flawlessly! Their little girls wear darling pink dresses with brown polka dots and their little boys wear green and black plaid shirts. Not boring plaid mind you but cute. The kind that you buy at GAP or Old Navy. THEY have it all together... My married friends.

THEY are strong women. They laugh, they cry, they hold good jobs. Their check books are neatly balanced, they have their own houses. They know that something is missing in their lives but they fill the void with God and other people. They have deep rich lives because they allow their pain and loneliness to make them ever more beautiful. God does miraculous things for them because they fall before Him daily for the strength to carry on. They bless people constantly because they use their lives well to serve the God who is saving them for Himself. Ultimately they long to be mommies and wives and lovers. THEY are waiting and praying and living so close to God Almighty... My single friends.

And then there is me. I don't fit in either category. Never have, never will. Ok, I know, that is so entirely narcissistic (self centered in the extreme!) but please bear with me a minute. This is a blog and I think more people feel like this so I'm just saying it, ugly as it is. Back to me not fitting. I never was really a 'single girl' because I never really wanted to not be single. What I wanted, want, is to be a nurse. But first I wanted to go to Bible school, and travel, and live in other places. So I did those things. And then I got my own house, settled down to multiple jobs and a crazy class schedule and was a college kid... My life long dream. I LOVED it! Loved my house, loved my work, loved my school, loved my life!! And along came Trouble, otherwise known as Strider... And, because I'm not crazy enough to turn down the opportunity to date the world's most amazing man, I agreed to date him. And here we are, nearly seven months later, still dating. No, we are not engaged. And probably not going to be for a long time yet, so don't ask :)

So this is my life now. I'm dating.( Completely weird! I don't even know how that happened!!) I live in the north. (Way way way north!! Where it snows two thirds of the year!! And I HATE snow!!!!) I live here because I love the church. Thats why I chose to move here anyway. (All of that happened before Strider happened). I'm going back to school in January. To a fancy school. To a northern school. To a school that is not my darling EMCC (East Mississippi Community College) To a school that I have absolutely no idea if I can really make it at or not. So,,,, I'm scared. My life is not like anyone else's that I know. Its not like my old life. Not at all. I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing here. Not with dating, not with living in the north, not with going back to school. I wish I could just drop school. Let go of that craziness, date my darling Strider, maybe eventually marry him, be the great mom with the perfect and darling babies... But I just can't. I can't because my passion is nursing. Because when I get around a helpless old person and I think of then not getting proper care my blood absolutely boils. I can't because when someone asks me a question about how the body works it is sheer delight for me to explain it in detail and I just wish I knew more. I can't cut off my dream and live a normal life because to do that would be to die inside.

So I walk a journey that feels more like a blind slide than an intentional walk. I was used to an ordered life. To being in charge of my world. I'm very goal oriented which makes me a great scholar and an absolutely terrible girlfriend. How to overcome that?? Weddings and babies and love are in the air all around me and most of the time I feel like an impostor in someone else's skin. I really really NEED this crazy goofy man that has become my absolutely best friend. But I'm not someone who really needs other people normally so I don't know what to do with that even! I really love this church but I have absolutely NO idea how to be a good Bethel girl so I end up doing or wearing something wrong every time I turn around. I don't know how to desperately need and cling to both God and Strider and since Strider is the one who is here and physically present, its God who often doesn't hear my desperate ramblings or wipe my angry tears...

So I guess what I'm saying is basically just that I'm still pretty lost in this big new world I'm living in. I get overwhelmed so easily with all the changes. I get mad at myself for not being totally adjusted. I cry because I miss my parents and sisters back home. I get frustrated because I am SOOOO busy and don't have a lot of time to talk to my family and when I do have time I usually am sad about missing them and don't want to risk crying on the phone and making them feel worse. I still hate not owning my own business. I'v learned that dating does NOT automatically make life easier or better. I definitely don't want to give up my sweetheart, but some days I still don't know what on earth to do with him! So, this is my fight... To find joy in MY journey. To find the heart of God even in my hurt and loneliness. To remember that even though I envy my single friends a bit, I wouldn't trade places because THIS is where God has me. To remember that even though I envy my married friends a bit, I wouldn't trade places because THIS is where God has me... Its a good life, even if it gets tough. :)

The man I met...

I saw his hands first. The way they moved, the way they lay against his sides, yet not quite against. His feet caught my attention next and my eyes traveled down... Big work boots. Worn boots. Worn over alls. Rough skin. That gate. That gate I know so well... Finally my eyes made their way to his face. To any of my co workers he would have seemed to have no expression but to me, his eyes said all that his face could not. Rage slashed its way through me like hot lava as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. They sparkled with life and laughter and an understanding that I knew we shared. His eyes told me that he saw that I was seeing, and his eyes told me that it was ok. There was peace in his eyes. I wanted to stand in the middle of the store and scream and stomp my feet! To rail against the unfairness and the horror of it! "Why God??" He was beautiful. He looked like someone's daddy, someones grandpa, someones love. His eyes spoke of all that his face and body no longer could. Years of loving and laughing were etched into the lines in his face. Lines that could no longer crease into their natural shape. With all of my heart I wanted to hug him, this strange man standing in front of my deli counter. This beautiful life that graced our store with his strong, calm presence. There was in him the love and gentleness of the ages, the peace of a knowing God. Kindness spread from him and flowed across my heart, soothing some of the fury in me. As I sat in the front of the store making signs and talking out my anger to my friend, the cashier, I watched him. I watched as he moved slowly outside and sat down on a bench in front of the store. I watched as he enjoyed the beautiful weather. Watched as he sat in that posture I know so well and soaked up the world around him. I wanted to go and sit by him, ask him his story, hear the details of how he first knew what this thing that was stealing his life was. I wanted to put my hand in his and tell him that I am so very angry for him. I want to tell him that one of the greatest men I know is walking this journey with him. I want to talk of that man's courage and strength and of the beautiful amazing thing God is making with his willingness to submit to the tool God has chosen to shape him. I want to make sure that this man, this wonderful gift from God who visited our store, knows that he is valued, treasured, and is being crafted rather than destroyed! I watch him through our big front windows and with the anger in me there comes awe and respect. I think of all the things in my own life that I would like to change. I think of how I would give all that I own and all that I am to cure this disease for him and for that amazing man that I love and for all the other people who's bodies are slowly surrendering to the destruction of this disease.

Last night, on the way home from our date as I was telling Strider about the man who visited the store tears welled up in me and for the millionth time I had to cry about the thing I cannot change. I wonder what the world would be like if I could change it? Doubtless it would be much worse off than it now is! I think of my Jesus... His bleeding hands, His broken skin, His heart separated from the Father He loved so deeply. Jesus came, lived, died, not only to save us from our sins, but also to heal us. Every disease, every wound, every slap, every curse, every injustice ever felt or acted out... He came to destroy the death in us. I close my eyes and I see their faces, both the man from the store and that man I love, who is my hero in a million ways, and I see the face of Jesus as I know Him. HE holds the keys to their healing. I know this. He gave all that He had, all that He was, so that this disease, and every disease, has no real power. I think the man I met yesterday knew that. I think He loved my Jesus. I felt it when our eyes met, saw it in the patient way he moved, witnessed it in how he accepted his own body and worked with it. May I be so whole as him. May I show such grace as I move through every day. May I be a mirror of Christ to the world as he was to me. May my soul be healed as his appeared to be.

Why love?

I heard her coming before I saw her... Her bare feet smacked on the concrete floor and she was, as she often is, laughing. She flew behind the deli and whether it was me or her daddy that she was looking for I'm not sure but regardless it was me who was there and me who got the hugs! As her little arms wrapped themselves tight around my waist and her giggle burst into my ears I felt that swell in my heart like an ocean wave. In an instant, I knew that I love this child. I hadn't quite realized it so clearly before but in that moment I knew that I do, truly, deeply love this darling beautiful delightful child. How does that happen? How does one go from being a stranger to loving fiercely in so short a time? How can one heart grow so very much in just three months? And how does one know if the love with which one loves is ok? Love is such a vulnerable thing! To love someone is to give them the power to hurt you. As I look at this place, these people, all the enormous amount of things I have come to love since I moved here, my heart catches and a bit of panic slices through me and I want to know HOW this happened! How did I come to care so much for these people that I work with? How did I get to the point that when my dear new roommate is sad, I am sad. How did I come to the place with my friend who I have known for so short a time that when her mouth hurts I want to cry for her? Since when do I love Brother 2 so much that when a customer is rude to him I want to throw her ground beef in her face? And the customers, why, how, do I care about them so much that its super important to me to where bright clothes that cheer them up? How can it be that I have come to care so much about a lady I have never even met simply because she is the sick friend of one of my favorite customers? I want to know the logistics of love. I want to understand the science, know the formula, figure out the reasons WHY I love these people. I want to know why it is that already Strider's youngest nephew has me COMPLETELY wrapped around his tiny little finger!? How do you reconcile the fact that, if you want it to or not, love happens? Real, true, deep love. The kind that wants the best for the object of its emotion regardless of the consequences for yourself. My co-workers, the people at church, the customers of the store, and most of all Strider's family... Since when does love just grow even when I think it wont?? Even when I fight it? I don't have answers to my questions. I wish I did. I know that I love them. I know that if I left here, left them, I would leave more than a piece of my heart, I would shatter my heart. Perhaps that is simply the nature of love. Maybe love is a force all its own, a part of the heart of God that just wells up and swallows the heart of His children? If you have an answer I would love to hear it!

Camo... A tribute to greatness.

When I first laid eyes on him he was no bigger than a minute. A tiny ball of grey and black fur, his eyes sealed shut and his pink nose and tiny tongue oozing that beautiful scent that only puppies give off. Half great dane, half blue healer, all adorableness. He was one of several and he was so special! His mottled coat and sweet personality completely won my heart and of the litter he was the one I fell in love with. It was a love that never wavered or faded and tonight, as I listened to my daddy's voice on my voice mail explaining how he found him dead and how my brother in law helped to burry him, I felt a piece of my heart die too. Camo was so much more than just a dog. My fierce protector, my constant confidant, my loyalest friend. His coat caught a thousand tears! His ears bore the brunt of many teenage heartbreaks. His tongue kissed away the sadness and made me giggle so many times! Once, when he was probably 3 yrs old or so, we were playing ball and he somehow managed to get a tennis ball lodged in his throat. It was sheer panic on my part for a bit but somehow I managed to keep my wits about me long enough to perform the Himeliche (sp?) and get it out of his air way. Ever after that tennis balls were NOT allowed outside! Another time, when I was practicing batting, I accidentally hit him in the head with the bat! I would hit the ball and he would run and retrieve it and somehow he got too close and I got him with the bat. I felt AWFUL and that was the end of that sport because he would no longer come around me when I had a bat! Smart dog :) I have always said that if he were human Camo would be the perfect male. Sweet, handsome, loyal, gentle, kind, considerate (he used to carefully carry his food dish out to the pasture every day for this little stray mutt that would come around. He didn't eat any food for like 3 days or something until I finally realized what he was doing and started putting his food in a concrete dish so he couldn't take it out for her) affectionate, adoring and completely amazing with kids! That was Camo's most valuable trait. He always did absolutely excellent with kids! They could beat him, ride him, pull his ears, kick him, throw stones at him, bite him, or anything else they could come up with and he would simply patiently endure it. A few times, when it had been several hours of non stop roughness, he got up and walked away from them. But for the most part he simply did whatever they wanted him to to make them happy. 

Today, my dad and brother in law buried a dog. They also buried a friend, a protector, and a family member. With him, they buried a bit of all our hearts.    

Filleting the Salmon

Sometimes I just need space. Air, room, nature. Some place to be that does not belong to another person. My biggest struggle since I have moved is desperately missing having 'home'. I miss having a kitchen and living room that I can just chill in. I miss that amazing feeling you get when you walk through the door of your 'own' house and just know that its yours and your heart is safe there. Please don't get me wrong, I have wonderful room mates and the house I live in with them is very comfortable. But its not home yet. These things take time. In the mean time, when I need 'home' I often go to the park or my favorite spot under the bridge. Tonight was such a night. All the world was crowding in around my brain and I needed space. So, I went to the park to swing. Let me tell you a bit about it. 

The Sparta park is not very big but it is quite pretty! The road that ambles through it is paved. Several ball diamonds sprawl out across most of it and the play grounds lie against the banks of the lake. On the other side of the lake a golf course stretches and rolls and weeping willow trees make lace over the lush grass. I love that park. I love to sit by the boat ramp and listen to the life that happens around me! One of my very favorite things to do is sit there and simply write out all that I hear and see! Sometime I will let you all in on one of those ramblings. Tonight I needed the rocking of the swing and the twinkling of the stars to sooth my soul so after swinging awhile I went and lay on my back on the play set and thought. A million thoughts ran through my bothered brain but the one that finally surfaced was "I just want to keep filleting the salmon". The thoughts before that one went something like "Why did I move here? What if people really don't actually want me here? What if I'm just going to totally annoy these people? What if I am only here because I want to be and not actually because God wants me here? What is my future here? What if my whole life here just falls apart and I have nothing to fall back on?" These are things that rattle at the back of my brain a lot, as my poor boyfriend can testify to! See, even though I know that most people who know me would never believe this statement, I am not a person who loves easily. Most of the time it takes me months to really love. But here I'v encountered something entirely different than I have ever known before. I have nowhere to hide. I am constantly forever and always with people who I have to learn to love. This fact makes loving them happen much more quickly and it also makes it much more frightening because they are my whole world right now. I fear overwhelming them or being too real or open for them. I fear doing something very unladylike and being forever branded a tomboy. I fear over reacting to something and being titled 'dramatic' and therefor discounted. Probably none of them is founded but it sure feels like they are! So many times, like tonight, I get so overwhelmed and wrapped up in the big picture and what MIGHT happen and what COULD happen and the worst thing that possibly MAY happen, and I forget to live in the day. Strider on the other hand, bless his dear patient heart, is incredibly good at enjoying every moment. He is teaching me. Slowly. That is where the "filleting the salmon" comes in. One of Striders favorite chefs was asked, after opening some new restaurants or something else very great "Whats your next big thing going to be?" to which he answered something to the effect of "Why cant I just enjoy filleting the salmon?" Its a phrase that runs through my mind a lot when I want to panic about school this fall or my parents at home, or how far Wisconsin is from South Carolina, Mississippi, and Virginia. It reminds me to focus, draws my attention back to what I'm doing, and plants my feet back in the world where loving people is a day to day thing. It reminds me that this church is a whole church. Even though somedays I know that I am "different" than what is the accepted norm here and even though sometimes I feel like everything I do and say sends shock waves, and even though sometimes I wonder what on EARTH God was thinking when He moved me here, or I was thinking when I agreed to it, I know that in reality, I'm just a girl who works in the local deli. I cut meat and cheese, package salads, wrap raw meat, arrange the produce, make an occasional sign, and date the bosses son. In the scheme of things, I'm not all that important. Its a very comforting truth! I don't know about ya'l, but I know I sure tend to think I'm way more important than I am. The flat truth is that I'm just me. Just plain ole me who loves the rain and hates the snow and is afraid of too many things. It is my constant battle to lay my future down at the feet of Jesus and choose to just 'filet the salmon' every day even though I have no idea what six months from now or one year from now or ten years from now may hold for me. "Filleting the salmon" is changing my life and my mind set. You should try it some time :-)

Moments in Narnia...

Today, we took a walk. Brother 1, Brother 2, Strider, and me. We walked along the sidewalk, sucked down its length by the music pulsating from the end of the street. It sounded like a live band. It was a live band. We were delighted! We watched and listened for a bit and my Southern Blood bubbled within my veins and I fought the urge to break out dancing. It was just that kinda day. Big beefy motorcycles stood all around and people milled in and out. After a bit the music lost its pull and we headed on down to the creek. They had told me earlier in the day that there was one and I thought it would be boring and clean but turns out its a very lovely creek with nice muddy water and lots of big slimy rocks. We stood on the bridge and looked at it for a bit but I knew I had to find a way to get down to that water, so I found a path and went scootching down it to the creek. It took me a bit to convince the three men/boys to join me but I told them they had to see it! I wish I'd taken pictures! It is pure magic under that bridge! A place anything is possible! From drug deals to stolen kisses to a hundred other rites of passage. The water roars through, murky and cold. Against one side of the bridge there is an old bench and across on the other side are pages of graffiti splattered against the wall. After too few minutes and too many mosquito bites, I was ready to go! So we scrambled back up the bank and headed for the train tracks. For a little while we were tight rope walkers. Brother 1 and Brother 2 were already barefoot. I, in a streak of less-hippieness, was wearing Strider's much too large for me shoes, and he was wearing Brother 1's. I quickly learned that tight rope walkers cant wear too big shoes! So I kicked them off and off we went! Such great fun! I wish I'd been introduced to train tracks years ago! I'm getting rather an obsession with trains and tracks and chatter bait. Weird, I know! We walked and laughed and my favorite navy dress that makes me feel like a fairy floated around me and for a while we were kids and the whole world was sunshine and magic and freedom and there was no work or bills or anything but the 4 of us and the tracks and the music still playing in the background. And that is how we found a slice of Narnia right here in Sparta, and that is how it goes, and how we roll, and how I learn to love these 3 crazy amazing men/boys who are teaching me to act like a kid.  

Life today...

My feet hurt. My eyes are tired. I cry a lot. Its very very cold here. I miss my family, and especially my sweet Angel Boy. I miss my dogs, badly. My heart aches. And maybe worst of all, I now live a mere 6 hrs from the Canadian border. I nearly went through the roof (grocery store roof mind you) today when I realized that dreadful fact. Sometimes I think my head will spin right off my shoulders and fly away into the wild blue yonder without me. Wouldn't be a great loss really, with as silly as the old thing seems to be these days! I now know more about cheese and deli meat than I ever dreamed I would. I'v learned that labeling machines are pure magic and that bread slice machines are evil. I don't shop at WalMart anymore (thats a post all for itself. It may be written at a future date depending on popular demand). I now know just how tired a pair of feet can get after 9 hours on concrete. I don't have homework :) :) :) :) :) :) Ya, thats happy! I absolutely love the people that make up my world now! I'm entirely smitten with every single one of Strider's family members that I have met so far. Especially the baby... He has beautiful blond hair and big blue eyes and even though he hasn't even tried yet, or really warmed up to me, he has me wrapped around his little finger! He is only a few months older than Angel Boy and looks very much like him. I tell Strider that his place as leading man in my life just might be in jeopardy. Some times, when I am hanging out with Strider and his 2 bachelor younger brothers I feel just a bit like the girl in the book Seven Brides for Seven Brothers :) I like that a lot! Some days I just need to go and hold Bella. Brother 1 does an amazing job of taking care of her though! She lives over at the guys' place and I am SO grateful to have her here with me in this cold cold world. The land here is all rolling hills and farms and looks like something strait from a picture book. I suppose most people would call it breathtaking, and I think it is really. But its also very very tame. I have yet to find a single wild thing here. There are not even any dew berry vines. Tomorrow is my first real day off since I started working in Strider's family's store and I am super excited about it! I am going to sleep as late as I please and then make food and take lunch up to Strider. Happy :) He also says that next week we are going fishing, so that makes me very happy too! :)

In spite of the rather complaining sounding things you just read, I actually think that my life here is going to be a truly amazing one. I really enjoy all the people I work with! Like I mentioned, Strider's family is wonderful. They are so very very different from mine in some ways, but in some ways they are just the same. They are warm and welcoming and very accepting! And funny... So very funny. I also really like the church people! Its such fun to live close to cousins. I'm excited about that part of living here! I actually really enjoy all the church people, and am very excited about getting to know them all better. I have great house mates!! One of them loves to cook and we have already learned we have a blast cooking together. I work with both of them at the store so that is a cool thing to share. One of them is busy planning her September wedding so that keeps her pretty busy too. And then there is Strider. :) Life is just better with him close by. I miss home, miss my life, my family, and my house. But when I look honestly at where God has me and how He's led me here, and the amazing man He's placed in my life, I know that I would not trade this moment in history for anything in the world, no matter how hard it is some days.

To all my friends and church family at home... I miss you. I am SO excited that I get to come home in July and see everyone!! I am super grateful for a sweet man who will take me home too! When you think of me, please pray for me. Each of you is in my prayers as God lays you on my heart! Don't forget that I do want to know what is happening in your lives as well! :)

A Political Post...

Disclaimer: This is my opinion, which has been held for quite some time. Take it or leave it. I'm not looking for a debate, just throwing my $.02 in.

As anyone who knows me well already knows, I do not follow politics. Truth is I probably pay a lot less attention to the news than I should and thats not a good thing. My dad and boyfriend are both newspaper readers and so I get a fair amount of news second hand. The reason, mostly, that I don't keep up with the news is that its depressing and frightening. I'm not condoning this habit of mine, I'm just stating it as fact. There is a trend that I see amongst my friends, especially on facebook, that really bothers me though. It looks to me like Obama bashing has become a sport. Now, please, do not get me wrong. I understand that he condones things that from a biblical standpoint can not be condoned. I get it that he supports abortion and abortion is, according to Scripture, murder. But according to Scripture is it not also murder to hate someone in our hearts? Since when is it ok for a Christian to publicly bash anyone, let alone an elected official?? God clearly states that we are to honor our parents. He also clearly states that we are to give honor to elected officials. I do not know one single person who would publicly slander his or her parents on facebook or anywhere else for that matter. Even when a person hates his parents, we generally have more decorum than to paint our walls with it like graffiti! So maybe all the jokes, pictures and "you need to be aware", posts are not actually ok. Perhaps, (and I do mean perhaps, I am not saying this is the case) they are an overflow from a heart full of hate? 

Another angle of this whole thing that I find particularly troubling is how much people are talking about our president vs how little they seem to be praying. Note I said 'seem to be' not 'are'. I understand that a great deal of silent and unseen prayer goes on! But my question is, can you truly pray for the good of someone and then turn around and slander then publicly? And I wonder too, have facebook and social media and other people become so huge to us that we think that telling the world about our feelings about our president will do more good than telling Almighty God? I understand that we have a responsibility to stay up to date with what is happening in the world around us. I understand that I am lacking greatly in that area. But I also understand that we are required, by God's law, to pray for those who make the laws of the land we live in. If we as American born Christians put the energy into prayer and fasting for this country and our leaders that we do into 'warning' others of Obama's marxist/socialist/muslim traits, perhaps the tide of the country would change. Our futures are NOT in the hands of any man. We rest in the palm of Almighty God! If we are subjected to the horrors of torture for our faith, it is simply because America as a whole has fallen away from God, not because one single man took us there. No man has the power to destroy a nation. If we are destroyed it is our own doing. And yes, I do mean 'our'. When was the last time that any of us spent an extended length of time in solitude, prayer, and fasting for this country and the hearts of its leaders? What about for revival to sweep our land? What about for the souls of the teenagers and children that are so hurt by the corruption around them? We are 'so upset' by the issue of abortion, but what are we doing about it? 

So here is my personal take on politics. I want to pray more. I want to lift up the men and women who lead this country that I am blessed to live in. I want them to know Jesus Christ. And I want my life to be led, controlled, and dictated by the will of my Father, not by the whims of any human, including myself. Yes, I want the killing to stop. Yes I want this country to honor God. Yes I want this country to be a democracy and not a socialist country. But I know, absolutely, that only God controls that and the only way that God will be honored in this country is if He is honored in the hearts and lives of His children who live in it. 

Choir...

Five months ago I made a decision that completely changed my life. Yup, completely. I decided to join the choir at my school. I had no idea. No. Idea. how MUCH that would change my life on campus. You see the thing about choir is that every single person in choir completely rocks. I have learned to love each and every one of them so very very very much! They are goofy, crazy, silly, original, and totally amazing. Ya, every one of them. And they really are. Every one of them, every one of us, together make up something really incredible! I love being a part of that incredible something! 

I will never forget the first day that I slowly climbed that long long stair case in the Music building. I was kicking myself all the way. One of the ladies that I work for goes to church with the director and had been after me for months to join. I had finally given in and here I was. All I wanted was to turn around and leave. But I didn't, thank God! I had one friend in choir but climbing those stairs I didn't know that he would be there. That first day I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I loved the music, and the people looked fun, but I was scared and felt alone and didn't have my brave face on very well. But, I was also committed, and I love to sing. So I kept going back. It didn't take long for me to learn that these people were totally awesome and I loved them, but it took them longer to learn to love me. I'm not sure they all do yet, but thats ok, I still love them. To me it felt like I sort of found a spot when I went to see a play put on by the Music Theatre Workshop class. It was a totally great play and I got very into it. The next day in class it was so fun to have that in common with the ones who are in that class! The end of February when we went to Meridian for the Community Choir Convention I felt like I was finally a part of the group. That was when choir really got fun for me. At that point I realized that every person on that bus was special to me. The time since then has been a lot of fun! 

Last Thursday at the awards ceremony I got to sit with the Reflections Singers. They are a smaller group from Choir that does more music and does a lot of special services and stuff. It was so much fun! It was cool to see/hear how much NOISE we made whenever one of us won an award. I'm pretty sure that we were by far the noisiest bunch in the auditorium! That afternoon while I was doing homework I randomly popped onto facebook to see that one of our band directors had posted saying that the choir director and Reflections Singers had been in a bad wreck on their way to a performance. My heart went through the bottoms of my feet!! I had no idea if everyone was ok or if anyone was dead or seriously hurt or anything! I immediately tried getting ahold of people and finally got a call about an hour later saying everyone was ok. Banged up and some injuries, but ok. The complete horror of that hour is going to stay with me for awhile!! 

Tonight, as we gave our last performance, it was so incredibly good just to be together. All together. We were missing one of our members who got pretty roughed up in the accident, but she is alive and ok. Thank You God! I think sometimes that you don't know how much you love people until you are faced with the reality that they could be gone. Saying goodbyes tonight was hard. I wanted to cry. I love each of these crazy kids so much! I call them kids because (although they don't know this) they are a lot younger than I am. Yes ya'l, I'm 24. A lot older than you :) 

Choir taught me a lot. Let me give you a few things that got cemented in my brain a lot more deeply. #1. People don't notice each other, they only notice themselves. Nobody thought about my presence nearly as much as I thought they did. #2. People like people who are themselves. I learned this by trial and non-error. Once I relaxed and was myself, people liked me. Voila!! Amazing new friends! #3. New things always make you grow. Sometimes we don't like to grow, I get that. But if you never try something new, never stretch your world, never go out on a limb, you will not grow. Amen. #4. People are people are people. We all have feelings and fears and hurts. We all have insecurities. We all want others to like us. Thats just how we are! #5. People like people who like themselves. Its not easy to like ourselves. To see our value. To be comfortable enough in our own skin that we can look outside ourselves and love others. But its pretty vital to being like Jesus. And #6. People like people who like them. We like those who genuinely like us and reach out to us. Its just human nature! 

I am so glad I joined choir. I would not trade the experience for anything in the world! I already miss my dear friends so very much! They are truly a part of my heart! So ya'l, (EMCC choir) when you think of me, drop me a message :) You know I would LOVE to hear from you! Any of you. Any time! I love you all so very much! I pray your summer is totally amazing and that you go on to have wonderful lives! Follow Jesus, and remember not to talk during practice or use your cell phones in church! :) :) 

Goodbyes...

Tonight I did something I'v done a million times, but every time is special. Every time my heart tugs, but tonight it tugged harder than normal. Tonight it brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my soul. Tonight I hugged my mama. 

We had a family night tonight instead of church. An evening to get together as families and hang out and play games and do whatever each family loves to do. So our family was together at my sister's. We ate popcorn, hashed out life's problems, and played a great game of 'Last Word'. Its a new one for us and we loved it! Laughed till we cried! When dad's were ready to go I walked out to the car to get the bags of jars I had brought for mom and give them to her. Jars. All my jars. All the jars that have held tea and broth and kefir and jelly and tomatoes and juice for me. Two years worth of work those jars have done for me. But tonight I returned them all to my mama, who gave them to me two years ago when I moved out of her house and into my own. Now its time to move them back, because its time to move everything out of this house. I tucked the jars into the van and turned to hug my mama. Her arms are so strong and so soft. Her beautiful silver hair brushed my cheek and she smelled, as she always does, of her special face cream. I buried my face in her shoulder and let tears slide out from under my eye lids. Three weeks. Just three more weeks. Thats all the time I have. How does one go about leaving a whole world? My mind skips back in time to the day I left to move to Virginia. That was only a few months before my mama got sick and I ended up coming home to take care of her. She is so much better now, but what if she needs me and I'm not here? I held her tight and wished that Wisconsin were not a zillion miles away. 

Tonight, my whole heart hurt. I hugged my niece and nephews, my sister, my dad, my mom... I played volley ball with my youth group, whom I love so much. I drove down roads that I'v been driving since before I was even old enough to drive legally. I passed the church where God has moved and convicted my heart dozens of times, where I was baptized, where my brother is buried, where my sisters were married. I pulled my car up in front of the school where for twelve long years I slaved away earning a top notch education and many mental bruises. I came home to a house that I have learned to love with all my heart and soul and an adorable dog who has wormed her way into my heart in spite of my best efforts to not let her. I rode in my car with my dear dear sister/friend whom I have learned to love so very much... All things I have to say goodbye to very soon. Maybe I will be back, and maybe not. Regardless, the goodbyes are so very very hard. I wonder if I am completely insane, totally daffy, and utterly off my rocker. Wisconsin is cold, and a zillion miles away. 

In all the fear, hurt, heartache, there is One to whom I cling. One to whom my heart belongs. One who plans my days, my moments. One who has my best, and His glory in mind. One whom I can trust absolutely, completely, without reserve. One who leads me, day by day, through the hurting of tearing out roots. One who will lead me, day by day, through the process of putting down new roots, building a new life, fitting in a new world. I wonder what people who don't have Him do? How do they even survive? Even breath? I have no idea! I am grateful I don't have to find out. 

From start to Month One, Strider and I...

Seven months ago, I met this guy. I did not, did NOT want to meet him! Well ok, secretly I sorta did, but I fought it tooth and nail. I informed my cousin Vin more than once "I am NOT coming to Wisconsin to see you! I do not want to meet him!" The 'him' being Vin's best friend whom he had sort of been hinting around at me about for years. I really didn't want to meet him. You see, I'd gotten pretty great at avoiding the male gender in any threatening way. My number 1 strategy for keeping my life uncomplicated was simple. Don't meet new guys. Especially not older available rather good looking already passed my brother/cousin's specs guys. So the logical conclusion was simple. Don't go to Wisconsin. But i wanted to go. I wanted to meet this great place that Vin called home. I wanted a weekend away, time with him and his sisters. I wanted to go fishing with him. And I sorta kinda almost wanted to meet his amazing guy who I knew I needed to face meeting sooner or later. So, at long last, after much protest, I went. 

It was not 'like' at first sight. Not quite. But I was completely entirely and unreservedly at ease around him. Totally new experience for me. To this day I think that possibly part of why he likes me is because I can out shoot him at laser tag. (I'm fairly certain that that comment could get me another game. The man does not like to be beaten. Apparently neither do I!) The thing that stands out the most to me about the night that Vin, Strider, and I spent together just the three of us hanging out and being completely crazy is that I learned that he is not easily ruffled. This, dear friends, is a fact that impressed me GREATLY! I think I'l pass on explaining what happened to prove this fact to me, but it was an issue that most guys would not have handled so calmly. 

On Monday morning, before I left for home, Vin, his sister, Strider, and I, went out for coffee. Vin and I were late and when we walked in Strider and Vin's sister were already at the table drinking coffee. He looked at me and asked "How do you like the lights in here?" and I knew I was in trouble. The people close to me know that I LOVE lights. I notice lights wherever I go. Chandeliers are my favorite! I could look at them for hours. I'm also a complete sucker for a guy who notices. 

So, for three months I waffled back and forth between liking him and despising that he had gotten under my shell. Then, on December 28, Vin and Strider flew in to spend the weekend with me before we picked my BFF up on the 31st and hit the road for Texas. The four of us spent a glorious wonderful relaxed and uncomplicated week together! And maybe I got a little (or a lot but I'm not admitting that) bit more smitten. But regardless what I was feeling, I knew where he stood. He did an absolutely wonderful job of keeping things uncomplicated and strictly friendly (bless his dear wise soul!) I came home and cried for two weeks solid. Not entirely, mind you, over him. But God used that trip, and more him than anything, to show me how cold and controlled I'd become. So for the next three months I cried and prayed and grew in God and let Him heal places in me that before meeting Strider, before having my shell cracked, I wouldn't let God close to. Ya, I prayed about him. Ya, I cried about him. Ya, I tried a million ways to make him fit a box I was comfortable with. Nothing worked. He just WAS and he was my friend and he was just IN my life. Period. Eventually, I stopped fighting this fact. Eventually, I gave up. Eventually, God got ahold of all my twisted up dreams and I let Him have them. Then, something happened that I didn't dare dream for even.

A month ago today, this girl who never jumps into ANYTHING, agreed to leap headlong into this crazy relationship with this amazing man. Well, ok, let me be perfectly honest here. I knew when I agreed to this ride that I was not, absolutely NOT going to leap headlong. Maybe get my feet wet. Possibly even wade knee deep. But leaping was out of the question. See, I need plans. I have a plan for everything. I need to know where things fit and have a time schedule for everything. Not so this Strider who walked into my world and shook it so thoroughly. The more spontaneous something is, the happier he is. Oh boy! :) Thankfully He is also incredibly sweet and remembers my need for plans! Hopefully I am learning to be a bit more flexible too! 

 Strider has shaken my neat, tidy existence all to bits, without even meaning to. He surprises me all the time! I know you will all laugh, but I was entirely shocked and delighted when he brought me flowers for our first date. We met in South Carolina, and the idea of him stopping at a florists to buy flowers for ME, and then traveling with them, was... Well I don't even know what. Amazing for one thing.

 You see, by the time we started dating I already knew that there wasn't another guy out there that I would rather hang out with, let alone be close to. I was not entirely sure that I was willing to be close to this one, but NOT taking the risk seemed much much worse than taking it. I'd come too far, trusted too much, let him see too much of who I was to back out at that point. So, surprise that it was to me that he actually liked me, I was cool with it. Most days :) 

The thing that no one really understands about dating before they start is that its hard. Good, but hard. I am so very very grateful for the solid basis of trust and friendship that I have with this man! Without that I would have baled rapidly. Or, in the words of my sister who knows me so well "You would have never agreed to it in the first place!" She is probably right! 

Here is the thing though. We are friends. He makes me laugh like no one I have ever known! He is calm and rock solid steady. I wouldn't even dream of pushing this guy who seems so easy going. I love that security. He's goofy and gentle and takes my family, crazy and wonderful and loud and goofy as they are, totally in stride. He even likes me when I'm sick. I have yet to figure out what in the world he sees in me! I think I mostly complicate and dramatize his life, but he assures me that he's fine with that. Somedays, I still hold my breath about it all. On those days I can count on him to remind me to simply breathe. He's great with that simply breathing stuff! Me? Not so much. I hope I'm learning! But its still pretty new and I'm still fairly certain that he is doing most of the giving and that I don't have a lot to offer right now. When the chips are down, and I'm totally freaking out about algebra or moving or some other thing thats happening in my constantly uproarious life, I can absolutely bank on him having good advice, and not giving me any kind of fluff to make me feel better in the moment. I can also count on him making me giggle. Endlessly. Even when I'm totally stressing out. All in all, this month of walking deeper into God's plan for us has been pretty crazy. Ups and downs, sometimes a day apart, sometimes thirty minutes apart. But its leveling out. I'm much more excited about this thing now than I was a month ago. I knew he was a good man then, but I'm learning all the time just how amazing he really is! For a girl who didn't think she wanted a boyfriend, well, lets just say she does now!! :)

"Your turn is coming."

Know that phrase? If your single you do! Oh how I HATED that phrase! Still do. I have vowed within my soul to never ever ever say that to any struggling single girl. I personally find it to be one of the most condescending and demeaning things anyone can say to anyone else. Know why? Cuz hunny your turn is here!!! You have every chance TODAY to live a full, happy, creative life! You are so completely amazing!! You do not need a man to make you whole or make you who you are meant to be! I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here aren't I? I tend to do that when I feel really passionately about something. 

Maybe your one of those girls who really really just wants to get married and have babies. That is an amazing calling! That role of wife and mother is one of the greatest things God can call anyone to and hunny if that is the dream He has put in your heart then by all means pray for it! Ask Him for that gift! Lift your heart to Him and seek His fulfilling of that dream. AND DO NOT SIT ON YOUR HANDS AND WAIT FOR HIM TO ANSWER YOU!! I think I can safely say from my own experiences, that living a full and productive single life does not always fill all the empty places in a girls heart. But I can say from watching my sisters and walking beside them in their journeys that being married (even to amazing men, and my brother in laws are truly truly amazing men!) does not fill all the empty places either. So live! Get a job you love, go to another country, try new kinds of food! You. Are. Valuable. You have worth and value and love and life to offer the world around you! If you don't offer yourself to the world around you, then how can you offer yourself to the man God has for you? If we do not like ourselves enough to want to know ourselves, how can we possibly expect any man to want to know us? What makes you tick? What makes you come alive? What makes you dream big dreams and work hard and do whatever it takes to succeed at it? Find those things and go do them! 

Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I speak from the standpoint of a very independent girl. God did some major overhauling in my heart to make me willing to say yes to Strider. Fortunately for Strider most of that overhauling happened before he had any clue it was happening. Or maybe God was overhauling us both at the same time. Regardless, I'v kicked and fought and screamed and cried my way into submission to God over the idea of dating. Dating Strider, mind you, is totally incredible! The man could not be more amazing or better to me!! But thats a topic for another blog :) My point is this. I know that I don't empathize with the deep heart ache that many girls feel over singlehood. But hunny I know how amazing it is to LIVE with Jesus Christ as my all! To get out of my comfort zone because HE asks me to! To care about people and to be filled in new ways by His Spirit working through them! No I am not bragging in the least! I had no part whatsoever in how God made me! But I'm inviting you to try this crazy life!! Your time is not coming, your time is here! When you say 'yes' to the crazy adventure of a passionate life with Jesus Christ, THAT is when your time comes! If you bank on Mr. Right filling you, making your dreams come true, being that Knight in Shining Armor that sweeps you off your feet and makes you life a heaven on earth, please please rethink! Even Strider, in all his incredibleness, cannot be my Savior! He cant save me from my fear or my loneliness or my stubbornness or my pride! He can be my friend, a rock in my world, a shelter from some of the emotional storms in my life, but he can never be my all! Please, let God take you crazy places! Ask Him to show you the dreams He wants you filling! Then, if He chooses to place you in the life of a great godly guy, not only will you have more to offer him, but together the two of you can be a much much more dynamic team for God! And the next time some sweet and well intentioned soul says to you "Your turn is coming" don't go home and cry in your hot chocolate over the uncertainty of that! Find someone who needs you and throw your energy into being Jesus' hands for them! 

Love Does

Love, is a verb. We think its a feeling, and maybe it can be, in its lighter forms. But love, real love, is an action verb. Love is what sends flowers to a hurting friend, its what does laundry for an overwhelmed mom, its what cooks a meal for an overworked business partner, its what sees the needs around it and fills them. Love works out in a million tiny ways. From picking a nail up from a parking lot so that no drives or steps on it, to spending money you can't spare to meet a need someone else cant fill for themselves. Love, real love, sees past bad attitudes and sloppy clothes and smelly feet to the person that is inside that shell of a body.  Love takes the time to truly listen to the hearts of others, to draw out of them what is going on inside. Love DOES. It does what Jesus would do. 

There are some things that love does not do too. Love never judges. Love never condemns. There are times when love discerns a problem or a sin issue and the guilty party feels judged, but love never judges. Love never ignores pain. Sometimes we can't help physically. Sometimes we cant give to a certain situation. Sometimes we don't have the resources to help at the moment in time when help is needed. but we can pray! Love never turns a blind eye to the hurting of another human. Love never watches quietly while an elderly person struggles with a heavy door. Love does not ignore someone who has fallen. Not physically or spiritually. Love does not hear the words "I need to talk" and walk away. Love takes the time.

Love is the face and hands and feet of Jesus Christ. If we as Christians are not Love, then how will the world see Him? Certainly not through our preaching. Definitely not through our determination that they are bound for hell. Maybe not even through our pious concern for their souls. Hurting people need Jesus. Hurting people need Love. Hurting people need Christians who just take the time to notice, and do something about it. They need friends who look them in the eye and love them. The next time you see the chance to be His hands for someone, remember this, Love Does.